What does friends with benefits mean if you are exclusive?

[Mylifehasimploded]

What is a FWB?
I met someone through Facebook dating, met for a date and we got on really well. Date 2 ended up with us having sex. Arranging date 3, and he wants to come to mine. A few texts back and forth and he said he would like “FWB to start with”, but he doesn’t want to see anyone else, and nor is he looking. So, is FWB just no strings sex? But then he wants to be monogamous and not look for anyone else, so there are strings attached.
i don’t want to ever live with anyone again, a LAT (living apart together) is my preference if i had to choose, and i think i have an anxious attachment style so i need to understand what FWB really is. Help please!

TBH I've had a few and they're all different. Depends on the people involved. I've had the romantic type and the really friendly type as well as the straight forward just sex. I'm still friendly with some even though we've moved on.

Basically it means he gets to have sex with you no strings attached. Clearly for most women this will lead to them being hurt, since our hormones condition us to attach to men after sex, so you may be best gathering your self respect and waiting for someone who cares about you, rather than just sex, to come along.

Literally this!
Don't turn it into something special, and if you want warm and fuzzy, this will mess with your head.

"I also found when OLD, some men wanted to get me to go exclusive so they had that benefit that I wasnt looking for anyone else but they actually wouldnt bother with exclusivity on their end!"

Yeah, and also "exclusive" is often a trick to get the woman to agree to condomless shagging.

Isn’t this just a boyfriend?

@Mylifehasimploded
I think you are massively overthinking and overreacting. You two just met, and just had sex. Way too early to try to define it all for either of you. All he said - he wants to start without expectations. Which is what I'd do just as well. I'd not want any man telling me after our 1st date/sex - that they want me to be exclusive. I'd say that does not mean that I am actively dating and looking for other men - just means that it's too early to define anything and accept monogamy.
So - in your place - I'd date him for a bit and see how you feel.

Keep seeing him but also keep looking for someone else

I would say at the start it's one date at a time for everyone, I don't think women are any different. But saying at the start that you just want fwb, but then imply that may change is an odd way to go about it.

The friend bit is saying you hang out as friends and have sex whenever you both want to without affecting the friendship, which may or may not be feasible. Are you hanging out as friends is the test?

No because there is no normal relationship things, discussing if you want children, finances, living arrangements, where you stand on politics, how to share housework. It's uncomplicated hanging around with each other, enjoying company and a laugh like you would with a friend of the same sex but you wouldn't shag your same sex friend. Well I wouldn't.

@Additup I forgot, no saying love you or missing you or looking into each others eyes unless you're on top of course 😀.

No, we’re not.
to be fair we have had 2 dates, and the 2nd I stupidly slept with him. I regret that now so much, but I wanted to at the time and it was just nice to have someone touch me and want me. That hasn’t happened for a long time, and I was so excited after the first date, and he seemed eager to see me.
it was when we were arranging date 3, and I could go out but he couldn’t come here because I live with my adult children and one would be here. It was clear that a date out wasn’t happening because we wouldn’t be able to have sex. If you can’t take a few hours out to get to know someone, then that’s as low energy as you can get, and so I asked the question. His answer was FWB at first. I think men know immediately whether they want to get to know someone, and if he liked me he would meet for a drink/coffee.

😂

It's uncomplicated hanging around with each other, enjoying company and a laugh like you would with a friend of the same sex but you wouldn't shag your same sex friend

That is exactly how all my relationships have started though @TroysMammy . What makes the whole FWB thing more confusing is people like @allthebadthings who has said her fwb says 'I love you'.

I'm sorry, I just dont get it !! 😂

My friend is of this opinion too, but I had what ended up as a situationship (why do we have all these different names these days?). And he messed with my head massively. I ended it after a year, but he wouldn’t let me go, as in would message and keep me in his life (we never met up again), and it took another 2 years to get rid of him.

the thing is I’m not looking for someone to move in/blend lives. I’ve young adult girls who live with me and the 2 lives wouldn’t meet. I wouldn’t risk losing my house over a man, because I was left with nothing when my marriage broke down. I will never live with anyone again. I like my independence and having my own space. I was wanting dates out to get to know each other, and have a bit of fun outside the bedroom.
he lives with his mum while he buys a house, so my house would be the place we meet. I don’t always have the place to myself, I’m not sure I can say to my kids if you’re going out can you call before you come home because I’m having a bonk.

at the same time, I’m not sure our wants and needs are that much different, other than I want to get to know him outside of the bedroom..

This is similar to what I have. He has been my FWB for 10 years. The difference between this and a boyfriend/partner is that I don’t want to be his partner but do want to be his friend.

We have different outlooks in life, I want to go travelling and he’s happy never to leave his county again. So if we were to be partners I’d be really unhappy. Also he annoys me when I’m with him more than 24 hours BUT we are great in bed together.

He’s still my friend and we go out for meals etc when I do have a partner but we don’t do the benefits side. I enjoy is company in short measures and he is a genuine friend.

As I write this down it sounds complicated, but it really isn’t!! It’s a genuine FWB.

No, completely sober.

Remember some people are just good at that. They’re charming, articulate, good company. They can make conversation flow with anyone. That’s all you know about them, and it doesn’t really mean anything.

@kakay we went for a coffee and one thing led to another and my house was empty so we came back to mine. It was a silly thing to do in hindsight I think.

If you have an anxious attachment style, FWB is not for you.

This guy has a couple red flags even besides the above.
He's living with his mother. That means he spends time at yours and you have your daughters living there. He might expect a woman to do all the domestic work. He might not be able to afford his own place and could want to move in.

Wanting to be exclusive immediately. He doesn't want you out possibly finding someone with more to offer, and or he wants to stop using condoms and no way should you do that. It also can be a control issue.

But if there’s no future there is the difference.

im having a FWB atm. We get on fabulously. But, he is ten years younger and wanting more kids. I have no interest in that. So we are enjoying each others company now, with no future. It will end I guess if he meets someone he wants kids with. And I’ll go back to lovely single life with zero regrets!

@outerspacepotato he is definitely looking for a house, one thing that concerns me is he was in the forces, and they have a bad reputation for fidelity and also being able to treat women well. Obviously not all, but quite a lot. Another red flag. I’d have thought if he wanted to move in he would be love bombing me?

things have changed so much in the dating world. I’m not sure I’m cut out for it. I was with ex husband for 20 years. Been single 6 years, had a couple of men in my life but no one I wanted long term (or they didn’t want me). I don’t want to involve my kids, even though they’re adults. I don’t want people in and out of their lives (their dad doesn’t see them because he chose his affair partner over them, and wouldn’t make time for them and so they haven’t seen him for 6 years).
it just sometimes gets lonely, and having this man touch me was so so good 🤷‍♀️

I agree. Just say what you want. The exclusivity is promising. Say you want to date and see how it goes.

Telling you but he wants to be exclusive equals sewing the seeds for requests for unprotected sex/pressurising you into unprotected sex because there is no reason not to if you are both exclusive.

Chances are he wants you to be exclusive while he is dating other people (you are his property )and in his head he can shag others because you are only a fuck buddy, not in a relationship so he is not cheating.

If there was truly a connection between you he would want to fully explore the potential to be in a relationship with you. Raise the bar chuck this one back.