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Is this controlling behaviour in my marriage, and should I leave?

31 replies

Cakebear · 04/09/2026 22:29

I’m after some advice regarding my relationship with my husband. We have been together for around 13 years and have 4 children together. We own a house and both work with him being the breadwinner.
Over the years I have noticed that his behaviour and actions can sometimes not be very nice and I seem to always hide his actions from others. He is very snappy and short tempered with the kids. But around others, it come across like he is a very nice guy and has a laugh and a joke.
over the summer, I have been debating if I should leave.
I worry because he is very jealous, he says things like, you carry on doing whatever you’re doing on your phone talking to whoever you’re talking to. He always gets jealous about the people that i work with. Constantly telling me to quit my job. He says things like if we weren’t together no one will be stepping foot in this house especially another man. Things like you feed the kids shit food (I cook a homemade meal most nights, I may throw some ready made pasta for them one day a week). He had a week off and said that if he wasn’t low I would make him suicidal. Never wants to go on holiday abroad, but won’t let me and the kids go without him. He is very very close to his mum and sister and won’t say anything bad about them but is fine to slate my family. He has previously said that I am nothing without him and that he made me. He gets mad if I go to the works Xmas do, or anything like that. But is fine if I’m with a group of girls. He sees the worst in everyone and everything is worst case scenario. There are lots of different things that have gone on but I’m wondering if this is normal. As well as he gets on with the kids, he can be mean, and like I said snappy. He will give them a very horrible look with his eyes, shout or tell them to shut up, makes them cry and is very cruel about others and can be very judgmental. He will help others and do things for them and is very loyal. Im not sure what I'm asking, I just need some advice.

OP posts:
withoutapaddl · 04/09/2026 22:32

Leave.

Let your children see that this behaviour is not ok and that you leave when someone behaves like this.

He’s abusive and sounds like a narcissist.

You will be MORE without him, not nothing. I promise it feels so much better when you start to heal on the other side.

The very fact that you’ve considered it, means you know.

RandomMess · 04/09/2026 22:33

He sounds awful tbh have you read
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

I’m sure you will find him in there and wake up and realise he is being abusive.

Dryshampoofordays · 04/09/2026 22:36

Protect yourself and your children from his abuse. Leave him and be free and safe.

And he’s most likely paranoid about you cheating because he’s an untrustworthy, disrespectful shitbag who probably has or is cheating on you.

Notbuiltforheat · 04/09/2026 22:36

Leave. And consider how you ended up with this prince.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2026 22:37

I would plan my exiting this marriage because of the abuse he metes out to you. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he metes out to you is a continuous one.

Show your children properly the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You need legal advice on all aspects of separating to him also because he will fight dirty here to keep you where you are. Women’s Aid are also worth contacting.

Notbuiltforheat · 04/09/2026 22:37

Op is he violent or does he threaten you? Think things through very carefully.

Cakebear · 04/09/2026 22:44

He is not violent and has not threatened me. He can be very nice and will do anything for any of his family or friends. From everyone else’s point on view he is a very nice person and I know that he does love me and the kids very much.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 04/09/2026 22:48

This is not a good relationship. He won't change so you have to. Start making plans to leave.

DogAnxiety · 04/09/2026 22:49

The “good qualities” you have set out are the absolute bare minimum in an adult human.

You are unfortunately with an abuser. The great thing is that you already see it and can get out.

DogAnxiety · 04/09/2026 22:58

Also, I would like to respond to your individual points:

Violence is not always physical. He has made threats to you, therefore he is an abuser and gets off on lording his power over you.

He can be very nice to family and friends: yes- they do that. It helps preserve the veneer.

From everyone else’s perspective he is a good guy: so what? Harold Shipman was a good guy according to many who knew him. Jimmy Saville. They are extreme examples but “esteemed by others” is not a good benchmark. It can also make it harder to leave. As you may fear others will think you are making it up or will side with your partner. The truth is, some will, BUT these are low value people who you don’t need in your life.

Good husbands and fathers dont seek to control and dominate the mother of their children. Ther is nothing good about training the next generation of kids to be subjugated by these dropkick guys.

Ubugly · 04/09/2026 22:58

Most people who bang on about people being untrustworthy are cheats themselves.

He sounds like the only person he loves is himself. Why would you treat anyone you love the way he treats you all?

Talking from experience, a mean father causes life long issues. Leave.

AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder · 04/09/2026 23:06

He’s seriously abusive to you and your children.

Mmhmmn · 04/09/2026 23:27

Mother’s boys often turn out to be like this toward their partner/gf/wife. It’s connected. I don’t know why/how. But you have every reason to leave. He is an utter arsehole towards tou and life is too, too short.

vinhoepimenta · 04/09/2026 23:28

Yes he’s controlling.

