Seeking Help

[DizziLizzy]

Im not sure how ive landed where I am but im not coping.

DH of 27 years has walked out and taken all his belongings. There isn't another woman (yes I know) as only ever at work or at home. He may or may not come home. I love him and want to fix things.
I can't think clearly, im distressed and any conversation i try to have ends with me in hysterics and coming across crazy. Im just devastated. Im barely coping, my entire body is constantly trembling and my weight has plummeted. Im ill. Any suggestions where's best to seeking help for my emotions please? I don't know if im coming or going.
In normal times im calm, patient and sensible. Please help.

There's always a possibility of another woman op in sorry to say. Do you have anyone in RL you can reach out to for help?

I've been exactly where you are. The broad strokes I'd suggest are below.

• Talk to your GP, and urgently. Be clear about all of the physical & psychological symptoms.
• Look for local depression/anxiety support - your GP can help with that too.
• If you have a close friend or family member you trust, contact them and ask for help.
• If you can afford to, find a local therapist that covers things like divorce, grief, attachment, trauma

If you are hitting your limit tonight and don't have another outlet, look for phone support. They'll vary depending on where you're based, but the Samaritans are often widely available.

And if you can't face any of it tonight, try again tomorrow.

Don't try to do this on your own.

samaritans are always available on the phone, there may be a wait but the lines are manned constantly 24/7 - please call, someone is there to listen

I know there is but DS works full-time with his dad and they are never apart. DS would tell me. If DH is not at work he is at home. I think its more likely its burnout and he wants more from life rather than the daily grind and im the collateral damage.

Ive spoken to a few friends they believe I need a counsellor as my mental health is shot. Dark intrusive thoughts unfortunately.

Don't want to tell family until I absolutely know its final as I dont want strained relationship going forwards.

Thank you

Thank you. Ill bear them in mind. I wonder if there us a service that particularly specialises in relationship breakdowns.

Im currently listening to my wise friends but am not acting on advice. I want to be strong, calm and clear but hysterics is seemingly my fight or flight response which i am not proud of. In normal times im very rational and reasonably tough admittedly i do have a sensitive spot though. Im struggling.

Thank you. This made me well up. Ive done alot of crying but also at times im crying inside with no tears on the outside. Im desperately sad. Im just about pulling myself into work but im on the verge of going sick (I've had 1 instance of sick in 30 years of service) but then id be at home eating myself up.

I was the same. I took the time off, but judge for yourself which would work best for you. If being off looks like being home alone, then I'd avoid that until you've got some support practices in place, but don't be afraid to lean on your friends if you can.

Right now your only real concern needs to be getting through today & tomorrow in one piece.

There are other things that can/will help you later on, but right now you'll be in varying degrees of shock.

When it was me, I had the whole lot. Crying, tremors, blanking, raging anxiety, oscillating between occasional pragmatism/hope and pure black hole depression - to such a degree that I genuinely felt insane, including repeating thoughts of self harm (which was wildly out of character), the lot.

Things will start feeling better, and they'll probably start feeling better sooner than you can really believe right now.

But don't try to do it on your own, and don't give up. You're hurt, not broken, and you deserve support.

Firstly sorry to hear you are going through this, i’ve been there so i know how you feel, the only healer is time and it will hurt like fuck for quite a long time, it’s important that you remember you’ve been happy before and you’ll be happy again.

If you’re convinced there isn’t another woman i would say try and speak to him to find out why he left, it will be a faster fix for you if you can resolve it. Failing that just find ways to occupy your time, it’s those quiet moments where the dark thoughts prey on you. Big hugs 🤗

Oh thank you. The hurt not broken bit has got me. I really do hope thats true as I feel broken. Im a pretty nice person , im kind and caring i just cant focus right now. So hard to act on advice when fight or flight kicks in my case its seemingly hysteria which like you is completely out of character. My DH now thinks im a loon.

You're not hysterical. Your body and mind are having a completely normal, and largely uncontrollable, reaction to trauma. Trauma that, as far as I can tell, he's chosen to put you through.

