How can I encourage my husband to initiate sex sometimes?

[Namechange274959]

i would like some advice on a slight concern I have in respect of my sex life with my husband.

I would say in general neither of us has a very high libido. We enjoyed regular sex for the first few years of our relationship, but now we're both happy with it between 2 and 5 times a month. It may just be the stage we're in (incredibly high-stress jobs, young children, relentlessly sleep deprived and knackered) or it may be that we're just fairly low-drive people and this is what we like.

When we do have sex it's amazing - loving, fun, multiple orgasms, simultaneous orgasms etc. Absolutely no complaints.

he's a brilliant husband, everything I could ever want, and I love him to pieces.

in many ways it feels inappropriate to complain because we have an embarrassment of riches in our relationship. My only gripe is that he absolutely never initiates sex. All the sex we have had in the last 8 years at least has been at my suggestion.

he never rejects me (I obviously wouldn't mind if he did but he is enthusiastically up for it every time). He's always keen. But he's never the one to make a move. He doesn't even hint.

i am someone who responds strongly to the feeling of being desired and I would LOVE for him to make a move sometImes. It's not that I want lots more sex, it's just that I want some proportion of the sex we do have to be because he actively wants it and has communicated desire to me.

We have talked about it many times and he understands where I'm coming from but it hasn't really changed anything. He seems to think that because he's always keen whenever I suggest it, it's my responsibility to do so. Whereas maybe I'll say no? And that's something he is concerned about. It's like he thinks that I know he's keen, so if I haven't suggested it it must be because I don't want to.

Is this something we can work on, and if so how when he agrees with me but doesn't really change his behaviour? Or should I accept it?

it's the one hiccup in an otherwise absolutely magic relationship so if I just have to accept it an an imperfection I will! But I would love if I could find a way to get through to him.

You have what many women can only dream of OP.

But I see what you mean.

I know, I do feel I don't really have much right to complain! Maybe I'm asking to have my cake and eat it too.

Sounds like you’ve landed a chap with responsive desire ! They do exist although they are seemingly rarer the RD women.

Id have a read of come as you are or mating in captivity and see if he’ll read them to . I’ve read them both for the reverse reason.

been together a long time things have improved from never to occasionally when the stars align she will initiate. Like you every other aspect amazing You can’t always get what you want.

it’s nice to feel desired though male or female x

I have this the other way. Husband wishes i would iniatate sex it is always him - i like it when we do do it but just don't actually think about it at all so i never iniatate it. I dont know why i never think about it we have a good relationship but sex isnt as important to me as to him

Just tell him you’d love it if he tried it on with you now and again, or maybe try a bit of dirty talk and see if he responds.

If I can be alowed to say one thing as a man it’s Honestly if you did I can guarantee you and any other woman reading this would seriously reap the rewards.

My DW can remember anything and everything that ascertains to family life. She quite rightly wanted me to share this load which I have done my very best to step up

yet to she has outsourced her entire sex life to me .Not being a moany man Op has articulated how it feels well. Having some actual want to want you is one of life’s gifts. If she wasn’t so bloody fabulous I wouldn’t have stayed.

Give it a go x

Has it been the case in the past that his sex drive has exceeded yours: that he has tried to initiate sex and you have turned him down? If so, he has probably trained himself to let you take the lead.

It will be difficult to change this habit. You will have to not only communicate to him that you want him to be the one to initiate, but you will have to make sure you are responsive to it when it happens even if you don't feel like it at the time.

We've always been fairly evenly matched, both used to want it more. I have always initiated more than him but he did used to initiate sometimes and I didn't regularly turn him down. I've always been so delighted when he did take the lead that I was happy to do it.

he did used to initiate sometimes and I didn't regularly turn him down

The “regularly” here perhaps implies that you did sometimes turn him down, which could account for him training himself. But then you go on to say “always” in your next sentence so I don’t know what to suggest really. What form does initiating sex take for you, and at what stage does it cross from “you singular initiating” to “you plural having”?

From a man's perspective, it sounds like he's afraid of rejection. You could maybe tell him that if he initiates more, there will be times that you're not up for it and will say no, but that doesn't mean you find him unattractive or that you will never want it ever when he initiates. Men tend to catastrophise when they are rejected sexually as it's such a strong part of their identity and ego, so if you can help him understand you love him and find him attractive no matter what, I reckon you'll get the result you're looking for here.

