Divorce leading to homelessness - advice

[Booktote]

I am in a position where a divorce is highly likely and I’m going to have to leave our home. We have three children ages 13, 15 and 17. My issue is that I am unemployed since 2010 (with a few brief exceptions) as I have been a stay at home parent. As of today I have £90 on my account. Selling some things on vinted to make a little more money fast.

I’m going to be homeless the moment I leave/am made to leave. With things the way they are, what are my chances of getting any help with accommodation? What happens to people who suddenly find themselves without a home? I am terrified. I don’t have any family at all, and I don’t have any friends who could help host me, and I am totally new to these circumstances. There is no help to be expected from soon to be ex husband, who is going to stay in our rented accommodation with our children as he is the one with the income.

I am aiming to get a job asap but it’s going to take me a while to get this all sorted.

If anyone has gone through something similar I would love to hear how you navigated it all. I don’t know what my time frame is, could be nothing at all, could be until June/July.

Why don't you stay in the house with the kids? You can then claim universal credit and housing benefit to help you. Of course, you'll have to get a job as well, regardless of where you're going to be living.

Do not leave your home and children. Apply to the local authority for housing with them. Why do you think you have to be the one to leave? Because he says you do?

i did not want to read and run but please do not leave your children. If you cannot afford legal advice please use chat gpt for basic info on your legal rights as you are married.

I really dislike ai but in this instance it’s been really helpful, with hands on advice. I will apply for universal credit while I look for jobs. I will also try to secure a pension sharing order so that I am not completely penniless in my old age. Other than that I will tough it out without asking husband for financial help for the time being

I know there is a hypothetical scenario where I stay in our flat with the children and he leaves but honestly it feels wrong, when he is the one with the money. He would also be incredibly difficult to fight, as he insists that the children stay with him. I think he might weaponise my cardiac condition to say that I’m not fit to look after them. And honestly it’s better for them to stay in their own, nicer home.

I will aim to stay as close as I possibly can, so that I can be there for our children. In my ideal scenario I come over and cook dinner form them every day, and help with after school logistics as needed.

If you are the parent who has been doing the lion’s share of the childcare, you stay put at home with the children. That applies whether you are a man or a woman.

Unless your wife/husband is abusive that is, in such case you take the children with you and leave until the issue is resolved.

Both of these you do for the sake of the children, if the balance of care is unreasonable, leaving them with the parent who knows less about them not only causes distress, it can prevent you from having regular contact in the future as you have nowhere to have them over. While if you stay with the children you have access to financial support while you find your feet.

Simple - don't leave. At least not until you are ready. I don't think he can just force you out of the marital home, even if it is only his name on the Tenancy agreement.
You are married with DC (a bit older, but still dependants). Financial/child arrangements in a divorce must ensure both people are adequately housed.
Check out the entitled to benefits calculator and start looking for work now - anything to start earning again.
Are there any other marital assets? Like savings accounts or pensions? If so, you would be entitled to 50% of them.
Do you want to leave, or to continue living with your DC? Why can't you continue living with your DC and he pay you CM payments?
Don't be pushed around.

OP reading between the lines I kind of get the impression that you want to leave? That you want to be the non resident parent? Is that right? Nothing wrong if it is, it's just that obviously you will need to house yourself in order to do that.

Can your ex give you a lump sum so that you can set up a new home?

Stay put. the ideal scenario where you are the live out housekeeper is really a non starter. Get legal advice. So your husband can be difficult. So can you.

Cross-posted with you there, OP.
What would your DC like to happen? They are old enough to have a say in who they live with.
I re-iterate, don't let him push you around. You have rights - as a sahm for a decade, your caring contribution is considered an equal contribution to the marriage as his income.
The most common outcome of your family set-up would be for the SAHP to stay living with the DC and the earning parent to pay child maintenance, although you would be expected to start earning too.

Yes, he may be difficult, and sure he will weaponise your heart condition to keep the children and say you are not fit to look after them… but that is a hurdle you need to go through to ensure you are there for your children especially if you know he can be difficult or even abusive, we all divorced people went through it at different levels of severity.

Things to do:

• contact women’s aid, you may have been abused if you are prepared to leave so easily. Are you scared, do you feel useless? Those are signs of being in an abusive relationship. Wa can provide advice and refer you to organisations that can support you and your children.
• Go to entitledto.co.uk and calculate how much financial support (including housing benefit) you will get to help you and your children
• You can also get support to help you get back into work.

You won’t get any of the above if you leave without your children or if they spend more nights a year with his dad than at yours.

Yes, he may be difficult, and sure he will weaponise your heart condition to keep the children and say you are not fit to look after them… but that is a hurdle you need to go through to ensure you are there for your children especially if you know he can be difficult or even abusive, we all divorced people went through it at different levels of severity.

Things to do:

• contact women’s aid, you may have been abused if you are prepared to leave so easily. Are you scared, do you feel useless? Those are signs of being in an abusive relationship. Wa can provide advice and refer you to organisations that can support you and your children.
• Go to entitledto.co.uk and calculate how much financial support (including housing benefit) you will get to help you and your children
• You can also get support to help you get back into work.

