Can a long-term relationship survive a major mismatch in libido?

[dhagan]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We’re both in our 20s, we have one child and I’m currently pregnant with our second.
Our relationship is generally good, but our sex life has been an ongoing problem. My sex drive is much higher than his. He can easily go weeks without sex and seems completely fine with it. Usually nothing happens until I eventually get upset or complain about it. Then he’ll initiate, tell me he’ll make more effort, things improve briefly, and eventually we end up back in exactly the same situation.
This did happen before we had children, although it wasn’t as bad as it is now.
Over the years there always seems to be a reason: he’s stressed with work, he’s tired, we don’t have enough time because of our child.

Something that has also bothered me is that he used to masturbate quite frequently (sometimes every other day), although he says he doesn’t anymore. I struggled to understand how he could have the desire to do that regularly but could go weeks without wanting sex with me.

I’ve realised recently that I don’t think he actually wants our sex life to change very much. He has a naturally low sex drive and seems comfortable with how things are. It feels more like he wants me to stop being unhappy about it rather than genuinely wanting more intimacy himself.

I don’t want him to have sex with me because I’ve complained or because he feels obligated. I want to feel desired by my partner.
This probably comes to a head for me about once a month. The rest of the time we’re getting on with our lives and raising our family, which makes me feel ridiculous for even considering whether this could eventually end our relationship. But when it gets to me, it really gets to me.

I’ve even had the uncomfortable realisation that if I wasn’t pregnant, I think I would have been seriously tempted to cheat. I haven’t cheated and I don’t want to, but the fact I’ve reached the point of thinking that way scares me.
I also think he may propose soon. I love him and don’t want to break up our family over sex, but I’m frightened of getting married knowing that this is probably what our sex life will always be like—or that it could become even less frequent once we have two children.
I don’t expect him to change his natural libido, but I also don’t know whether I can spend the rest of my life suppressing mine.

Has anyone been in a long-term relationship or marriage with a major libido mismatch? Is there actually a realistic compromise where both people are happy, or does one person inevitably end up feeling pressured while the other feels constantly rejected?
I especially want to hear from people who stayed together and made it work, as well as people who eventually separated because of it.

I agree. It does bother me a lot but I don’t think leaving when I’m about to give birth in 2 months is smart and he’s a great support. I’ve been off with him today. I don’t think I even want to bring up why because it always feels like I’m nagging about it. Do I say how I feel or just leave it and act fine tomorrow? Also thank you for your advice

I was with a man for a few months who didn’t really want sex and wasn’t affectionate. Otherwise perfect. I regret it deeply.

another ex of mine blatantly didn’t fancy me, would only have sex from behind, wouldn’t get me naked or touch me in any way… but had a porn addiction. Ruined my self esteem. So glad that’s over.

if he’s otherwise perfect and you can compromise then do that. It’s unlikely to improve.

Sorry you went through that. I think that’s what also makes it hard, he is extremely affectionate. Hugs and kisses me all the time but that seems to be enough for him, I’ve explained to him that’s nice but I want that intimate feeling too. If I’m being brutally honest with myself I feel like I could be capable of cheating if things carried on this way for years.

A major mismatch is pretty hard to navigate because the compromise is unlikely to make either party happy. Some mismatch can be worked through if you can find a compromise where the higher libido partner feels satisfied and the lower libido partner doesn’t feel like they’re having sex when they don’t really want to.

Mutual massages ? In the evening at the weekend when little one is asleep, see if it stirs him. There is a difference between spontaneous drive and drive, this way the opportunity is there without you having to ask / nag etc

Yeah he knows... it's not ideal for either of us, I have to have sex I don't really want, he doesn't get it often enough or enthusiastically enough. But everything else in our marriage and life isn't worth blowing up over sex, so we muddle along

I’m in a similar situation but i’m 5 years without any kind of initiation or desire from my wife, my labido is off the scale but for more than one genuine reason hers is zero, everything else about the relationship is great, so like you i’m still trying to decide whether i can suppress my desire as well, and i have also had thoughts about feeling wanted by someone else but is the grass really greener? Is sex or the lack of it worth blowing up a family for?

I wouldn’t cheat on her, i would end it amicably first, but i’m trying to decide whether i’m just being used as a facilitator/provider or whether she genuinely loves me and fancies me like she says she does, i struggle to understand why someone who says they love you and fancies you wouldn’t want to touch you from time to time.

I don’t doubt that there are some couples out there with mismatched labidos that are really happy but the feeling of rejection is bound to get you at some point, it’s not a nice feeling! i hope you manage to figure something out as you have a lot of life ahead of you.

From the original post it sounds like it's not enforced celibacy, but that she has to initiate, which makes her feel less desired (not unreasonably so)

Only OP can decide if this is a deal breaker for her, but I do think this is meaningfully different from celibacy.

Counselling.

It’s really difficult isn’t it. Because if everything else is fairly okay it seems unreasonable to blow up your lives over sex but then it is such an important part. I’m glad to hear your the type of man that wouldn’t step out of the relationship and I respect you for that because it can be hard when you don’t feel satisfied and it can take over. The fact he’s a man also and it’s usually the other way round for men and woman just surprises me all the time

No, i don't want someone else. I suppose i've got used to it now and given up. But it has been the biggest cause of arguments in our marriage. There is no touching at all ever.

