Partner wants to talk after I have emotionally checked out

[amintheotherboat]

Ok so i'll try to keep this brief. Been with partner 21years, we are not married but have 2 children (9 and 12). In last few years things have changed and he has formed a close friendship with a younger colleague. He admitted that he fell for her but told me that he chose me. I have seen evidence to the contrary (she turned him down). However they are still very close and she is referred to as 'part of the family' by him. He wants (lots) of affection from me behind closed doors but none if she is around. He is also often grumpy and takes it out on me and the kids. He is critical of my friends and while he doesn't stop me seeing them he regularly makes sarcastic comments about them and makes me feel awful for wanting to go out with them. If i tell him i am struggling to trust following what happened he says its my fault and its my fault that he fell for her (i was being difficult apparently). He is constantly saying he needs me to work harder to make him feel loved but has also told me in anger that he doesn't care about me.
Recently i have emotionally checked out of the relationship and effectively do not give a 'monkeys' what he thinks if i want to go out. I have started being more assertive and arranging to do stuff by myself. i no longer go along with his plans to 'keep the peace' but help only when it fits around what i want to do. I have felt much happier and think i would be more than happy to continue living like this - being polite, non affectionate with each other and existing in the same space while co-parenting the children.
However, tonight he wants to talk and i am avoiding going home as i dont want to address the elephant in the room and i don't want to fight or make any decisions. I'm worried that i'll either not stand up for myself and revert to the role of people pleaser and be unhappy or i will stand up for myself too much and end up homeless (i have no rights to the property).
Any advice appreciated.

Love this - thank you. yes i suppose i am in the changing room and need to find my way to the diving board, at which point it may not look as high...

Just know that him wanting to stay together is purely because of a financial standpoint. He doesn't want to pay child support nor solely be financially responsible for maintaining a household. He doesn't truly love you, having asked another woman to have an affair.

Yes, less overwhelming to take small steps while you build the strength and confidence to make the big leap. Take him off as a co-user of your bank accounts and credit cards. Talk to a legal rep to get a better picture of what to expect. You don't want to be intimate with him, so if you have an extra room in the house to convert to your own bedroom until you finally leave, I'd do that and explain to him that you need that private space for now. That'll help you to psychologically get used to some emotional distance from him.

I know how sometimes the changing of behavior in a separation can be a slow process. I had to live with my ex-husband a year and a half before the house sold, because he wouldn't sign the divorce papers until the house sold. At first we slept in the same bed, but gradually he moved to the couch.

He's done what he's desired regardless of your feelings. Keep that in mind and don't consider what's best for him. It's all about what's best for yourself and the kids, now. Good luck.