How can I feel more included among the school mums?

[Schooolm]

I posted in AIBU yesterday as I was upset regarding school mums - feel free to to read but please can someone answer my question before they read the other thread - how can I feel more included by the school mums? As a group I feel ignored. I know I am thoughtful, kind, caring and genuinely a nice person but I feel excluded by the school mums. There’s one woman in particular who makes me feel like crap which confuses me as outside of the school gate we are actually really good friends! Just this summer holiday for example we have been to cinema just us two, took kids to park, just us met for coffee and she has been to my house numerous times. I’ve never been invited to her house as she said she feels embarrassed as it’s in a state. I’ve known her for around 3 years. So I believe we are friends and her effort outside of school in terms of messaging me and arranging things with me suggests she sees me as a friend.

So confusing thing is when I see her at school. She blanks me! Yesterday she was standing around in a circle without acknowledging me.

I find the majority of the school mums really cold. There is another mum I know who u spoke to about this feeling and she said she feels exactly the same and she referred to these particular people as NPC’s as a joke. I feel a lot of them are very cold.

i feel basic manners are missing like I spoke about in my thread yesterday 3 of us sitting in the bench but the other 2 just keep chatting and not including me in the conversation.

I would pull her in front of everyone, I’d say why are you not talking to me today (name) we went to the cinema last week of whatever. Don’t let people make you feel rubbish.

Do you really want to be friends with these people? They sound horrible. Can you chat in the playground to the mum who feels the same? Form another group and laugh together about the NPC’s antics.

I know it feels horrible to be on the outside. From your title I was going to suggest one on one play dates but you have already done that.

I don't understand why you want to be included by people like this?

I'd stand apart and consider them unsuitable as friends.

I just don’t understand the reasoning behind it. I was planning to have a group play date at my home in a few weeks but I just don’t feel like I can now. Maybe I should bite back my feelings and just do it for the sake of my son.

I feel like this because these are parents of my son’s friends. I don’t want my son missing out on things because of how the parents treat me. I was planning a get together in a few weeks and a Halloween party but I feel really annoyed at how they treat me.

Shall I just make peace with how my “friend” is in terms of I acknowledge she won’t speak to me in the school grounds so not to get upset but continue the friendship outside for the sake of my son? But how do I go about this?

Also how can I stop being upset about the feeling of being excluded?

Your DS will not miss out. If the kids are unpleasant like their parents he's best off without them long-term. If the kids are not unpleasant like their parents it won't matter anyway.

I think you need to work on your self-respect, which would be a good example for your kids.

Find better people.

No, stop making an effort with this toxic person. Smile, be polite but match your effort to hers.

Invite a different, nicer person instead.

Don’t be a mug, your so called friend is a using cow, fuck em. Don’t get dragged into any of their nonsense

When you say she blanks you, do you mean that she ignores you if you say hello to her? does she make eye contact and look away without smiling or acknowledging you at all?
If the answer is yes to either of these, then I'd not bother with her at all.

If it's just a case of she doesn't come over to you if she's talking with others, then just keep your friendship casual for the sake of your children.

So for example if we’re standing in a line she will go up to people near me and start chatting. She won’t even look at me, I smile and say hello and she will say hello back but not engage with me further. After drop off she will just wait and walk with others from the class. When I speak to her she does respond but like a few words. She will never come up to me and just chats to others. I know she doesn’t meet up with them as she’s told me but the behaviour really confuses me as one on one she’s really nice.

I haven't read the other thread, but it would be very hard for strangers to guess why they don't talk to you.

My first instinct would be that it's all in your head. So often you get threads on here where people are 'deliberately excluded' but really people just get into a habit and don't really think about it. Talking to one person isn't excluding others. When you're having a conversation with someone, you're not thinking about other people and how you're glad you're not talking to them, you're just engaged in the conversation you're having and not really noticing anyone else.

I don't do the school run any more, but in the early years of primary, I enthusiastically spoke to everyone and collected friends because me being friends with the parents would make it easier for my kids to be friends with their kids. When they got older and could organise their own friendships, that part of life was over for me and although I still liked the mums, my priorities changed and it was more important for me to sit in the car and carry on with my work than chat to people. For all I know, maybe people were wondering why I no longer liked them and stopped hanging around with them, but actually it was nothing to do with them and I just had work to do. People tend to make every situation a reflection on them, whereas often the situation has nothing to do with them.