FFSItsTooHot · 04/09/2026 23:30

Christ almighty. He sounds absolutely awful. Seriously,I don't know how you stay with him.

madeindevon2 · 04/09/2026 23:30

It will likely only get worse

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 04/09/2026 23:50

If you are having to ask "is how he behaves reasonable?" then it probably isn't.

Telling you to quit your job is an attempt at financial abuse. It's a lot harder to leave if you don't have your own money.

The attempts to isolate you from family and friends are also forms of abuse.

Leave as soon as you can. Start making your plans and gathering your documents now. But don't let him know.

whippersnapper55 · 04/09/2026 23:52

He's controlling and abusive. Yes, you should leave.

TheSandgroper · 04/09/2026 23:57

Cakebear · 04/09/2026 22:44

He is not violent and has not threatened me. He can be very nice and will do anything for any of his family or friends. From everyone else’s point on view he is a very nice person and I know that he does love me and the kids very much.

Edited

If this is your idea of “he loves me very much” you really need to go away and learn to love yourself, live with yourself and learn to be self sufficient.

He doesn’t love you. He loves the feeling he feels when you are unhappy. It’s his addiction and he can get a high whenever he wants to. He has no interest in you at all.

That’s not love.

Smilfy · 05/09/2026 00:21

Leave. He sounds almost identical to my nasty exhusband. That escalated and escalated to a dark place.
dont wait for that to happen

RosaMundi27 · 05/09/2026 00:34

"he does love me and the kids very much"
No, he doesn't love you, he mistreats and belittles you, I'm assuming in front of the children too.
If he really loved you - you would be living an entirely different life to the one you live now. You know it deep down.
If you can't do it for yourself, leave for the sake of your children. Men like this never, ever get any better and frequently escalate.

Cakebear · 05/09/2026 08:15

Thank you all for your messages it’s been really nice and supportive to hear back from everyone.
I guess for me it is so hard to see that he isn’t a very nice person because despite all the above he can be very nice, he buys me flowers and plays with the kids. I’m just worried that the kids will hate me if I do leave as they do love their dad. And I’m worried about starting over, what happens with the house, what happens with all the kids belongings, will uprooting the kids affect their schooling and their behaviour. So many unknowns which makes leaving so much tougher.

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 05/09/2026 08:18

He is controlling, which is abusive, only you can decide what to do. But don’t waste your life being unhappy, you only get one life.

Girlwithavibe · 06/09/2026 11:50

Cakebear · 04/09/2026 22:29

I’m after some advice regarding my relationship with my husband. We have been together for around 13 years and have 4 children together. We own a house and both work with him being the breadwinner.
Over the years I have noticed that his behaviour and actions can sometimes not be very nice and I seem to always hide his actions from others. He is very snappy and short tempered with the kids. But around others, it come across like he is a very nice guy and has a laugh and a joke.
over the summer, I have been debating if I should leave.
I worry because he is very jealous, he says things like, you carry on doing whatever you’re doing on your phone talking to whoever you’re talking to. He always gets jealous about the people that i work with. Constantly telling me to quit my job. He says things like if we weren’t together no one will be stepping foot in this house especially another man. Things like you feed the kids shit food (I cook a homemade meal most nights, I may throw some ready made pasta for them one day a week). He had a week off and said that if he wasn’t low I would make him suicidal. Never wants to go on holiday abroad, but won’t let me and the kids go without him. He is very very close to his mum and sister and won’t say anything bad about them but is fine to slate my family. He has previously said that I am nothing without him and that he made me. He gets mad if I go to the works Xmas do, or anything like that. But is fine if I’m with a group of girls. He sees the worst in everyone and everything is worst case scenario. There are lots of different things that have gone on but I’m wondering if this is normal. As well as he gets on with the kids, he can be mean, and like I said snappy. He will give them a very horrible look with his eyes, shout or tell them to shut up, makes them cry and is very cruel about others and can be very judgmental. He will help others and do things for them and is very loyal. Im not sure what I'm asking, I just need some advice.

He's an abusive arsehole wtf is it with all these threads recently it's absolutely shocking the rise in abusive relationships?
What are parents teaching their kids ?
You need to plan carefully a way out this is NOT normal get in contact with woman's aid and stay safe as u leave x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2026 12:32

He thinks he can buy you off with apology flowers but those are really anything but. If he did love you he would

You have a choice when it comes to him
and your children do not. Make choices with you and they in mind now, not him. He wants to keep you in a gilded cage.