Yeah, I think this is where it stems from. I really didn't regularly reject him in the past, I've almost always been keen if he is! It's probably happened a handful of times when I've not felt great or been too tired, but always done respectfully and he has never ever sulked or expressed negativity about me saying no. But I think for him the fear of rejection is strong because he has this deep rooted sense that if I want it I'll initiate, so not initiating means I'm not up for it. Whereas the reality is that him initiating would make me up for it!

Probably a handful of times, but really not often. Him wanting sex was always a turn on for me so it usually got me in the mood. He never ever made a big deal of me saying no when I did, and it was always calm and respectful on both sides.

These says initiating is usually a fairly prosaic 'shall we have sex?' from me. Sometimes I'll build a bit of anticipation by sending a suggestive message earlier in the day as a primer. Sometimes I'll just start kissing him on the sofa or whatever. He responds immediately and enthusiastically every time, picks up signals right away etc. But if I haven't given those signals it's like the concept of sex doesn't exist for him.

This is why I ask what form initiating takes: because you want to move from “you initiating” to “you making it clear that you want it” to “you signalling that you want it and him initiating” to “him initiating”.

This is a good idea - I'm probably being far too practical / upfront about it at the moment when actually I could give subtler signals and over time he can (hopefully) get more confident about being the one actually getting the ball rolling

Have you ever tried kissing him in such a way that would otherwise be an unambiguous prelude to sex, but when sex is clearly not an option, like in the back aisle of the supermarket or whatever? Such that when you get back home he knows you’ll be receptive?

I haven't but I'll definitely give it a try!

Is that not just pre-initiating though and effectively the same thing? She's still communicating that she wants to have sex with him, just more subtly

I think everyone so far is spot on, it's all about signals, i might be wrong but i suspect that couples rarely discuss when they are going to do it, maybe in the early days of a relationship, but as a relationship grows i think sex relies heavily on signals.

One poster got it spot on i think, if a man gets rejected he will naturally be less confident in initiating next time, it's a method of protecting himself from further rejection/ego damage and for some men like me it will be more about respecting boundaries, i mean no-one would push themselves on someone when they really aren't up for it, unfortunately in some cases when rejection becomes more frequent a man will just give up trying altogether. And to be honest after a certain amount of rejection the message becomes very clear and it would just be wrong to keep trying...

I'm sure this is true but in our case rejection hasn't been frequent

Yes, but the idea is to start decoupling the signal from the sex. He needs to unlearn “she desires me when it’s time for sex” and instead learn “she desires me more broadly” with a view to “she won’t reject me if I suggest it’s time for sex”.

I don’t know if this will work in your case @Namechange274959 because it sounds as though there have been relatively few and relatively minor cases of negative conditioning. It may just be, as another commenter said, that his desire is more responsive than most.

Has it always been this way? What would happen if you flirted with him?

We're quite flirtatious generally and it's fun and reciprocal but would still only result in sex if it led to me giving explicit signals. We're also very physically affectionate generally - plenty of feet rubs, cuddles, kisses, hand holding etc., again not leading to sex unless I shift it that way.

i think decoupling the signal from the moment is a really good idea. It feels almost counter intuitive because to me the issue is that he doesn't express spontaneous desire for me, rather than that I don't sufficiently desire him. But I can definitely see how moving away from expressions of desire only ever being linked with sex could help him feel more confident in my receptivity generally.

Alcohol

As long as he didn't over do it and end up with a 'Limp Bizkit' cos that would defeat the object 😂

But if I haven't given those signals it's like the concept of sex doesn't exist for him.

Maybe it just doesn't?

DP and I have been together for a good 20 years. For the first year-ish she initiated, but that was before we lived together.

For the last 2 years she initiates lots, because she peri-menopausal and it's sent her libido through the roof.

For the intervening 17 years, I could count on my fingers the total number of times she initiated.

It just wasn't on her radar, she never just felt horny out of the blue, I always had to do or say something that triggered that reaction.

I think a responsive libido is probably more common for women than men, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist for men.

I used to feel a bit like you OP, that I'd like her to initiate and feel a bit more desired, but I realised that the fact that all it took was me saying "Shall we?" To get her in the mood was her actually desiring me.

Weirdly, I think I felt more desired then than I do now. At the moment, DP wants sex, and don't get me wrong, I'm really not complaining about that. But if I wasn't around then she'd be reaching for a toy to scratch that itch, or if we split up then another bloke.

Back then she wasn't that bothered about sex, she didn't think about it until I suggested it, it was me she wanted.

I think there is a fine line between feeling desired and feeling used, i don't feel either at the moment, so what i can tell you is there's nothing in the middle 😂