I have lots of friends at my church, but after the service, there's only one person I talk to. It's a habit that we catch up on Sundays and I'm not even thinking about anyone else. I'm not ignoring them, they're just not on my radar. Maybe your friend likes you very much but the routine is to talk to other mums. Make she's not ignoring you but just scanning for the people she normally talks to. She's probably not giving you a second thought and if she did think about it, she would assume you're doing your own thing. It's not possible to be actively considering the thoughts and feelings of every other person, especially at school, when there's hundreds of other people.

If you find someone else to habitually talk to, you'll stop noticing who everyone else is talking to and you'll see that you talking to x is not you deliberately ignoring y or z.

This is a tricky one op.

Of course you want to feel included but it sounds there is a bit of a nasty clique situation going on.

Is the group dominated by one or two women?

Is your supposed friend one of them?

Tbh I think you sound far too kind and tolerant and people do find kindness threatening unfortunately. I wouldn’t tolerate someone being my friend in private and not in public and nor should you! And she should be inviting you to her home or at least treating you to lunch if you have been hosting her. She is really unpleasant op and I would avoid like the plague.

To answer your question:

Volunteer! You will expand the number of people you know if you get involved in volunteering at the school and it makes such a difference to feeling more at home there. And you won’t need to rely on being friendly with the nasty NPCs!

Don’t give up hope! There are always, I promise, one or two women on the edges of groups who are friendly and decent with good manners. Get to know them by chatting at pick up time and then take the initiative and invite them to yours.

She’s a ‘pick me’ and is trying to get in with the others, you’re convenient for now to her, she’s not your friend. Does your son do other activities, football, beavers etc ? Chat to the parents there

It’s not worth it, what about the lady you were talking to? Why can’t you be friends? There is always so much drama I really couldn’t be bothered. Show up for yourself sorry I know that sounds cringe… like be you, say hello to people and cultivate your own relationships. Leave them to it, don’t be envious. I’ve seen shit hit the fan with affairs, kids falling out, it’s not always idyllic.

He doesn’t do anything outside of school. We have been in waiting list for beavers. He doesn’t like football

Have a look at other activities, swimming, gym, karate, dance, there’ll be other things he can get involved in

She doesn't sound like a true friend. Do you know her only from the school? If so, she's a casual acquaintance at best and you're pinning too much expectation on her. I've had people at the school who I thought were friends but it was just a circumstantial thing based on our kids being friends and once the kids moved on, the friendship fizzled.

Thank you! You just reminded me he used to do karate but we took a break so he can get back into that. Swimming we can get back into too, he hasn’t been for a while.

Are there any mums that stand on their own in the playground, I’d start again and try and make a new friend?

It sounds to me like she's trying to feel part of what she sees as the 'in crowd' , every school has little cliques of parents who stand together giving off that vibe that they're the 'cool' people to stand with.
In reality, from my experience, these cliques consist of women (and sometimes men) who think they're a bit better than everyone else, when they're not.

This woman has said that she doesn't meet up with them outside the school gates, maybe because they're not really interested in her, but she'll still chat with them. I think she sees you as convenient for when she has no one else to be social with outside the school setting.
I'd not host her anymore at your house, and just arrange things for your kids.

thank you everyone for your input, I’m feeling better now. Just went for a walk and now getting my son ready for the day, I just felt yesterday that I’ve failed as a parent as I can’t even get in with the mums. He’s got lovely friends in school and is happy so I should just focus on that. I just feel a mean girls vibe from them. But im going to ignore them now. The other one who I thought was my friend I will just be civil when I see her but stop thinking we’re friends. There are a couple of really nice mums who are not part of this group so will focus on them, they have such a great energy when I say hello to them but our kids aren’t friends (they have girls).

My best friend now is a lady I met at the school gates nearly 30 years ago, our DC were never friends. I find it easier to have one to one or very small group friends than be part of a bigger group.
You will find your people.

I read your other thread and in all honesty you come across as incredibly intense

The other mum is making new friends, if you are appearing demanding and intense it almost comes across as possessiveness
Just say hello and leave her be
Thats the message she is trying to get across to you and instead of that you are chasing more, so she withdraws more

Go in and be polite and stop the whole in tense " ive failed" drama and pressuring people
One whiff of this and people will be very loath to interact with you

I think you’re conflating entirely separate things here. Talk to your ‘friend’ about why she blanks you in certain contexts — that’s not on anyone else.

And I‘ve never found DS’s social life was at all impacted by my relationship with other parents. I barely knew any of them at his first primary because I didn’t generally drop off or pick up. I still invited children he liked for play dates, and everyone attended his birthday parties.

Thirdly, you simply can’t make people like you. Liking is not based on ‘nice’. Do you even like these peiole you’re so desperate to get in with? The group play date would be for the benefit of your son, not you, so go ahead! You don’t need to be friends with his friends’ parents to have it.