Do ex-partners ever feel shame after saying cruel things?

[MyNavyOP]

I am 35F and ex is 33M. No kids.

In the last conversation I had with my ex, 5 weeks ago, we argued about how I feel he disrespects me. An example I gave was that a year on, he still owes me a significant amount of money which he has never proactively attempted to pay back - even in installments.

As soon as I mentioned that, he called me worthless - amongst other very cruel things and an antisemitic slur too. It wasn’t the first time he’d been cruel - unfortunately a year prior I ended up unexpectedly pregnant and decided to terminate (as we’d only been together 8 weeks), but at my age was very difficult. In subsequent arguments he had said he was glad he had never had a child with me and would never want to be with a woman like me. Stupidly I took him back, and then earlier in summer this other argument ensued.

I haven’t heard from him since. Do people like that ever feel shame for the cruel words they use? And why would someone ever call someone they supposedly love worthless?

Nope, don’t waste your time waiting for his apology

No. You need to learn to let go and move on.

No I doubt he feels any shame. He's a nasty man and you're better off without him. Stop giving him any headspace and move on with your life. Sounds like you've dodged a bullet there!

In my experience no. Both my ex husband and ex long term partner said some horrendous things when we separated. I would love an apology from both of them but I know it’s unlikely to happen . I also know that me getting on and living my best life has irked them both and I take comfort from that .

He doesn't actually think you're worthless. He's using cruelty as a way to keep your money. He's not feeling shame. More likely he's proud of himself for getting away with it.

Why would he say it then? I can’t imagine ever telling someone they are worthless. Part of me wants to write the money off, the other part thinks no - he owes it! I just don’t want to get it touch with him.

I never understand why the become so cruel, but good for you. I hope you’re living your best life!

No I don’t think so, I had a 2 year relationship with a woman who, after we broke up, told me that she was embarrassed to have wasted 2 years of her life with me - that was about 9:months ago and it still bothers me now

I think some people are cruel all the time, they just pretend to be nice to get what they want from you.

do you have proof of the debt? I don’t know what the small claims court is called these days but is it worth it going after him legally?

Some will have a conscience and some won't, yours unfortunately doesn't sound like the type that would...

That’s a horrible thing to say. I’m sorry. Sounds like you are better off without though - people’s true colours always come through eventually. I am still bothered by things exes have told me even years later so you’re not alone!

Yes it often takes time for the mask to slip, that’s what can be difficult about getting to know someone. I think I have messages but unfortunately it was a holiday I paid for upfront on my credit card (flights, hotel etc). He didn’t have a credit card (as he had debt) so I said I would put it on mine, but he would have to pay me his half - which he promised to do. His family are aware he owes it too. Part of me wants to try and get it back but the other part of me doesn’t want to have to get in touch as I know he will be nasty.

I hope you informed her before she left that she was a nasty little c**t 😅

I think if you are not nasty, it's hard to understand someone who is. Sadly, I think some people just get used to being treated like dirt and spoken to in a worthless way.
I very much doubt the person is ever really sorry; they may say they are till the next time.

I don't know if you will ever get the money back, if you don't, it's a small price to pay for shedding such a horrible load.

I apologised to my ex, and still feel shame now, for the things I said to him. But they were not even a tenth as cruel as what your ex said to you.
My ex also said horrible things to me and hasn't ever apologised.

No often mean people feel entitled to treat others badly and they never reflect on it

I think people seem to be divided by those who find it hard to say unkind things and those who sort of ‘come alive’ when they’ve got the excuse to be mean. It’s psychological violence. He has calculated that he can’t beat you physically but he can sure as hell hurt your mind, ALL interpersonal/relationsl abuse and violence is psychological because if your partner punches you it isn’t the actual broken blood vessels that are the problem, the problem is you have a partner you know is not safe and that all goes on in your mind.

suffice to say no I don’t think they care. That terrible thing they said that altered how you felt about the world albeit for a while? for them that was just a Tuesday and they were just airing out their hate. Feel sorry for them op. You won’t wake up everyday for the rest of your life in a mind that probably enjoys harming people and if you ever want to think up a miserable hellscape to be caught in you would struggle to find something worse than that.

Abusers do not. The very worse ones thrive on it, fixate on it, return to it and use your reaction to fuel more of it. These people are not the same as someone who says something rashly, in the heat of the moment and has capacity to regret it. The abusers have no guilt and perceive what they say as a result of being provoked.

Theres a huge difference and being able to work out where someone sits on the scale is key to being safe from abuse and domestic violence. This was very hard for me to learn - my ex husband is amoral, almost sociopathic, and escaping him and emotional abuse was a fight for life. Avoid these men, and early.

If you don't ever get in touch because he was so horrible then he has succeeded in keeping your money. That's why he said it. He said whatever it took to make you go away. There's no point in imagining what you would do. You are a nice person. He is not.

Yes, some people seem to thrive on it - or can’t take accountability in the moment so blame the other person as they’ve been “provoked”. You are right though, what a horrible headspace they must live with.

I think in my ex’s case it probably came from some form of childhood trauma (doesn’t it always) - his dad was abusive to his mother. He is just a very angry man and whenever he felt “disrespected” would lash out. Exactly as you said, he’d feel justified to be cruel as he felt provoked. What signs do you think you can pick up on to avoid this in the future? I’m sorry you endured that with your exes too - hope you are living a much more peaceful and fulfilled life now.

That’s true - I didn’t even look at it that way but you’re right. Thank you for replying :)

My ex husband cheated on me and called me pond scum. It has taken a while for me to come to terms with alot that he said.

Always look at how their father treated or treats their mother. You can tell if men will have a certain view of women by how their father talks to their mum quite often, which might take a while to see as often the men are as charming as their son. You can always tell when they are negging them behind their back, moaning about things not being the way they like them, making out food is inedible and all of the usual signs of treating a woman like a live in chef/nanny/sex toy/slave. I had an ex whose dad used to comment on his wife every time she scurried off to the kitchen to get him another cup of tea/snack/tissue and it was actually exactly how the ex ended up treating me. Of course everyone laughed, how droll! Little lazy wifey, what a silly woman... Beware.

I will be mindful of that. His mum and dad were long divorced before I came onto the scene - she despised him! But his sibling told me it was physical abuse too which always made me a bit nervous. And his mum and sibling even warned me about his temper saying he got it from his dad. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as they say. I need to trust my gut more.