Parent at end of life - been NC for 10 years

[Bottl]

I wasn't sure which topic to put this in so apologies if it's not the right one.

I had a call today from dsis to let me know that our father is on end of life care.
I've been NC for 10 years (not sure if the reasons are relevant for this post but for a long time I've felt at peace with my decision).
I have no desire to rush to his bedside which probably makes me a heartless bitch.
I need to tell (adult) DS who may well want to go and visit him (he's only seen him once in the 10 years). Do I offer to go with him to support him (it's a 2 hour drive) ? Or let him go and my 2 dsis will be there?
Not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this - maybe just looking for others who've been in this situation

If DS would like to go, I would tell him sooner than later. EOL can be quick. You can go with him and go sit in a cafe nearby.

It really depends on what happened, I won’t go in to details here either but me and DF were very low contact. Like 3 times in 20 years. When the hospital rung me to say he was on EOL, I went. He couldn’t speak very much without really effort but we managed to apologise to each other and just let that go. He passed a day after. I felt like I made my peace with the way he was that day.

If you want to support the DS and drive with him, it doesn't mean you have to go in with him to see your father. You could go get a bite to eat or elsewhere and tell him to call you when he's done.

how old is DS? Have you spoken about your family and the circumstances that led to NC? if he likely to want to see him or is this an opening for you to consider the prospect of saying goodbye in person?

Your not a bitch, I made peace a long time ago that I never want to see my mother ever again, even if she’s end of life I’ve had lots of people use the “o but she’s your mum” “what if something happens to her” comments but I’ve made my peace a long time ago.

Look up the Stately Homes thread there are lots of people who are NC with their parents.

If DS wants to see him then as an adult I’d let him choose and if he chooses he goes by himself and meets his aunt. He should understand why you don’t want to go.

Thanks for the replies.

Typically, DS has come home from work a bit deflated - will give him chance to shake that off and then have a chat.

He's 24 and was fully aware of the initial falling out. I've always said I fully support him having a relationship with his grandad but he's never been particularly bothered (neither has my father).

Thanks, yes, I spent a lot of time on the stately homes threads at the time, trying to process it all.

Whatever you decide to do is fine. It’s very hard OP, be prepared for all the old feelings and memories to come flooding back. Take care of yourself, in fact put yourself first.

Has he indicated that he would like contact?
My worst nightmare is being seriously unwell and having my nc relatives turn up.

No, he hasn't

Then I don’t think you should go.

I wasn't planning to actually visit him, I meant I'd travel there with DS if he wanted to go

I would offer to drive if that’s his decision, fewer young people these days have had a close up experience of someone near death so I think it’s more supportive for you to be with your son if he chooses to visit.

My father never acknowledged me as his daughter, and I only met him once. When he died I then held a ceremony for myself and him and the lost relationship, sent out cards to close friends etc. I found this very powerful and healing. I have since been NC with my mother over several years, and during that time, was at ease with not seeing her again.
Just to say you do what feels right for you, and there are different ways of saying goodbye to complex relationships and grief, which don't need necessarily to be in person. Wishing you all the best OP.

First, it’s fine to have these feelings about your father and many will identify with you on that.

I’m not clear how you get on with your siblings, but what I suggest is that you tell them that you have no particular wish to visit your father, but that you are happy to support them in whatever way they want, including going with them to visit him.

Hi op, this was me many years ago, nc 16 , like you hospital contacted me , i chose not to go, haven't regretted that decision,

Are you in uk, if so this matters, I couldn't understand why hospital got in touch but turns out I was down as his NOK, my parent left know information about his funeral arrangements, why because he was penniless nothing put away, no insurance, nothing, I being on paper as NOK, had the bloody pleasure and cost of his funeral, couldn't refuse even though I didn't have the extra cash, no help from anybody, state pension only which paid for the nursing home,

Am guessing your down as NOK, hopefully your dad might of been more responsible op,

What decision you son makes you'll stand by him, 💐💐💐

Thank you for the replies

I've offered to drive DS - he says he hasn't decided if wants to go but would be ok to drive down by himself. And either one or both of his Aunties will be there. From what he said, I think he's swaying more towards not going.

On paper, the 3 of us sisters get on well but we're all products of a fairly dysfunctional upbringing but neither like to acknowledge or discuss it, especially where our Father's concerned so I don't think either of them would want my support in this situation.

omgblueskys - that sounds absolutely awful for you!!!! Fortunately, it was my dsis who contacted me (he's at home) and I am 100% confident I won't named as his NOK. He's been ill for a couple of years so I imagine things are in place for when the time comes.

I don’t think many people go NC with parents without very good reason. You have your reasons and I’m glad you made peace with it. I’m NC with mine too and I expect a call as mines in his early 80’s and smoked all his life so can’t imagine he’s the epitome of health. I wouldn’t bother, though you could drive DS but don’t feel obliged to go in. People don’t go NC with good decent parents and that speaks volumes.

I was in this situation along with my brother. I went to my mums bedside for her last few days. Didn’t talk to her and not sure she was aware I was there….possibly but she couldn’t talk. My brother chose not to go.

i regret going and the only thing I hope for is that I traumatised her by turning up!

I think maybe ask your ds if he wants to go. If he says yes then take him but don’t feel the need to go in yourself. Edited to add I see you’ve had that discussion and it sounds like he might not go. That’s fine.

i do think you do your grieving at the point of going NC.

You will have no obligation to pay for a funeral even if you're named nok op. That poster could have refused and the deceased would have had a paupers funeral. Or public health funeral I think they're called now. Noone can obligate you to fund their funeral

That is so true! But not that many people (in my world, at least) understand.

I love the honesty of the middle part of your post!!

And I totally agree with your last sentence

That is good to know - seems very unfair to be left with the cost of a funeral of someone you've been estranged from!

I hear you. Lucky them to be in a privileged position to not know what it’s like. Ignorance is bliss. Good luck with whatever you decide but not all parents are good parents