Help me never go back there again please

[Concerts2026]

Together 6 yrs, love him but very passive, low energy. Ghosted me 2 weeks ago after a minor fall out, blocked then unblocked me and now on Tinder. He did same thing a few yrs ago after I ended things due to his lack of effort and consistency but he texted every few days for over 2 months and I eventually caved. I still love him and hate to think of him with someone else but I'm 50 and know I deserve better. I am in awe of all the strong people on here. I deleted our chat and his contact last night. We never lived together, live 40 miles apart and have no children together or mutual friends I'd meet on a regular basis.

Aw thanks @findingjoy22 good for you never having to read it. I can relate to what you're saying...I think I'll be embarrassed when I look back in time.

Aah I’ve been through similar and the emotional impact is horrible. Maybe try and do very low key activities, maybe things you don’t normally do. Getting out the house, take a book to a cafe and have a coffee and sandwich. Short walk, tell yourself you can go home after 20 minutes if you hate it. Nothing wild - just little distractions with a purpose. Say yes to any invitations even if you don’t feel like it and even if you only go out for a short time. I lose my appetite under stress so sometimes it’s easier to have a snack whilst out than sit in the house not fancying any food.

Can I ask how long before you started to feel real progress?

For me it was several weeks but I’d gone back to him (more than once) when it had ended previously so I had to prove to myself this was definitely the end. It was a messy break up, on/off. Complicated by other factors (we worked together at one point) we were quite enmeshed. When it was good I was on top of the world. So there was all this emotion to process.

Were you together long?

It’s so hard. We get attached to the routine and the familiarity and just having someone there. It can get harder to form all sorts of relationships in middle age - friendships and romantic relationships alike - and so a loss of one is more keenly felt, even if we know it’s not right. The sense of loneliness is a bit deeper. The greater loneliness, though, is giving away years of your life to a relationship that doesn’t really nourish you in the ways you need. You have to imagine future you and how she’d feel if you didn’t get out now.

True @BibbityBoppityTwo I do love him, we had some great times but it was hard work to get what should come naturally, consistent time and communication. Tough thinking about the effort he will put into someone new. That said I've been thinking more and more as time has gone on about what you said about how the relationship would progress and because of his love for the pub I can see that it would be lonely and frustrating for a partner unless they enjoy that too. Im not talking a few casual pints. He could go down at 6 on his Saturday off and be there until 2am and then repeat on Sunday. I need to wake myself up to the very unattractive reality here.

Around 3 years

Thanks @Nomorecoconutboosts well I'm not just there yet so hopefully I will feel better in the next few weeks. I saw relatives of his in my local Asda today and dodged them as I just couldn't face a conversation.

You love the idea of him and you want him to be different, it doesn’t sound like he will change to be honest as it seems to be his default behaviour, as you have no ties i’d just look for someone who will treat you right instead, 50 isn’t old so you’re by no means on the shelf yet.

Thanks @OMGDidYouSayThat I do have a lot to offer and am young at heart. I also agree I dont think he can change but I suppose unfortunately sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. It will just take time

Fair point @Achangeinplan

Update, so he texted last night to forward a message from his son. His son and girlfriend, who im very close to, got the keys of the first new home together Friday and messaged to ask his dad, me and 2 brothers over for wk end of 25th Sept for the housewarming. So obviously he hadn't told his boys yet. I know most people will say absolutely don't go but they asked me back in May and again in August. Its just not easy.

I saw relatives of his in my local Asda today and dodged them as I just couldn't face a conversation.

Decades ago when I was worried about bumping into mutual friends after a break up I used to create ridiculous fantasy scenarios to make me giggle. Like him turning up in a Maserati with the 90’s equivalent of Sabrina Carpenter. I worked out how I’d handle that situation so seeing his 78 year old nan at the fish counter always seemed easier after that. Decades have passed and it turns out that actually, that ex that had me so messed up? he really was a shit human and my sweet heart needn’t have given him a moments notice.

Thanks @speakball. I'm obviously affected by him too and his recent message has thrown me again