Partner wants to talk after I have emotionally checked out

[amintheotherboat]

Ok so i'll try to keep this brief. Been with partner 21years, we are not married but have 2 children (9 and 12). In last few years things have changed and he has formed a close friendship with a younger colleague. He admitted that he fell for her but told me that he chose me. I have seen evidence to the contrary (she turned him down). However they are still very close and she is referred to as 'part of the family' by him. He wants (lots) of affection from me behind closed doors but none if she is around. He is also often grumpy and takes it out on me and the kids. He is critical of my friends and while he doesn't stop me seeing them he regularly makes sarcastic comments about them and makes me feel awful for wanting to go out with them. If i tell him i am struggling to trust following what happened he says its my fault and its my fault that he fell for her (i was being difficult apparently). He is constantly saying he needs me to work harder to make him feel loved but has also told me in anger that he doesn't care about me.
Recently i have emotionally checked out of the relationship and effectively do not give a 'monkeys' what he thinks if i want to go out. I have started being more assertive and arranging to do stuff by myself. i no longer go along with his plans to 'keep the peace' but help only when it fits around what i want to do. I have felt much happier and think i would be more than happy to continue living like this - being polite, non affectionate with each other and existing in the same space while co-parenting the children.
However, tonight he wants to talk and i am avoiding going home as i dont want to address the elephant in the room and i don't want to fight or make any decisions. I'm worried that i'll either not stand up for myself and revert to the role of people pleaser and be unhappy or i will stand up for myself too much and end up homeless (i have no rights to the property).
Any advice appreciated.

Listen and use neutral language which conveys nothing (really, hmm) until you have time to think about the conversation.

He sounds like a knob. Don't lose yourself again. Stay strong. I'd have left by now. He's lucky you've put up with his ego. Look ahead and try to build a future without him. You deserve better. You're not second best.

Do this

Before leaving

Sounds like the relationship is over and you'd both be better off apart. Living together in these circumstances isn't a happy healthy environment for your children.

Speaking of him, if he'd been caring and ethical, if there'd been problems in the marriage, he'd suggest marriage counseling if no other efforts had worked. And he definitely wouldn't seek a physical affair, nor would he cross relationship boundaries by having, and continue to have, an emotional affair.

There have been relationships which have survived cheating, whether physical or emotional. But that only happens if in this case, he would've cut off all personal contact with his crush and made changes in order to eventually gain the trust of his SO.

Some of your assumptions might be incorrect about what you would or would not be entitled to legally. I'd get the scoop from a legal representative before you just decide to stick it out in a home with an immature, uncaring, dirtbag who tries to gaslight you. You can have a consultation without his knowledge.

I've never heard of a scenario where a judge would allow a mother divorcing to be homeless. Do you work full time? If so and it's not lucrative, maybe this is the time to seek a higher education or training if possible before going your separate ways, while living in another room from him. If you permanently stay, that's keeping your kids in a toxic environment. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

They're not married unfortunately so she's solely at his mercy re his home.

It sounds like perhaps you need to have some relationship counselling to start with, rather than trying to address it between you. This can be a precursor to leaving the relationship, but you don't have to tell him that. You would normally have an individual assessment session each when you can tell the counsellor that. Counselling might help you to at least have some of the conversations you will need to have if you decide to split.

Also get your ducks in a row etc. with regard to protecting your finances.

I'm sorry to say this but I could have written this, and I am now in the process of divorce with my husband. But since we agreed to split things have been a lot more amicable between us.

I hope you manage to find your way through. We're here for support if you need us.

She isn't.

@amintheotherboat Gingerbread can give you guidance about whether you have a case to be able to stay in the home until your children are 18, especially if you contributed to improvements, repairs etc. It is worth finding out where you stand.

Thank you all. That's helpful. I used to think i was stronger than this and that i would never put up with such treatment but I'm so confused about what i want. We had a chat last night. I remained very calm and repeated that i am unhappy and i need time to work out how to be happy. he said he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me but still no effort to change. In my head i think I have made the decision to go, i just cant go through with it and it seems such a massive deal... I'm stood on the edge of the diving board dithering. I'm determined to stop myself turning around and going back but i also cant jump even though i know I'll feel better once i have. I want someone to push me but i need to be able to jump on my own and i haven't yet worked out how i will get that courage to do so. I think it all starts with a plan...but he is clearly panicking and putting me under pressure to go back down the diving board stairs.

Im not sure what i thought i would get out of writing this but it has been helpful writing it down so thank you for being there to listen!

There is no rush to maje a decision. The ball is in your court. Make plans to leave, without telling him. Start saving, looking for alternative places to live, maybe look for a higher paying job etc. Could you move near relatives? Hiw are things with your parents?

Thank you. I have a good job and i can start putting some money aside but it takes a long time! I wouldn't want to move far due to the kids and would want them to stay settled in their schools. My parents are not necessarily emotionally available - put it this way, they dont like to hear about others' struggles - its too hard for them. They are ostriches with heads firmly in the sand! I have started looking at other places - unfortunately places to rent are like hens teeth and buying a house seems like such a massive commitment at this point... I thought about asking for a viewing and just couldn't go through with it.

