Should I leave if he keeps dodging conversations about marriage?

[AmusedAquaReader]

My bf and I are in our late 20s and have been in a relationship for 2 years and living together for 1 year. Because marriage is important to me, we talked about early on. I said that I generally wouldn't want to date someone longer than 2.5 years without getting married or engaged at least. He then said that while he never considered marriage or saw much value in it, because it was important for me he would be open to it. He would say he doesn't understand why the government should know about our relationship. I interpreted those initial conversations as us being somewhat on the same page or at least being willing to compromise.

Fast forward to now, I have started to feel uneasy about the future of our relationship. We first started discussing us getting married 10-11 months ago and he would always dodge the conversation, saying "I already told you we'd get married". Last time when I specifically asked about when he'd want to get married he said that we already discussed it and couldn't afford it. It might be true but I said multiple times, I don't want an extravagant wedding and it could literally be a courthouse ceremony for immediate family. What hurt me the most is that the conversation basically died after it, there wasn't any follow up - no "we can't afford it now but let's have a plan for X time etc". There was nothing. Me constantly being the only one to start these conversations made me feel unchosen and undesired. I almost feel embarrassed cuz I never thought I would end up begging a man to choose me and marry me. Ultimately I want to be married to someone who actively chooses me.

I stated to consider leaving this relationship. 2.5 years is not an arbitrary number but I believe you'd know early on you want a future with someone. And what's hurting me he is not actively planning our life together or taking any action towards it. Another layer of complexity is me being an international in the US. I wanna make it straight - I have a good career and life outside of this relationship so I am not looking to be saved and neither do I think he owes me marriage for the immigration benefits. But my partner knows how much stress I've been under with the volatile environment and he knows he could secure our future if he wanted too. But I never pressured him into it.

What stops me is the fact that the relationship is not bad. We support each other, live together, and have good compatibility overall. Being in my late 20s, I am also scared of going back into the dating market and potentially risking not finding anyone at all. But I started to wonder if, by staying, I give up on one of my core values because I want to be married and have a family of my own one day. Maybe he is comfortable with where things are at the moment - like c'mon we live together, he's literally getting the wife benefits.

So the question I wanted to ask folks who might've been in the same situation, how did you know it's time to walk away or what made you stay? How did you know your partner was worth waiting for?

TLDR: My bf dodges every conversation about future and doesn't take any steps to plan a life together, I am considering walking away

If he wanted to marry you, he would.

If he had some hatred of the whole marriage institution but still wanted to reassure you that he fully intended to spend the rest of his life with you, he would.

That he’s not doing either, I think, gives you the answer you need. Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You’ve invested years so you can’t give up now. Or you’ll still be having the same thoughts in ten years. If marriage is what you want, I don’t think you’ll get it with this one.

He may or may not want to marry, but he definitely doesn't want to marry you. I'd be looking elsewhere for that commitment.

You want someone to actively choose you to marry, however you are pushing and prodding him to get married. It doesn’t not sound like he is actively choosing you so leave.

I’m very much of the opinion that 2.5 years is the minimum people should be together before marriage. To be honest even that’s still pretty early.

BUT, he does not want to get marrried. He has actually told you clearly. He is contemptuous towards the idea (government comment). So I think you should cut your losses because even if he does agree to marriage down the line it will be begrudgingly.

Run girl.

If you're an international in the US then you need the security of marriage if you plan to have a family. Imagine having kids and then getting thrown out of the country. The DC would be US citizens and could be kept there by their father. I don't think this guy has any intention of getting married. I'd exit the relationship now, while you're still young.

Get away before he knocks you up by accident and then you’re trapped tied to him forever without the ring.

You want different things op, I wouldn’t waste any more time on this relationship, it’s not heading where you want it to.

He’s not interested in marriage

I had a similar conversation with my partner a few weeks into dating, we were engaged 2 years in & are marrying in a few months

This is despite him having never considered marriage in his previous 20 year relationship

Your BF is happy with the status quo & your wishes are not important to him

You are young & have plenty of time to meet someone else

I think talk to him, tell him you need to plan YOUR future, talk timelines & be prepared to leave

I’d give him eg 3 months

do you have friends/family you can stay with if you move out?

This is a hard and hurtful situation- but you may regret compromising your beliefs later.

The world is full of men - there are some out there who respect their partners

I will tell you my story. Boy meets girl. He love bombs her with all sort of promises and sweet talk about how much he loves her. Learns more about her and how important it is to her to be married to have children with a man, both because this is what she has always dreamt of and culturally speaking it would be unacceptable for her to be an unmarried mother because the baby would be considered of unknown father until the father signed a declaration to recognize the child.

He ramps up all love bombing and frequently talks about weddings and marriage. Then he mentions his burning desire to have children, and she is stupidly convinced to start trying for a baby with the agreement that they will get married (civil ceremony) before the baby is born. She gets pregnant, and guess what? He keeps promising marriage until it is very late in the pregnancy and she is out of options. Then every time she mentions it he says "we are fine the way we are, aren't we?"...

Long story short, they got married before their second baby was born 4 years later, and only because the girl booked an appointment to give notice to get married and asked him to attend. By that point, the girl had been betrayed in such a deep level and she unconsciously withdraw emotionally from the relationship. Things turned purely transactional and they entered a long term roommate phase.

