Talking about s*x life with ex-wife?

[anq]

I am in a fairly newish relationship. Both been married before and divorced. His more recent than mine but still a decent amount of time.

We’ve spoken in general terms re what went wrong in marriages, for me lack of intimacy and some other things and he has said similar issues. I don’t mind talking in general terms as I think it’s good to get an idea of whether we would be compatible and what the other person is looking for in a relationship…

However I feel like sometimes he goes into too much detail regarding intimate things with ex-wife. Like I am aware of positions, frequency… he even managed to drop in that the first time he told her he loved her was during sex. I would say this was a little my fault as I was telling what I thought was a funny story after a good friend contacted me to say her new man had done that (said I love you during sex) and she was taken aback and didn’t know what to do and felt awkward.

But this was after already having a conversation with him about the level of detail he is giving me re the past sex life with her.

I completely accept he had a life before me, loved, had sex etc. but I just don’t feel comfortable with the level of detail about intimacy and I feel it’s putting a dampener on things as I am trying to make my own memories and special moments with him and I don’t want these images in my head to compare!

We are exclusive and both have said we have feelings for each other but no I love yous yet.

Not sure if I am being jealous and insecure or if it’s a red flag from him but I do feel uncomfortable. Any advice appreciated.

Gross just gross
and disrespectful to his ex and you

How can you carry on seeing him? Seriously.

Well I am trying to figure that out.

It isn’t constantly but it comes up. Say in a conversation where he’s being nice like, “the sex I have with you is the best I’ve ever had, with the ex wife it was just x position y position, you finish, I finish, done”… another conversation “my ex wife didn’t like oral”…. “My ex wife didn’t like x position like you do”… things like that.

I am a bit annoyed that I spoke to him about it and he completely agreed with me that it shouldn’t be brought up anymore and then he’s done it again.

Makes me think he’s not over it.

But also I am questioning if I am just insecure! Hence asking for opinions.

I'm wife #2, been married for over 20 years to DH and literally know nothing about his sex life with wife #1.

Sorry OP, that isn't normal, kind of wonder if he isn't really over her.

I have no idea whether you’re insecure

but your standards for a relationship are pretty low for you to have carried on with this.

He sounds a thought less and utterly disrespectful

Does he call her ‘my wife’ not my ex? Thats tells you all you need to know.

Oh my ex did this all the time. I called off the wedding. He’s not a keeper OP.

So disrespectful - to you and to her.
He hasn't listened to you when you told him you didn't like this and it is affecting you negatively.
Honestly OP i think you woukd be better off ending the relationship.

No never refers to her as wife, only ex-wife

That’s how I feel, very disrespectful and the fact he didn’t listen after we already had one conversation about it.

He has apologised and said it won’t happen again, said he’s upset he’s upset me, ruined things etc.

I need to have a good think because being honest it’s affected me a lot and has put me off seeing him. We have plans this weekend and it’s made me feel like I can’t be bothered.

Unless this was a very hot fwb scenario that I was keeping short term, I would shut up shop if I got this level of oversharing that showed me I’m on a side by side comparison chart with The Only Physically Absent Woman. Libido kill. Until he can have his mind, knob, and heart present to you, I’d not be feeling it. Byeee.

I am a 2nd wife, I had a previous long relationship before I married my husband, we have been together for decades now.

NEVER have I or my husband mentioned anything about our previous sex lives...they are gone and forgotten.

Like someone else said, it's not only disrespectful to you, it's also disrespectful to his ex wife.
It sounds like she is still on his mind a lot tbh.

Not for me. Bin!
I'm the first one to say I like talking about sex but not about someone. Totally disrespectful.
If you have sex will he be telling his mates down the pub?

That’s deeply disrespectful to both you and her. There’s no way I’d discuss my previous sex life with a new partner.
Especially as some were really good so that wouldn’t land well!
Why would you even be thinking about sex with an ex when you’re with someone new?
This mentionitus suggests he’s not over her, otherwise why would it matter.
I’d be leaving someone this indiscreet before he has enough content on you to talk to the next one about.

This is how I feel.

I had a great sex life in another serious relationship (not my marriage). The first I love you’s etc were very romantic and magical (not during sex btw).

Sex with new man is good but not really a patch on that.

I just wouldn’t mention it even if something that reminded me of it or was relevant to it came up in conversation. But it seems like any little thing that triggers a memory or he can relate to their sex life he does.

If sex with a new man isn't a patch on what you have had in the past, why settle for that?

Oh tell him to do one. Who needs that in their life.

I’d end a relationship like this. I’d be assuming that if we broke up, I’d be talked about in the same way to his next girlfriend.

Exactly
he’s probably going into this level of detail with work colleagues, mates down the pub

ditch and move on

This wouldn’t be something I would be interested in pursuing. Men who can’t keep quiet about the ex would be back like a shot if you would have them.

Telling a new partner that they first told the ex he loved her during sex is WILD 😭

Awful on every level. I would both feel that I was intruding on the ex-wife and that I would be discussed in a similar way at some point in the future.

When I met my DH decades ago, he was older and more experienced than me. He was my first relationship and I, being v immature, asked him a question. Can’t recall what it was. Anyway he made it clear that he would never talk about sex with an ex. An excellent position imo. And we’ve never spoken about it. Maybe have that conversation and if he doesn’t respect, it’s time to reconsider?

Do you think it’s wild?

Cause I found it so upsetting/offputting but I couldn’t decide if I was overreacting.

It’s so bad it’s almost unbelievable. It’s like WHY would someone say that 😅 it’s so so bad.