I agree there is no rush though and i think having the conversations and thinking about alternative futures have lightened the load in my brain. The only rush is his constant neediness for me to return to my previous dutiful role but that's the people pleaser in me wanting to solve his problems and i have to keep reminding myself that i dont need to.

Unpopular opinion?

• You were happy enough with the status quo.
• He is unhappy its not all going his way but doesnt want to pull the trigger / do the heavy lifting.
• He wants you to be the villain despite him attempting to cheat / having an EA / being a scummy man...he voided your marriage as it was, not you..
• he doesnt get to keep making all the decisions

I'd play him at his / men's own game...

By that i mean lots of platitudes and hot chat about change while changing nothing and continuing on and suiting yourself.
when challenged later - Protest you want to stay in the marriage and are "trying". Make flimsy excuses that make little / no sense then say you just want everything to be nice and why do we have to keep talking about this over and over... then disappear for a long shit....😅

Im being facetious but im serious... make the right noises and continue as you are. Let him be the one to end it.

The brutal reality is separation does cause disruption and financial hardship your youngest is approaching secondary...

After all that has happened i would absolutely not be letting this fuckhead push me into an imagined and binary "forced choice" scenario.
Keep your powder dry make your own plans on your own time frame and keep it to yourself.

I'd say the most urgent matter is your housing, you need to secure your independence and future, this man could remove you from his property any time.
Have you saved over the two decades? Can you buy your own home?

yes i could - although would mean a big mortgage for a single person and im not getting any younger.... Its just a massive commitment and frankly terrifying to do this on my own. I am scared to even view the property i spotted that i could afford in case i like it and then have to actually do something - yes i know. Its pathetic and i'm not proud of my current terror at being a 'big girl' 😢

Reframe how you're thinking, it's terrifying to be dependent on an unrelated man for housing. You have zero legal protection, what if the boyfriend died tomorrow?

The man is almost irrelevant now, you'll need to arrange parenting your kids between two houses, but your financial independence and housing is so, so important.

Why would you stay with a man who doesn’t love you, disrespects you, wants someone else and blames you for his straying eyes?

You don’t have to leave immediately. Start looking for a new place to rent, move your salary payment into a solo account, look into moving costs and what you can argue is yours in a split. Slowly extricate yourself until you’re ready to move.

Also load the important stuff into your car - passports, documents, valuables, treasured items.

Imagine the relief of not being beholden to a man who treats you badly. Imagine the pride of your own home arranged exactly as you like it.

This. You need to sort your housing out as priority. Then everything else becomes so much more achievable!

Sorry, no wonder you've checked out, it protects yourself somewhat from his nonsense.
Blaming you for him and another woman? Sorry to insult your partner but he's a prize tosser for that.

While you want to avoid a conversation and making solid plans, can you not imagine how much more peaceful life will be without this selfish man blaming everything on you? That alone is worth considering and worth working towards.

Rearrange the house viewing. If you like it, put an offer in. Jump off that diving board into your new happy future, and move on with your life on your terms. The longer you dither, the less likely you are to do this, and then in another decade, imagine how miserable you will be then. Your children will be embarking on their adult, independent lives and you will be stuck with a gaslighting emotional cheat. Do it!! Please.

Hi there, im the opposite to you in that its my partner who has emotionally checked out. Im currently a very broken person. Im not sure what to do. Have u any tips for me? I wish I could switch off my feelings but its proving very difficult. Noone else involved. More reaching mid life and reassesing things

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You and he should no longer be together.

You would surely not want your kids to have a relationship like this so stop showing them this is still acceptable to you on some level.

People pleading behaviour often comes about from wanting to parent please. You may want to consider therapy re your parents. It’s not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

If you can buy I'd do just that. Rent first if you like but if you can buy than that makes sense. It might be that you could buy the place you rent (if you like it well enough), landlords are keen to offload properties in the present circumstances.

You don't say how old you are but I am guessing 40s. I wouldn't worry about taking on a big mortgage at that age. You can get mortgages at pretty much any age now (RIO mortgages) so don't think you have to pay it off by the time you retire or indeed pay it off at all. Obviously better if you can but you don't need to.

That's sounds awful, how dare he blame you and keep her in your lives, you need to find se strength and anger.
I would try and think of it as a list of things to work through, refuse to think about the emotion behind it, find house, check, seperate bank, check, pack up some clothes, check.
At the end of it you really will be at the end of the diving board and I hope you find it a lot easier to jump if you have everything in place. Good luck

It's a very big change you're contemplating, without much back up from the sound of it. Don't beat yourself up. Try not to focus on the whole picture all of the time, just take little steps - a house viewing doesn't commit you to anything.

You're not on the diving board, you're actually still in the changing rooms thinking about what it might be like on the diving board and scaring yourself!
You've made a start by moving out from under his control. You're going to be fine.