You won’t get any of the above if you leave without your children or if they spend more nights a year with his dad than at yours.

Ps the come over and cook dinner scenario is a pipe dream.

He wouldn’t welcome the idea of you coming into his space regularly once he no longer sees you as a close relative, much less so when he moves on and start meeting other people.

My ex and I split amicably, but even if we remained amicable for years (before we destroyed ourselves in court), I remember how much I resented him coming into my space as if he still lived there just a week later and helping himself to food in the fridge… I never expected that, it drove me absolutely nuts, my mind was already on we are not a couple anymore mode and him getting into the house that I quickly started to see as DS’s and my space only was not something that I could tolerate easily. He kept the keys for years but he had to learn very quickly to knock at the door and respect my new boundaries and belongings.

Chatgpt is your friend for this tbh

@Booktote
Don't be a martyr. And don't just give up. You don't need to leave at all. And your H has obligations to you as well - both on sharing all assets, and on possibly giving you maintenance while you get on your feet.
If he has income - HE moves out and rents new. You try to get UC and pay for the flat you are in. And while you are retraining/looking for jobs - H will have to support you. This is the protection marriage gives you.

Also - investigate if you are due any health related benefits.

Stay put. He can leave. Have you thought about getting legal advice?

please dont leave. you risk him alienating you from your children.

I feel reading between the lines that you are being bullied by your husband. If you can answer that truthfully, more advice can be given appropriate to your circumstances.

Please do not minimize your contribution to your household. You raised the kids and did all the unpaid work that enabled your husband to work. You should get half of what ever he gets.

Are you privately renting or though HA? If privately, you might have to give up the tenancy to him as you probably would not not pass the landlord's affordability checks, at least not right now. The only thing you can do now is get a full-time job asap, build up some savings (you'll need to pay a deposit) and try and hang on living in your current setting until you are able to afford to move out. He can't just throw you out with immediate effect, you have a whole divorce to go through and a financial agreement to get signed off. It takes a while.

You have a right, as long as you are married, to live in the marital home https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/marital_home_rights

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate all the input and all the hands on advice. To answer a few questions in random order:

• renting privately
• there is no money for him to pay me a lump sum. He will inherit one day but at the moment there is just enough to cover rent and the children’s activities etc
• Why I feel the marriage should end: it’s my last resort. I come from a broken home and all I ever wanted was for my children to have both parents, together. He has been a good husband for the absolute majority of our marriage but lately I’ve come to the realisation that there is an element of coercive control on the financial side. It is a long story. I also don’t think he likes me very much anymore. He avoids me, and rarely wants to speak with me.
• I can appreciate that it looks like I’m being a martyr but we just can’t afford two households. I understand that I could potentially be the one to stay with the children but I genuinely feel that he is entitled to live in the flat he is paying for. I’d hate pushing him out, also because it would be incredibly unpleasant to the point where I can’t see myself going through with it. It would be unspeakable and it would probably end up alienating the children from me. I just can’t take it, it would devastate them
• I don’t want to leave my children! I just don’t have any fight in me. I want us to part ways as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.
• he works late which is why I feel I could come and help around the house and spend time with my children, at least initially. I can see how this sounds incredibly naive but I am vaguely hopeful. Eventually he might meet someone new but I hope it’s not too soon.
• The children are growing up so fast. They are all desperate for more independence, so as much as I don’t want to break up their home, in some ways I don’t think it will be as bad as I had feared. Lots of their friends have divorced parents so sadly it’s been normalised for them.

Some CABs have something called a One Stop Shop for women in your position; they'll give you an appointment to see a housing adviser, solicitor and a women's support worker all at once. Worth asking about, because you do need all that advice. He wouldnt' be paying for the flat if you could get the rent covered on universal credit and you might be entitled to PIP with your condition OP, plus child benefit (for the youngest?). Then with his salary which you seem to be saying is healthy he can rent somewhere else.

Honestly, what you are planning isnt ok and is just going to get worse quite quickly. It sounds like you are being controlled/coerced. Please get proper advice.

very true, but I also know that we are stretched to our very limits financially and the only thing left to cut back on would be the children, should this whole mess end up adding to the family expenses because we have to fund two households. I’ve worked so hard (through various sacrifices and inconveniences over the years, and giving up my career) to ensure they have the opportunities they have today, and to have our marital nonsense result in all of this being for nothing is not acceptable to me. I’d rather deal with what I hope is a temporary setback for myself.

Forget about what you think is fair or easiest, what would be best for the children?

You need to get some proper advice, are you in rented or do you have a mortgage? It makes a difference, i only know of one person in your situation that left her husband, she literally had to pack up and leave, headed down to the local council who put her in temporary accommodation until they could find her something permanent.

You have children so you are a higher priority. She now has a little new build, found a part time job and gets help with her rent etc It’s not as scary as you think but you have to be prepared to compromise a bit until you finally get settled.