Boy feels it was unfair to be "punished" and "tortured" because of this. And girl struggles to feel chosen and valued, and insists that he lied to her to get what he wanted. She feels baby trapped and manipulated because if she had this information prior to getting pregnant she wouldn't have chosen to have a family with this man.

They are now getting divorced and they wasted 13 years of their life being incompatible with each other.

Find someone who is compatible with you. Someone who demonstrates this with actions. He is not the one for you. No one should have to beg to get married. Even if he says yes and does it after years of pressure, you will never feel chosen. You will always feel hurt because you had to fight for it and it shouldn't be like that.... You are young and you will find what you are looking for.

I was engaged by six months, it’s a while ago though. DS is 25, his GF and him have just moved in together, dating for 15 months. DH and I feel the next year will be telling and it will falter or hopefully proceed to engagement.

Honestly if a man wants to marry you they just get on with it. There are some that won’t ever marry and that’s usually about financial risk.

Don't waste time though because as time goes on the dating pool, does get smaller.

I think the issue is that this is important to YOU and he doesn’t care because it isn’t to him. That is not a good sign for a life partner.
He may eventually decide marriage and children are for him but as a man in his 20s, that could be a decade from now. He could well find another late 20s woman at that point and marry her and your child bearing years would be behind you.
Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy, you have more than enough time to find a partner who will consider your needs as well as his own. Get out not only to find marriage but also because he is showing you your needs are not important to him.

He's allowed to want what he wants, and you're allowed to want what you want, and sadly they are not the same thing. If you want the security of marriage then you need to walk away from this one with love in your heart - he's not the one, and you're putting yourself first. It's no-one's fault.

Personally I think your 2.5 year deadline is slightly strange and artificial but if it's what matters to you, then stick to it.

PP are right, he doesn't want to marry you. Make plans to leave.

Another layer of complexity is me being an international in the US. I wanna make it straight - I have a good career and life outside of this relationship so I am not looking to be saved and neither do I think he owes me marriage for the immigration benefits. But my partner knows how much stress I've been under with the volatile environment and he knows he could secure our future if he wanted too

He doesn’t want to marry you.

Please ensure you double up on contraception. The last thing you need is a US citizen child whilst having no secure basis to remain in the US.

Oh dear, OP. This is a basic incompatibility, I’m afraid. You want and value marriage; he sees no value in it and in fact, the idea makes him quite cross. (Stuff about the government.)

I fear that this points to two very different personality make-ups. I have found people who are anti-marriage at a young age to be negative, depressing, unromantic, and anti-family. You sound as if you’re a more positive, optimistic person.

Sorry, OP. I think you should look for someone whose values and life goals are more in alignment with yours. He’s not the one. I know that’s hard.

The saying “if they wanted to, they would” is so right in every circumstance. The fact he’s not tells you everything you need to know. There’s nothing more to say.

I’d exit the relationship. I don’t see much benefit in giving him an ultimatum. If he wanted to, he’d talk about it completely differently. And having a baby is a hard no without marriage in a place like the us.

He would be crazy to be looking to get married after only 2.5 years. You don’t even know someone properly until you’ve been living with them for a lot longer. Way too risky.

Stop nagging him to marry you as if your life revolves around him, and just make it plain that you have boundaries, he is not your only option - expand your life without him. Perhaps he will start to value what he realises he might lose, but at any rate if/when you need to break up, it won’t be so traumatic.

He doesn't want to marry you.

You are convenient for the moment but he has no desire to marry you, and doesn't see you as the future mother of his children. If you let him, he'll carry on your relationship until someone he really wants walks into his life.

End it and find someone new.

The actual issue is he doesn’t want to communicate effectively with you. If he was honest and willing to discuss things in an adult way you would known where you stand. Apply that long term -joint finances, children, parenting, big purchases, illness, moving, careers. If everytime you want to discuss something he sticks his head in the sand you are going to be dragging your man child through life. I’d move on and find someone who is more aligned with you while you are young.

I think this is one of those where you need to tell him you love him but marriage and a family is important to you, as you said at the start. He has been evading any talk of it and therefore you are feeling it is time to move on. You need the security he clearly can't give you. You have been open about your time-frame and needs and he doesn't seem to be on the same page. You will have to be the strong one here as he will likely just carry on faffing for years, many men do, and waste all of your young years.

He does not want to marry or to the point marry you. I would end this relationship because of this fundamental incompatibility. There are other men out there, throw this one back.

I am a man and when I was in my twenties I don't think it really registered with me that women had a finite window to meet someone, have a relationship, live together, get married and have children.

You need to be very clear with him that if that if he isn't willing to commit to engagement within X months and marriage within Y months then you have to leave to have a chance of meeting someone else and having a family.

You wanted concrete plans to marry when you were just over a year into the relationship and a couple of months after moving in together. I would personally find that too early to make such a big decision. But if that's what your bf thinks too, that should have been the discussion, rather than bringing up the cost as an excuse, then not talking about it. My son was in this position, with his gf talking about marriage and him saying "maybe in two years" until the two of us had a chat about how not to be that bf. He hadn't realised how it was stringing her along. They had a proper talk and have since broken up on good terms.

The problem with an ultimatum or other forms of pressure is that if he goes along with it, you'll both feel resentful and that will seep into your relationship for years.

This relationship is something you've learned from and you'll be a better partner as a result. Give it a while to sink in before dating again, but when you do, remember that you have matured and learned, and are an even better catch than before.