How can I encourage my husband to initiate sex sometimes?

[Namechange274959]

i would like some advice on a slight concern I have in respect of my sex life with my husband.

I would say in general neither of us has a very high libido. We enjoyed regular sex for the first few years of our relationship, but now we're both happy with it between 2 and 5 times a month. It may just be the stage we're in (incredibly high-stress jobs, young children, relentlessly sleep deprived and knackered) or it may be that we're just fairly low-drive people and this is what we like.

When we do have sex it's amazing - loving, fun, multiple orgasms, simultaneous orgasms etc. Absolutely no complaints.

he's a brilliant husband, everything I could ever want, and I love him to pieces.

in many ways it feels inappropriate to complain because we have an embarrassment of riches in our relationship. My only gripe is that he absolutely never initiates sex. All the sex we have had in the last 8 years at least has been at my suggestion.

he never rejects me (I obviously wouldn't mind if he did but he is enthusiastically up for it every time). He's always keen. But he's never the one to make a move. He doesn't even hint.

i am someone who responds strongly to the feeling of being desired and I would LOVE for him to make a move sometImes. It's not that I want lots more sex, it's just that I want some proportion of the sex we do have to be because he actively wants it and has communicated desire to me.

We have talked about it many times and he understands where I'm coming from but it hasn't really changed anything. He seems to think that because he's always keen whenever I suggest it, it's my responsibility to do so. Whereas maybe I'll say no? And that's something he is concerned about. It's like he thinks that I know he's keen, so if I haven't suggested it it must be because I don't want to.

Is this something we can work on, and if so how when he agrees with me but doesn't really change his behaviour? Or should I accept it?

it's the one hiccup in an otherwise absolutely magic relationship so if I just have to accept it an an imperfection I will! But I would love if I could find a way to get through to him.

I'm a bloke with a pretty typical, healthy sex drive. Some men might desperately want or need more, but for most men I imagine having sex "2 and 5 times a month" would be enough to keep the wolf from the door, so to speak! :)

I expect he is happy with the regularity and the tactic understanding that you will make a move when you feel like it. Life is rosy for him right now, he feels fulfilled. Stop initiating for a few weeks and see what happens...

Haha, don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling used!

But if she initiates and I'm not in the mood, then I do sometimes get asked if I mind if she has a little alone time, so it's a very clear case of "You're first choice, but other options are available" rather than "I'm horny because of you."

She's horny because she's horny i suppose, i can't think of one instance in my life where i've ever said no, maybe as i get older things will change, and there isn't a yes or a no at the moment so i think you're a very lucky man...

I’m unsure if it is something to try to change dramatically. As a PP said it sounds like a dream set up where mutual desire is reciprocated (sounds fantastic, I’m green with envy!).

If the ‘pay off’ is initiating, it’s not too bad.

Reading your comments it almost sounds like he is not sure how to begin initiating - so it’s almost like you need to signal that you are up for it without actually doing anything.
how do you normally sleep, do you cuddle or spoon?
try holding or putting his hands on your chest and see if he takes a non verbal cue

What would happen if you completely stopped initiating and let him do that?

I think you can only keep communicating with him verbally and by habit the times when you would absolutely not turn him down for sex, which is a bit lacking in spontaneity in itself but can't be helped with busy lives. Just generally though try to maintain the intimacy between you - it's up to him as well. Takes two to tango. But also try not to be upset or take it personally that he doesn't initiate sex. It's no reflection on you at all.

We're also very physically affectionate generally - plenty of feet rubs, cuddles, kisses, hand holding etc., again not leading to sex unless I shift it that way.

This is really positive and lovely. And no-one is watching or judging how often you have full sex. You don't have to keep score, try not to let perceived external pressure about how much full sex you must have spoil the relationship.

Sound like you have a lovely relationship.

There are dozens of threads where the wife is complaining about her sex pest husband. Don't knock what you've got.

There's a consent model called "female first", which is basically your sex life codified as the most ethical form of straight sex. The thinking is:

• Men are physically stronger, so any request he makes has an implied threat of force behind it even if he would never want to use it. She's having to trust him on that.
• The negative consequences of sex are worse for women, like pregnancy, tearing, and cystitis.

So to be sure that the woman is giving 100% freely-chosen consent, she needs to initiate every time.

Your husband sounds like an utter sweetheart.

Thank you everyone ❤️

He is without a doubt absolutely wonderful - genuinely someone who has never let me down or made me feel anything other than cherished, supported and adored every day of our lives together.

I really do appreciate what we have and am so grateful for the relationship and for him! Going to go and give him a coffee and a cuddle now in appreciation.

Wish my wife was receptive to my advances.

@PegLegJim You may find comfort in this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread?page=39

Quality is so much better than quantity. Maybe you initiating is what makes him more responsive? I feel you're good at communicating with each other why don't you just ask?