So, with all due respect, fuck what he thinks.

TY.

The dark thoughts are scary. Ive never had anything like this before even though I've faced quite a few trauma. I dont think id act on them but the sudden hysteria which im trying to suppress makes me flip out. Ive had @two episodes of this state, hoping not to have another!

I totally think things are fixable as long as we start talking, keep talking and keep listening. But im desperate to resolve things so would believe that.

My job is customer facing so it keeps.me busy so cant hide away unfortunately mind is elsewhere the entire time. Im holding it all in and when I finally get in the car to come home I sob the entire journey. Thanks for the advice, I will try to process it.

This is true and he knows and admits its all him. Im trying to be calm but then all of a sudden im sobbing, angry, yelling and begging. I seem to have no control and have embrassingly had a melt down in front of my DD boyfriend which is not me. I don't do drama.

What you are feeling is a completely normal response to shock, it’s almost impossible to control the thoughts flying around your head so in the short term please just try to suppress the dark thoughts, any form of self-harm won’t make you feel better, you aren’t the problem, you haven’t done anything wrong so punishing yourself won’t help.

I would strongly advise trying to initiate contact with him as part of the problem is probably the not knowing why he left in the first place. X

Exactly. It's not you. It's you with cruel and extreme trauma forced upon you.

And the anger, bargaining and depression are all natural and common responses to it.

But it will pass. And the more support you seek out, the quicker that will be.

Thank you everyone.. Now to try and get some sleep, im s bad sleeper at the best of times. Sleeping is the only time im calm then I wake and reality kicks in

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not broken, you're in shock and struggling to make sense of his sudden departure. Has he given a reason or is it just 'I'm not happy'?

I think for now you need to concentrate on you - firstly make an appointment with your GP and tell them how you're feeling. Secondly, please do lean on friends and family for support, you can't do this alone and you shouldn't.

Has he given you any reason to believe that this isn't a permanent separation? Unless he has, I think you need to assume it is and not give yourself false hope. Think about getting some legal advice and make sure you're aware of the financial situation. Don't rely on him to be fair or reasonable.

Thank you. His reasons are that he thinks we are housemates. And that he wants more out of life. I cant understand this as we have a pretty good life!!

He has said he needs time yo process and doesn't know what he wants
That leaves me in limbo and prolonged the pain. I know I should ne thinking about myself but all I want is him home.

When a man says he thinks you are housemates it usually means the intimacy has gone from the relationship, it’s a polite way of saying, you don’t want to have sex with me anymore. I can’t imagine anyone saying that if they are in an intimate relationship but i could be wrong?

We are intimate right up until he left. His drive is higher than mine mind you.

That is really odd tbh, i can't get my head around why any man would use the term housemates if you where still active in the bedroom, that makes no sense which means it must be an excuse for something else.

There are several online directories for counsellors. I think most are qualified to work with relationship issues. As he doesn’t seem clear whether he wants to end your marriage or not, couples counselling might serve you both well.

But if he refuses couples counselling then, as impossible as it might seem right now, you need to toughen up and insist he gives you a definite time frame for how long he intends to leave you in limbo while he works out what he wants.

When people leave but offer a vague notion that they might come back it is cruel and selfish. They are not doing it to lessen the blow. They do it to leave the door open in case their new found freedom isn’t what they’d hoped it would be.

I think it might be burnout from high pressured job. But he stopped talking to me and lashes out when things aren't going great work wise.

It's a mess but fixable. I agree that leaving me in an abyss is not fair and I've told him so, but he believes he needs time.

Hmm housemates is just a strange term to use in that instance, either way the last person you take your frustrations out on is your wife. Maybe he's just decided he want's be on his own or something...it doesn't make much sense and what everyone needs from a breakup is to understand why...it's part of the healing process.

If he feels the way he says , then it's very real for him

Unless what he doesn't like can be fixed, should he come back home, he'll simply leave again

It's rare for a man to leave a marriage without

A. The marriage being hell on earth
B. There being another woman somewhere