Would you choose an equal partner or a more generous provider?

[Sarahandjenny]

I’m curious what other women would choose, especially those who have been in a similar position.
Option 1 is the stereotypical “nice guy”. He’s sensible, thoughtful, reliable and would genuinely want to be a very involved dad. I honestly think if we had children he’d probably do as much as me, if not more, and would see parenting as something we both do.
The downsides are that he can be quite moany and particular. He watches money closely, notices mess, and if I left a dish in the sink overnight he’d probably comment on it. He’s very “on it” with the house and finances. Sometimes that can feel a bit irritating or restrictive, but underneath it he means well and is dependable.
Option 2 is much more of the “bad boy” type. Historically he could be a real arsehole, although he has made progress and is considerably better than he used to be. He’s also generous financially and currently pays for basically everything at home.
However, the trade-off is that most of the domestic stuff falls to me — cooking, cleaning, hoovering, keeping things running etc. I work too and want to continue working, including if I have children. If I’m realistic, I suspect that if we had kids I would end up carrying most of the childcare and mental load as well.
So essentially one gives me more financial freedom but probably leaves me doing most of the home/kids side, whereas the other is more financially cautious and particular but would probably be a much more equal partner and hands-on dad.
If you were choosing someone to actually build a life and have children with, which setup would you choose?
And if you’ve chosen either type in real life, how did it work out once children, work, money and the boring day-to-day reality came into it?

Neither option sounds great to me.

Why’s that

One is overly critical — he’s going to get on your back about a plate left out? What’s he going to be like when you’re juggling kids and a messy house is part of the deal sometimes? How tightly is he going to watch money, are there risks of him being financially controlling?

The other one is likely to leave you doing everything. That gets unfun really quickly.

Yes agree neither sound great or equal

Both demonstrating that they don’t think of you as a grown adult

I'd choose the one I'm madly in love with and can't live without, otherwise neither.

But more generally, I'd choose the equal partner. I'd expect he'd roughly match my own level of generosity and therefore I would also consider him acceptably generous. If you do end up having children, then this: if we had children he’d probably do as much as me, if not more, and would see parenting as something we both do should be the absolute baseline expectation and requirement, not a differentiator. If he does see you as an equal partner the two of you should be able to talk about what you need and what's bothering you and come up with some kind of compromise so he's not feeling oppressed by your mess and you're not feeling like he's policing every dish or utensil you use (just for example).

I wouldn't be in a relationship with Option 2 because he doesn't meet minimum standards (taking care of his share of responsibilities to the household and parenting his children) but I might work for him as a housekeeper if I needed a job.

Well it seems very simple, nunber one will be useful to pay bills and create a stable home. Over time he'll become more useful the more money he has.

Nunber two you see on the side. Imagine how exciting it is, secret rendezvous in various places, heart racing visits to prison, what could be better ?

Should number one ever find out you state that he hits you (it doesn't need to be true) and you can take half of everything he has and that leaves you to welcome in to the house nunber two who, by now, has a number of female admirers.

But don't worry, once he's sees you he'll change.....

Neither. You pick someone you love. Both sound rubbish. Moaning, verging on controlling, or pathetic, disrespectful, uninterested man child. It’s like asking if you want dog shit or cat shit. I am assuming these are hypothetical men, but if not, have a bit of self respect and pick someone at least half decent.

How do you know both of them well enough in a relationship to be picking between them both?

What is this thread really about? Crap journalism or character development for a story?

Neither really - you can do better . But out of the 2 definitely the first. I’d never go for the “bad boy” nor alpha male type - they’re no good for secure long term relationships, fine for a bit of fun and excitement in your teens but you need to grow out of it for lifetime, having children etc for which you needs more mature and reliable one?

They both sound shit. One is controlling and moany and the other is a misogynistic lazy arse. Why would you want either? Dump them both and go and find what you really want. These are just snacks, not dinner.

Wait for third time lucky or not bother. Either option will cause you to become resentful

Neither!

Well if it had to be one of them, the first one for sure. The negativity and moaning would get to me though (which is why neither is also a valid answer).

Neither. You don’t have to have any man just to have a man.

Well to have ‘options’…
The first guy sounds better but I couldn’t bear being policed in my own home about the odd plate left in the sink! My late DH would never do that himself but had to lower his standards with me (probably annoyed him but relationships mean you have to compromise on some things). He was also very generous - not bad to be careful financially as long as it isn’t actually being tight
Option 2 sounds like a non starter.

Option 3 - neither !
The first sounds critical and controlling and the second lazy and flighty.
There are men who will share the load and not be moany bastards about it. Wait for one of those.

Stay single.

I would choose someone I love

Which of them are you married to?

This is the kind of conundrum ChatGPT was made for. (Unfortunately).

1 is whiney and miserable. 2 is lazy.

Neither is a good option.

Both these men are garbage and will further make you miserable.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by poor life experience and your current marriage, are being further eroded by this man now. Your energies would be far better employed now in returning to the U.K. and rebuilding your life.

So you’re living simultaneously with two amusingly contrasting men?

Why would anyone be so scared of being single that they'd choose either of these princes?

Leave them both, stand on your own two feet and create a life for yourself.

Riding on the back of any man because you're scared to be alone is always going to fail.