Help me never go back there again please

[Concerts2026]

Together 6 yrs, love him but very passive, low energy. Ghosted me 2 weeks ago after a minor fall out, blocked then unblocked me and now on Tinder. He did same thing a few yrs ago after I ended things due to his lack of effort and consistency but he texted every few days for over 2 months and I eventually caved. I still love him and hate to think of him with someone else but I'm 50 and know I deserve better. I am in awe of all the strong people on here. I deleted our chat and his contact last night. We never lived together, live 40 miles apart and have no children together or mutual friends I'd meet on a regular basis.

You love the person he showed you in the beginning OP and you may love the person you hoped he would be, but there doesn't sound much about him that deserves love now. Write out a list of bullet points of all the things he has done to you - the ghosting, the blocking, the passiveness, the low energy etc. include a screenshot of his Tinder profile and stick it on the fridge to remind you what an arsehole he turned out to be. You're right that you deserve better. Block him on everything so that he can't text, message or email, and leave yourself free to find someone more worthwhile.

You know, you know, you know he is not your life friend. The universe and you can do so much better. If you can tolerate the loneliness for a season you will come out and have beautiful options. You hearts’ lover will astonish you at times, in good ways. But you have to make room for the good. You have to keep the weeds out. This is the hardest part. You are making a space for a better future and it HURTS but it should. Nothing beautiful arrives from no where. It grows slowly, but relentlessly. You can get through this, everything you need will arrive when required. For now make yourself comfortable and work on making a gentle space in your mind that you can go to alone for relief. I like healing frequencies, jos sticks, very VERY fluffy blankets. Small furry animals. All of it.

you’ll be okay op

Aw thanks DozyCrow..just feeling awful atm

Thanks so much for your kindness. I read others posts here who are going through much worse and marvel at their resolve. Please let that come to me too, he doesn't deserve me.

I agree that what you actually love is who he first pretended to be, you love the dopamine hit every time he throws you a crumb and you love the dream of potential you have in your head.

Love yourself more

You are right, he has all the chat. When we broke up before he was sending fb memories, asking how I was, how my adult kids were. Telling me when he visited his dad in the care home that he was asking about me. He's not a bad man, he was very good to me and my kids in many ways and when something significant popped up he was fab but day to day in a consistent sense he was very self focused. For example he'd drive the significant round trip, 1.45 mins to spend 20 minutes together once off but then would "change" plans to get a night in the pub

He sounds…. Appalling. Really unpleasant.

Did you ever live together?

I bet your kids are glad he’s out of their lives!

We never did no. We live 50 mins apart but his place of work is 5 mins away. He has 3 adult boys who I get on so well with and I have a 25 Yr old son and 21 Yr old daughter. We all get along but my kids hinted before that he was way to low energy for me and too fond of the pub. I love a wee drink but his idea of anything social has to revolve around the pub, preferably his own local. He follows the local football club and a national club too and they are massive priorities of his which usually involve drinking too.

How often would you see him?

But ultimately…. I just can’t imagine being attracted to someone who behaves like this.

He works every other weekend so we actually struggled to get to see each other twice a week even though he works a few minutes from where I live

It took me a long time to realise that when men are genuinely keen, they will cross fire to see you. I think living apart usually extends that period of effort by necessity and the fact it didn't with him speaks volumes.

Let him have his laddish life and you then have the opportunity to meet someone who wants a proper partnership.

Ive never met a man, even my husband of 20+yrs who would cross fire for me apart from my son but yes you're right, I need to meet one of them! Our lives are based in very different geographical areas and we're both independent so I always thought it could be the ideal mix. Time apart, great quality time together but as time went on I seemed to be spending more time at his, working around his work and football schedule. It becomes boring and patience runs out. He sells himself as a community person but I've come to realise that him being a community person translated to attending local events so he could go to the pub after. I know im painting a negative picture here only so i have to be fair and say he has the capacity to be very kind, we had amazing chemistry and in times of crisis he could be great but looking back it was as if a few small good efforts were in contrast to a man wanting someone to fit in round his agenda/schedule the rest of the time and i was guilty of that and don't want to again

It occurs to me @Concerts2026 that even if you did live together, he would still be off on a rather separate life, pursuing his own ( largely pub related) interests and if you weren't willing to tag along, you'd be at home.

Blocking you, unblocking you and then being on Tinder within days of the breakup of a 6 year relationship is also, IMHO, rather performative and in search of a reaction. See also, quite immature.

He may be a decent person, he may have good qualities @Concerts2026 , but do they tally with what you need from a partner, because it doesn't sound like it much.

I agree @Uricon2 I think the dynamic if I moved in would be exactly as you said....join him or sit in his house alone. I also agree that the whole thing reeks of trying to provoke a reaction. Unfortunately I made the mistake of watching his WA yesterday eve and he was on it solid for ages...definitely chatting to someone. I should be repulsed but instead I'm torturing myself thinking about him dating, living his best life 😔

Don’t spend your evening discussing him

you have blocked him

watch a film, see a friend

Thanks, I know you're right but I'm just not finding it that easy today

Op stick his picture to a dartboard and throw a dart really hard every time you think of him 😉
He's not worth the effort or time lovely. Go and find someone who is
🙏💐❤️

Aw @shellyleppard thank you. I keep reminding myself of that. He is no Prince among men so my replacement is not exactly winning. Its tough though as the emotions fog the clarity.

@Concerts2026 you have to grieve a relationship when it ends. Whether it was a good or bad one. Focus on yourself for a while?

I agree @shellyleppard I'd love to just dust myself down and get on with it but matters of the heart don't work like that. We had some great times together, great memories but it felt like hard work on my part a lot of the time. I know doing this is better than going straight to Tinder but it's still not easy and part of me thinks how can he just wipe 6 yrs of memories away and immediately move on to chatting to someone else but i know that's not healthy either.

I'm going to be really truthful with you @Concerts2026 I was widowed young, after 20+ years and if I'm honest, totally honest, it was in the immediate aftermath not as bad as the knawing, awful pain I'd experienced in my youth of someone you still love wandering around out there without you being fine. In the longer term, the grief was much more longlasting, deep and genuine of course.

I'll also quote my old Nan. She often said "The man has not yet been born who is worth one of your tears". She didn't mean bereavement, but dumping situations. It took me a very long time to see she had a point.

Sending hugs @Uricon2 you are one of the people im in awe of. I want to get to be as mentally strong as you are so hopefully I will.

You're strong @Concerts2026 , that is there already, just remember your own worth and the fact that we all have wobbles when emotions are involved. It isn't easy (? possible) to turn them off at will, much as we would like to.

Write a letter to yourself in case you feel tempted to contact him in the future. Lay it all out, how he made you feel. I did that six years ago and never had to open it, thank god. By chance I stumbled on it last month and found it shocking that I ever accepted that treatment. I’ve come a long way and I hope you do too