Mine did. I didn’t want sex for about 6 years during my 30/40s. I communicated a lot to dp that I found him attractive and loved him, but I just couldn’t have sex. We cuddled, kissed, held hands, etc. I know he found it very difficult but we always were honest about what we wanted (or didn’t), and why. We are now on the other side of it.

You're spot on really, if the rest of the relationship was sketchy there would be some justification for blowing it up over something so seemingly trivial, however sex is an important part of any relationship, all be it a very small part, as it's kind of the confirmation that the other person see's you in a certain way, more than a friend if you like, and it shows they want you emotionally.

I do also find it hard to believe that a man would be the one that doesn't want it unless there was a medical reason but i guess low labido can occur in anyone.

I think what triggered me into thinking about it more deeply was the coldness of the response i got when i tried to discuss it, it wasn't a sympathetic conversation where we discussed ideas about how we might compromise or anything even similar, it was very much a conversation that began and ended with you can either stay and get used to it or if that's what you want then you'll have to leave. I mean it's factual which i like, and i wouldn't want an open relationship but it's also a very final response...

I really wasn't prepared for that (and remember what we said about the rest of the relationship being spot on) this really made me question whether i'm actually disposable.

This is interesting, i'm not asking for a counselling session but what you're saying is kind of whats going on with me and my wife, she communicates it a lot, she still hand holds and occasionally will put a hand on my back etc but she just doesn't want intimacy.

There are so many things that i think would stop a woman feeling sexy and in the mood, kids, life stress, hormonal changes, medical issues being just a few of them but i just wondered whether you where able to shed any light on whether there was anything you could put your finger on that would have explained why you didn't feel like having sex with someone you found attractive and loved.

It's not a criticism but it's the one question going round my head that just doesn't seem to have an answer, why would someone not want to be intimate with someone they love and find attractive. Maybe there is no real answer to the question but i thought i'd keep searching for one.

The best analogy I found for this is - I don't like potatoes. There's no reason for it, everyone likes potatoes, they're good for you, they're tasty, there's so many different ways to eat them, surely there's something I would like enjoy. But I don't. I can eat them if I absolutely have to, but I don't ever feel like eating potatoes. I won't choose to eat potatoes if there are any other options.

There's something else going on here, a man that masturbates regularly, has a foot fetish, and texts other women he meets online doesn't have a low libido.

You say that the texting another woman is dealt with, is it? What is it about the lack of sexual interest and instigation from him that is so painful for you right now?

The addition of another baby isn't likely to improve your sex life in the short to medium term, I think you need to accept that for starters.

You're in a vulnerable position, you're about to give birth and while blowing up your life over your sex life isn't out of the question, you do currently need to be practical. Consider whether getting married will affect your financial situation negatively, ie do you own more assets than he does, or positively, will it provide you with more protection than cohabiting if you do split?

Maybe look into the research around responsive desire and spontaneous desire, that might help to shed some light on it.

What if you used to love potatoes? Really love potatoes. Just to put a spin on things.

Thanks i will do some reading.

Whatever else is going on here, you being “off with him” because you’re not getting sex is awful. Sulking when your partner doesn’t want sex is a pretty shitty and abusive way to behave, so first things first, please stop doing that.

Secondly how are things outside the bedroom? Do you kiss him, hug him? Look at him adoringly and let him know how attractive he is, tell him he looks good in that shirt etc?

Just thinking of all the things I do that inadvertently let my partner know that I fancy him and would enjoy sex with him. Sometimes he will say “ah you’re looking at me like you really love me!” which of course I do. When we kiss I’ll put my hands up his shirt or on his thigh. Then sex happens spontaneously without anyone having to ask or reject, it’s just a natural consequence of being loving and intimate. What are you doing to make him feel wanted and attractive to you?

Why do you find it so hard to believe it could be a man that doesn't want sex?

I think it's probably a pre-conception that all men are like rabid animals, i think generally in life you probably connect with an extremely small percentage of the worlds population and i don't think i've ever had man friends that didn't continuously talk about sex or women, i don't doubt that it's a numbers game though, so i'm sure there are equal numbers of men that just aren't interested, i just have met any.

On his behalf I would say because the first time we met we had sex, he practically jumped on me. I didn’t think libido would be an issue considering that. Also because I haven’t had this issue with anyone in the past

I’m not being off with him because he’s not giving me sex. I’m feeling off because I’m having to doubt the future of our relationship because of it.
Were both very affectionate we hug and kiss all the time but it seems that’s enough to satisfy him but not myself

It is difficult to have a large mis match in libido. Seriously if anyone isn't in a relationship with kids now end it because long term there way to much misery to make it work.

If kids involved or something else that is committal then some difficult conversations about bridging the gap needs to happen. Sex toys can help in this situation but that is more physical stimulation and the mental side of someone not wanting and needing you sexually can be very frustrating or hurtful.

You can make it work but long term the least hard work and least frustrating outcome is to hope your libido goes down with age/parental tiredness/stress etc