Should I leave if he keeps dodging conversations about marriage?

[AmusedAquaReader]

My bf and I are in our late 20s and have been in a relationship for 2 years and living together for 1 year. Because marriage is important to me, we talked about early on. I said that I generally wouldn't want to date someone longer than 2.5 years without getting married or engaged at least. He then said that while he never considered marriage or saw much value in it, because it was important for me he would be open to it. He would say he doesn't understand why the government should know about our relationship. I interpreted those initial conversations as us being somewhat on the same page or at least being willing to compromise.

Fast forward to now, I have started to feel uneasy about the future of our relationship. We first started discussing us getting married 10-11 months ago and he would always dodge the conversation, saying "I already told you we'd get married". Last time when I specifically asked about when he'd want to get married he said that we already discussed it and couldn't afford it. It might be true but I said multiple times, I don't want an extravagant wedding and it could literally be a courthouse ceremony for immediate family. What hurt me the most is that the conversation basically died after it, there wasn't any follow up - no "we can't afford it now but let's have a plan for X time etc". There was nothing. Me constantly being the only one to start these conversations made me feel unchosen and undesired. I almost feel embarrassed cuz I never thought I would end up begging a man to choose me and marry me. Ultimately I want to be married to someone who actively chooses me.

I stated to consider leaving this relationship. 2.5 years is not an arbitrary number but I believe you'd know early on you want a future with someone. And what's hurting me he is not actively planning our life together or taking any action towards it. Another layer of complexity is me being an international in the US. I wanna make it straight - I have a good career and life outside of this relationship so I am not looking to be saved and neither do I think he owes me marriage for the immigration benefits. But my partner knows how much stress I've been under with the volatile environment and he knows he could secure our future if he wanted too. But I never pressured him into it.

What stops me is the fact that the relationship is not bad. We support each other, live together, and have good compatibility overall. Being in my late 20s, I am also scared of going back into the dating market and potentially risking not finding anyone at all. But I started to wonder if, by staying, I give up on one of my core values because I want to be married and have a family of my own one day. Maybe he is comfortable with where things are at the moment - like c'mon we live together, he's literally getting the wife benefits.

So the question I wanted to ask folks who might've been in the same situation, how did you know it's time to walk away or what made you stay? How did you know your partner was worth waiting for?

TLDR: My bf dodges every conversation about future and doesn't take any steps to plan a life together, I am considering walking away

He doesn’t want to marry you, so sorry. I had a friend waste four years in a similar situation before she saw the light.

He married his next girlfriend within a year of dating.

I know a couple in this situation. Two kids and a mortgage, been together 11 years but he doesn't want to get married and she does. Both want an expensive extravaganza if they do do it and they are very hard up so it'll never happen. Cut your losses.

Dump him. You will meet someone who is head over heels for you and super keen to marry you but not if you stick with this loser who’s wasting your time.

DH thought marriage was pointless and had no interest in it. His family and friends were shocked when we were engaged after 18 months and married a year later. I’d told him marriage was important to me and I wouldn’t start a family without it. It’s cliche but true, when a man is sure you’re the one he will marry you without question. It’s a tale as old as time, man has long term partner and isn’t sure on marriage, they split and lo and behold he marries the next one in short order.

After living with you for a year he already knows the answer. In your late 20s you still have time but you need to start getting on with meeting the right one, so don’t waste anymore of your precious time.

This.

You sound way too intense, almost taking the fun out of things far too early on in your relationship.

I suspect he sees that as a massive red flag.

So he should be discussing that and leaving. Keeping her hanging on if he really sees that as a red flag is wrong.

If you had the discussion at the start of relationship then why would he not of told you then he doesn’t want to get married don’t understand why he avoids the conversation he’s got to face it one day or has he just got to comfort with where your relationship is now you need to know where you stand don’t waste your life on maybe’s if he don’t want it walk away

I dont think he wants to get married ,he knows you do so hes future faking by stringing you along....not now due to costs .
You need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you or not.
If it is, tell him directly .
Women are time constrained in this ,men not so much.
Dont waste your life on someone who doesnt want the same thing s as you.

If he keeps avoiding the conversation, that is an answer in itself. You want marriage and a family, so ask him directly if he wants the same future. If he still cannot give you a clear answer, I would leave rather than waste more years waiting.

He would say he doesn't understand why the government should know about our relationship.

Marriage gets the people involved significant benefits from the government. That's why traditionally excluded groups have fought so hard for the right to legally marry. He sounds a bit of a political extremist there or it's a weird excuse or he's really stupid. Do you think he's that stupid? Any of that would be an ick for me and I'm in the US. Given your status here, if he loved and valued you, he would want you to be as safe and secure as possible and marriage would be part of that. You can do a courthouse or city hall wedding for low cost.

But, you're wasting your time. This guy is not going to marry you. He knows how you feel, he knows you want to get married, but he doesn't care about that. He's put you off over and over. He thinks you'll stick around and continue to be a girlfriend, but not a wife. You've stuck around despite him avoiding every common the subject.

I'd be leaving. You want to get married, he doesn't but he won't be open with you because he likes the convenience of your relationship.

@AmusedAquaReader i agree if he wanted to marry you he would . It won’t be a case of waiting untill he is ready . You could separate and he will could marry the next one .
Are you wanting kids ? After marriage ?
He has future faked you . Stand your ground and leave .

I know couples who had lavish weddings in famous venues and split up 18 months later, and couples who never married and are still happily together 30 years and four kids later. Obviously it is not essential for a strong secure relationship. But you believe in marriage and told him this from the outset. You also gave a timeline from the outset. You've reached that timeline.

In your position, I would be concerned. You don't want to have to corner someone into marriage. It should be an equal and spontaneous, joyful decision. He isn't keen.

I tend to distrust most men who 'don't believe in marriage' and spout that shit about 'the government'. It's avoidance tactics. Marriage statistically improves a child's chances of being raised by two parents. It statistically improves a couples' chances of staying together. It safeguards the woman more if her career is put on hold or never progresses due to childcare. It is also a public statement of commitment which requires a bit of financial outlay and effort, even in a smallish wedding. Not that these things are any guarantee. But it is a hugely important life decision, and you seem to have opposite attitudes about it. That is a problem.

I also think he just doesn’t want to get married to you. I do believe the “if he wants to he would” theory, in my experience it’s true. DH proposed after a year, thats quite quick but it seemed reasonable at the time, 2.5 years is enough time to know imo. The one person I know who kept their girlfriend hanging on was basically waiting to see if anything better turned up.

The don’t want the government to know about your relationship argument is one of the dumbest reasons to not get married I have ever heard.

Thank you all so much for a tremendous amount of support. Lots of you kind of verbalized the thoughts and feelings I already had. But it’s very validating to hear all your kind words of encouragement. I think i definitely see the situation more clear now…