Is this controlling behaviour in my marriage, and should I leave?

[Cakebear]

I’m after some advice regarding my relationship with my husband. We have been together for around 13 years and have 4 children together. We own a house and both work with him being the breadwinner.
Over the years I have noticed that his behaviour and actions can sometimes not be very nice and I seem to always hide his actions from others. He is very snappy and short tempered with the kids. But around others, it come across like he is a very nice guy and has a laugh and a joke.
over the summer, I have been debating if I should leave.
I worry because he is very jealous, he says things like, you carry on doing whatever you’re doing on your phone talking to whoever you’re talking to. He always gets jealous about the people that i work with. Constantly telling me to quit my job. He says things like if we weren’t together no one will be stepping foot in this house especially another man. Things like you feed the kids shit food (I cook a homemade meal most nights, I may throw some ready made pasta for them one day a week). He had a week off and said that if he wasn’t low I would make him suicidal. Never wants to go on holiday abroad, but won’t let me and the kids go without him. He is very very close to his mum and sister and won’t say anything bad about them but is fine to slate my family. He has previously said that I am nothing without him and that he made me. He gets mad if I go to the works Xmas do, or anything like that. But is fine if I’m with a group of girls. He sees the worst in everyone and everything is worst case scenario. There are lots of different things that have gone on but I’m wondering if this is normal. As well as he gets on with the kids, he can be mean, and like I said snappy. He will give them a very horrible look with his eyes, shout or tell them to shut up, makes them cry and is very cruel about others and can be very judgmental. He will help others and do things for them and is very loyal. Im not sure what I'm asking, I just need some advice.

If he did love you he would not abuse you and give the kids emotionally harmful mixed messages by being “nice” to them whilst treating you very badly.

How do you know he loves you and the kids very much?. Nothing you’ve written re him has given any credence to that false belief of yours.

Street angel, house devil is a good description of your h op. And like practically all abusers your man is quite plausible to those in the outside world.

He may play with the kids but that is the barest of bare minimums. He also shouts at them and can cut them down with a look. Your children do not love their dad as much as fear him. And remaining with him keeps you complicit. I can imagine they are all very quiet and or otherwise subservient towards him
when he is around.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway it split from him. Your kids will thank you for doing that, not hard you. They need to be taught properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

My husband was similar and I can understand your reluctance to leave. He will make it his mission in life to make separation/sharing the children as awful as possible for you. Your husband has very low self esteem. You could tell him how you feel and ask if he is willing to go to counselling. If he refuses, play a very long game of getting yourself mentally strong enough to separate. Resilience, endurance. Yes my children suffered from the split, but that was on him. He told me I’d be nothing without him. If you could see me now and hear the tales from his second failed marriage…

Abuse does not have to be violence or the threat of violence. Controlling behaviour or continued insults, belittling etc are also abusive. Your dc are growing up in a home where they will learn that this sort of thing is normal in a relationship.

Sorry OP but he doesn’t love you or the kids. I hope you find the strength to leave.

He's controlling and abusive and it sounds like he does have the potential for physical violence. He's already emotionally violent to you and the kids.

Do you think normal spouses talk about how their spouse makes them suicidal? That's emotional violence. Or accuse their spouses of cheating? That's a control mechanism to keep you on the defensive. Or makes their kids cry? More emotional violence.

He buys you flowers, that's the reconciliation and honeymoon or calm part of the abuse cycle you're in. And you and your kids are in it.

Why Does He Do That is available as a free PDF online. I would suggest you start using private browsing for research and this thread.

Contact your domestic abuse hotlines for advice. If you plan to leave, I don't think this guy will be safe.

A previous poster advised joint counseling. Do NOT go to counseling or therapy with an abusive partner. They will not be honest, you will be afraid he will use what you say against you, and it gives him things to use against you if you are honest.