Husband disappeared overnight after leaving, and I cannot move past it

[Mercedes78]

Long story short it’s pretty simple really, married 5 years with two small children. He gave me the script in January then left in May. He left the house suddenly, the Monday he announced we were over and he would be going to live with his mum while he sorts himself out. He stayed there till Friday then his mum called me Saturday night to say she didn’t know his whereabouts and His phone was off. The next morning he came running, begging to come back to me and I let him, I believed his story he was out drinking with a friend. However it’s played on my mind since and things don’t add up. He refuses to show me bank statements from that night. This is the biggest problem I have, he won’t prove his whereabouts. I am almost certain it was an OW but what do I do now? I’ve tried to move past it, but we’re in September now and it still plays on my mind. Will he eventually tell me? Do I really want to know the truth? Any advice would be much appreciated

No advice really but it sounds like the OW gave him short shrift and told him to go back to his wife. The grass wasn't greener.

He should be being open with you.

I'm not sure if 9 months on from 'the script' and with niggling doubts I could continue on.

Couples counselling?

Why do you need to move past it? He was deceitful and is not being straight now. Maybe you would be better off without him.

He won't tell you I can guarantee it. You've let him back after he has left. My bet is he had an OW and she doesn't want him to move in with her so he's returned with his tail between his legs.
If it was innocent how come his mum didn't know where he was? It was because he didn't want her to know and didn't want to permanently burn his bridges with you.
If you can't put it out if your mind then you'll always wonder and never trust him again. If you can live with that then do so. I couldn't but then I would never take someone back after they've walked.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

It's a duck!

I don't think you need the "proof" His unwillingness to show you says it all, you've gotta just decide what to do about it and what would be different if you found out the truth.

If he's not going to be honest with you about this, you can't trust him. That's why you can't get past it. He gave you the script, which from what I read generally comes about when there's another woman. Your woman's intuition is screaming at you that he spent the night with another woman. He's gaslighting you and not giving you what you've told him you need to get over it, so you know there's more to it than he is admitting to. I think it might be time to call time on this relationship, sorry OP.

It makes me so sad to see post after post from women who believe it’s their moral duty to ‘move past’ their DH’s deceit / abandonment / abuse, and that if they can’t feel safe or secure or trusting in the relationship it must be a psychological problem of their own - and nothing whatsoever to do with the reality that their partner is a feeble lying piece of shit.

Do you really want to know the truth? If he told you he was with another woman that night, what would you do? You took him back when you must have had suspicions, do you really want the relationship to continue?

You could tell him that unless he shows you his bank statements, the relationship is over. But if you issue an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to follow through.

He came running back because she didn’t want him full time.

you’re not going to move past it. If you don’t trust him your marriage is over.

I wouldn't stand being his emergency second option if I were you op. Your dignity won't survive being used as a waiting room.

There will eventually be one woman stupid enough to let him move in. And you will have to go through all of this again, just a few years older.

Why did you take him back, when he'd already given you the script five months before?

It sounds to me as though this marriage is over.

Tell him you know what he’s hiding, but he needs to have the guts to tell you about it, in order to move on (if that’s what you want to try to do).

You don’t trust him so end it. I hope you had an STI check.

Reality is you will never know the full truth and it has sowed the seeds of doubt which will affect your relationship forevermore. Up to you whether he is worth it or not!

Sounds like he’d been having an affair and the OW wasn’t so keen on having him once he’d left you so he had to come back - I’d send him packing.

Im sorry that must be awful.
I dont really have advice and only you can decide wether you can life with this.
What i would say is the issue is one of trust, every fibre of your being seems to be telling you that you dont trust your DH and its hardly surprising.
I dont think you are going to get the truth from him .
My guess is this will keep rearing its ugly head in one way or another.
If it were me,i would sit down with DH and explain i cant live with the lack of trust ,he either tells the truth of that night and you may be able to get past it or its not going to work.

Trust your gut. However if you really feel like you need proof, I would say to him that unless he tells you the truth and shows you his statements and phone you cannot have him back. Personally though if it’s got to that point I’d say it’s over

You shouldn’t have had him back. Clearly the OW doesn’t want him full-time so he came back for an easy life. He won’t tell you the truth, and the fact he won’t is enough - for me at least. You can’t trust him - get rid op, you’ll be happier. Let’s face it, he isn’t sorry and if he isn’t still shagging about with this one, there will be another. Sorry op.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive when I don’t know what exactly I am supposed to be forgiving. If he won’t come clean then he knows the truth would end your marriage. I think the not knowing would eat away at me. Whilst he thinks all is rosey and you’ve forgiven him. He’s not sorry if he’s not admitting what’s he done. I too would think another woman and she’s said she’s not willing to upheave her life for him yet. I’d be forever waiting for said woman to change her mind and him go trotting off to her.

Based on the facts - that he left you and then came back - in a long marriage people fuck up, but you show remorse for what you did and you do whatever the other person needs to move past it. You also actively work on the relationship and try to find solutions, rather than leaving the injured party to figure it all out like you are now. He’s not doing that so I don’t think he’s very sorry and that would be my main issue, because if he’s not sorry and repenting, who’s to say he won’t do it again.
obviously even if he was remorseful you don’t have to take him back it or accept it but I don’t really know how you can even begin to get over that level of hurt if the other person just tries to sweep it under the carpet and dismiss your feelings.

So even if you don’t know all the details, you do know that much. Then add in the very high likelihood he cheated at least once and it’s not a surprise you’re struggling to move past it.
you could try couples counselling you could try to get the details, but it all feels a bit fruitless if he’s not willing to put in any work to repair the hurt he’s caused.
i think I’d have one last conversation spelling the situation out to him, and give him a (very generous) chance to realise he’s being an idiot.
and then after that I would detach. Either divorce or just begin to set my life up without him so when we do divorce it’s easier.

If you were ‘on a break’ to quote friends, he’s kind of allowed to sleep with others (as were you). You need to decide if you can draw a line under it or not.

This.

what does knowing change?

You don’t trust him and believe him.

If he tells you the truth nothing about it will change? what if he was cheating? Do you kick him out again? Leave?

If you want to work on your
marriage then i suggest counselling (independent and as a couple)

Well of course you can't move past it and neither should you. Kick him out and be done with it. That's no doubt what the other woman did and why he came crawling back to you.

The question I guess is what would you do with the truth? Would it change things now?
I f he was with someone else would you leave?
I think I would have to make the decision that either he was with someone else and I am over that and happy to draw a line under it. Or that if he was with someone else I would leave. Then act accordingly. Tell him your stance, and that the not knowing leads you to believe that he was with someone else, therefore you are either going to draw a line under it, or leave, whichever you have decided. And that if he doesn’t tell you you are going to leave anyway as the fact he isn’t being open is worse than actually being with someone else and you will not be able to move past it.

He will never tell you the truth. Can you live with that? It’s that simple, if the uncertainty is going to gnaw away at you then there is no future here. You can fix your marriage with honesty and work, but is there any of that coming from him? It doesn’t sound like it.