Would it be wise to buy a home with our son and his wife

[Dorsetlife]

This is a bit confusing. So due to various events my partner and I are now living in rented accommodation , it is not very nice, landlord has it on the market and I want out. I hate it here and its just wasted money. Basically we are now to old to buy anything, so we got to talking and partner suggested that maybe it would a good idea to buy something with our son and his wife. I thought it was a fabulous idea, my son could have the house in his name ( a high earner), we all get on well and this would give us security. But suddenly partner has changed his mind, now wants to stay here and has this deluded idea that if the landlord does sell then he would buy him another house to rent ( vague family connection) . The only reason he can come up with with is that if things did not work out with DS then he would never be able rent somewhere else. I am very tempted to just go in with DS on my own, would be interested to hear MN's thoughts on this.. I think DP is being rather foolish.

Your partner is making some pretty big assumptions here.

Would your son and dil want you and your partner living with them? Would this put a rift in their marriage?

How are they supposed to support you guys and a family? Are there kids?

You may get on well now but that could change with living together.

If your son is a high earner why would he want to buy with your partner, who he's not related to? Your relationship could end at any time - where would that leave all of you if you'd bought together?

This has disaster written all over it.
What if you split up ?
What if your son’s marriage ends?
What if either of you die ?
What if god forbid anything happens to your son ?
Would the other one stay living with your son ?
What if your son wants to move?
What if one of you needs care ?

She says ‘our son’ I thought the son was theirs ? If not it’s an even worse idea.

No do not do this - the chances of the whole thing unraveling are quite high and the consequences of that would be hard to bear.

To answer a few questions this is our son and they are very much on board with it, I have spoken in detail with both our son and his wife.. As whilst we still are working it will allow us to buy a large property so not on top of each other . Our Grand kids do not live with them but will visit of course.

What does your son get out of this? Getting on with someone doesn’t mean you want to live with them. Most people would choose a nuclear family set up if finances didn’t come into it.

So you'd all live together? Does she want that?

I think it could work if you buy a place with separate space - an annexe for you, or a separate garden flat. Living on top of each other could cause tension.

No.

Tread very carefully. We know a couple who have done this and it’s gone completely tits up - massive falling out. The parents now can’t get out as they don’t have a penny to their name, the kids can’t give them any of the money back as it’s stuck in the house. People need their space and multi generational families living together, when they’ve been used to living separately, rarely works. My grandparents lived in an annex on our land and my parents almost divorced over it.

Don’t do it. Respect your son’s independence and his relationship with his wife.
His future should be free so he can go wherever works for his new family (even if that is just him and his wife) he should not be tethered and held back by a commitment made to you to help you out of your circumstances.

NO! This has disaster written all over it.

Getting along without cohabiting is actually not a guaranteed indicator this would continue when sharing a home. I've know several instances where best friends decided to rent a place together and wound up enemies.

So many sayings exist because they are true: There can only be one queen bee in the hive. Guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days.

Maintaining a house is like a business. Doing business with family is usually a bad idea. The prospect of having a bigger, more luxurious place is nice to envision, but the realities will soon come to a head when it's like visitors who never leave.

It's not like you have to stay where you are. It's not the only housing option. I'd explore other options just for you and your partner.

So you'd all be living together? I haven't ever heard of this working well.

Financially, it makes a lot of sense but I think you need to map out the next 5 to 10 years. And your partner thinking you can't rent anywhere again?? Thinks a random landlord (vague connection) will "buy him a house to rent". And in the meantime? Back to reality..

How long will you all live together?
What happens when your son wants to move out?
What happens when the son's partner has had enough or they split up?
Can you afford the mortgage if one or two people stop paying?

Think of every eventuality and have a plan for it.

Ensure you have an airtight agreement regarding "rent" - I'd speak to a solicitor. So, e.g. the first 5 years you all have to "pay each other rent" (i.e. the mortgage - the lender usually doesn't care who pays so don't think you can force your son and his partner, or your own partner, to pay, but if you all have a financial agreement in place, that can be enforced via the court) - I have never done this or heard about it before so just spitballing!

And definitely buy a house with 3 floors and at least two bathrooms. It can be done. Plenty of terraced houses have them and it's so useful for privacy.

My in laws and brother in law did this and it’s a disaster. They are all stuck. BIL hasn’t been able to move and prioritise his children because he would have been responsible for uprooting his parents. Now the parents would like to move near the coast but the grandchildren are in secondary school so moving now is a risky business because the grandchildren who are in secondary already would have a commute and the other ones would end up in another school.

Why do your grandkids not live with them if they’re their kids? Is that a situation likely to change? As it might cause space issues or a change in dynamic so worth considering

Some good advice here thanks. Re the GK's, He split with the mother when they were quite young, they are now 13 and 14 and will most def not be living with their dad.

With respect, you can’t expect to ride on your son’s coattails, just because you and your partner haven’t made it.

Unless they are in some sort of facility or your son can’t legally have them living with them then I don’t see how anyone could know that. Teenagers do storm off to live with their non resident parent.

I wouldn't do it. I would not willingly be a burden on my kids.

What if you son ends up with his kids through disability or death or something else? What if he or DIL get transferred or have to look for work elsewhere?

Multigenerational living is difficult, especially if you're used to living on your own with just a partner.

My mil moved next door to sil. Now mil is very elderly the burden on sil is causing real problems. She says it’s ruined her life.

It's actually my son and DIL pushing for this. The youngest GK has SN . If eldest storms off my son would always take him in. I think the only way this could work if there was a way to separate accommodation. or Annex

What if circumstances change, would the house have enough rooms for his kids to have a bedroom?
I personally wouldn’t do it, after living with in laws for 4 months in between houses I would never recommend living with parents or in laws especially if all financially tied together

It's not a good idea. What if DS splits from his current wife? She would probably be entitled to 50/50 of everything, including the house. A relative in Canada moved in with their DD and her DH. DD sadly died and the DH wanted to sell and move on after a while. The relative has had to move out and find somewhere to rent. Such turmoil in a very sad situation.