Can a long-term relationship survive a major mismatch in libido?

[dhagan]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We’re both in our 20s, we have one child and I’m currently pregnant with our second.
Our relationship is generally good, but our sex life has been an ongoing problem. My sex drive is much higher than his. He can easily go weeks without sex and seems completely fine with it. Usually nothing happens until I eventually get upset or complain about it. Then he’ll initiate, tell me he’ll make more effort, things improve briefly, and eventually we end up back in exactly the same situation.
This did happen before we had children, although it wasn’t as bad as it is now.
Over the years there always seems to be a reason: he’s stressed with work, he’s tired, we don’t have enough time because of our child.

Something that has also bothered me is that he used to masturbate quite frequently (sometimes every other day), although he says he doesn’t anymore. I struggled to understand how he could have the desire to do that regularly but could go weeks without wanting sex with me.

I’ve realised recently that I don’t think he actually wants our sex life to change very much. He has a naturally low sex drive and seems comfortable with how things are. It feels more like he wants me to stop being unhappy about it rather than genuinely wanting more intimacy himself.

I don’t want him to have sex with me because I’ve complained or because he feels obligated. I want to feel desired by my partner.
This probably comes to a head for me about once a month. The rest of the time we’re getting on with our lives and raising our family, which makes me feel ridiculous for even considering whether this could eventually end our relationship. But when it gets to me, it really gets to me.

I’ve even had the uncomfortable realisation that if I wasn’t pregnant, I think I would have been seriously tempted to cheat. I haven’t cheated and I don’t want to, but the fact I’ve reached the point of thinking that way scares me.
I also think he may propose soon. I love him and don’t want to break up our family over sex, but I’m frightened of getting married knowing that this is probably what our sex life will always be like—or that it could become even less frequent once we have two children.
I don’t expect him to change his natural libido, but I also don’t know whether I can spend the rest of my life suppressing mine.

Has anyone been in a long-term relationship or marriage with a major libido mismatch? Is there actually a realistic compromise where both people are happy, or does one person inevitably end up feeling pressured while the other feels constantly rejected?
I especially want to hear from people who stayed together and made it work, as well as people who eventually separated because of it.

@SnowflakeSmasher86 i think @dhagan like me needs to feel wanted in her relationship and the problem comes when you don't feel like that, it has a horrible affect on your mood, not in a nasty way but you can become a bit off, and sometimes you will create a bit of distance due to the rejection, the problem is that if you try to have that conversation with a partner it can and will usually come down to one thing, "it's because we're not having sex isn't it" which is hurtful because yes and no, it is but it isn't, it's the emotional connection that sex brings that is affecting my mood not the physical side of sex.

My mood is all over the place, i describe it as i'm sometimes quiet and introvert which isn't my personality at all so it's very obvious to others, sometimes you have to put on a brave face to avoid those uncomfortable "what's wrong" conversations.

You're sexually incompatible and that's likely to become an even bigger issue over time. You can't coerce him into sex and he shouldn't have sex he doesn't want to have.

His sexual preferences don't match up with yours. I agree with the poster above who said it's not necessarily a low drive if he's masturbating, especially given you've shamed him about his fetish.

Would you as a couple consider seeing a sex positive qualified therapist?

It was a combination - mental and physical health largely. I also did a very intense job (60-70hrs a week being the norm, and even then I wasn’t switching off). DH and I could have lovely holidays / weekends / evenings, but when it came to sex, I just completely froze. I was very clear and probably over communicated with him around what was going on in my head, so he was endlessly kind and patient (which tbh at times made me feel far worse).
I went through doctors and got absolutely nowhere across various checks. I think what’s changed is really in my own mind and body - I know now I deserve joy and love.

That makes sense, i mean 60/70hrs a week is significant alongside everyday stresses, if i translate that into my life i know for a fact she struggles with mental health/anxiety, also physical health and she probably does the equivalent hours looking after my very demanding children so everything you said resonates with me, thank you for sharing your insights. What changed from your side that made you come back to him so to speak? Now i'm just looking for hope 😏

Reading this it kind of makes sense, the biggest issue is that spontaneous desire is completely out of the question from her side, responsive desire is slightly there on a low level but as i'm 100% respecting her boundaries i'm very careful about how much physical touch i give her as i don't want it to look like i'm pressuring her for intimacy, unlikely to be enough to trigger responsive desire.

I want her to come to me rather than the other way around as i know that would mean she's comfortable with the contact. I know it's unlikely to ever happen but i'm starting to come to terms with it, maybe in a few years time my desire might drop. Failing that i'll have to start finding reasons to curb my desire for her so that i don't fancy it either.

i think you have got bigger problems than just lack of sex , he clearly has different sexual preferences to you ( no offence intended) and have shamed him for that as well. I don’t think your sex life will ever be what you want as you probably both want different things
his sex drive is not necessarily low , but he probably wants a different sex life to yourself

I left the job. As a result, I had more time for my own health and wellbeing including returning to exercises I enjoy. For me, ‘carving out time’ simply didn’t/wouldn’t work as my brain is wired to be full on. I think I always knew my DP was a safe space. Do you have open discussions around what’s going on? Do you have other physical contact?

His libido sounds just fine, he has a fetish, wanks regularly and has sought out contact with another woman. He’s also had this problem in previous relationships so he will be aware of the effect on his partner.

It sounds like he’s quite happy having a sex life that excludes you.

Don’t really have many open discussions about it anymore, like i said the last conversation basically resulted in a put up with it or leave kind of outcome, i’ve kind of accepted that and the ball is in my court i guess, weirdly though there is other physical contact sometimes, quick peck on the lips, hand on the back, cuddles occasionally, there seems to be affection in there but i have no idea whether it’s heartfelt or whether it’s done for security reasons if you know what i mean.

No . Not a happy one

It usually gets worse with age.

My two cents would be the last convo can’t be the final convo. If there are any patterns around when she does reach out (like when she’s calm, or you two have been able to have time) then make more opportunities for that, and unprompted and afterwards maybe make a no stress remark (‘I really liked holding hands on yesterdays walk’). FWIW I don’t think it would have been resolved in my case if DP had decided that that was his lot, and I don’t think I would have been fair if I hadn’t at least tried to have some ongoing discussions, but of course every couple is different.

I can't honestly believe that any marriage has two people with matching libidos 100% of the time. Yet they do survive.
How do people get so worked up about this issue?

I think they must do, given perimenopause kills a significant amount of women’s libido (yes, I know there’s women who don’t experience that or even get a boost, but from what I’ve been told they’re not the overwhelming majority). And given it’s purely biological, there’s little counselling or working on responsive desire can do about it. Yet couples can and do stay together.

That said, it’s one thing to be facing a mismatch in middle age and quite another in your twenties, when you should be making the most of this sort of thing! If he isn’t interested in looking into it, that should be your reason to leave as much as anything else.

I think the small gestures tend to come when she’s feeling less stressed so mood definitely plays a part, weirdly though, the more effort i put in the less responsive she gets, it’s only really when i’m a bit quiet and subdued and she can see i’m not right that she seems to respond which makes me think, is it genuinely because she’s worried and she cares, or is it because she fears i’ll give up and her lifestyle will change.