Is this so hard to understand?

[Scuttlecat]

DH and I have been together 20 years, 2 kids (teenagers). Our sex life has been off the boil for a long time due to his seeming disinterest - max for a long time was once a month then it fell off a cliff a few years ago. We've had counselling for other issues which has helped us communicate better and find our way back to each other, but the sex issue remains a problem.

One of my biggest issues is that even though I would like sex more often, I get that he has a lower drive than me, but his 'settings' seem to be in the mood for sex (very rarely) or acting like colleagues/housemates/siblings. Having absolutely no sexual contact or interaction for a month or so means I'm not exactly 'ready to go' when he is in the mood. I've said endless times that I'd really like more non-sex - kissing, stroking, flirtation or whatever - to keep the sexual connection between us even if he isn't in the mood for actual sex very often. But despite going through this cycle many times and me trying to get my feelings understood it hasn't changed anything at all.

It's got to the point where I feel like an occasional wank sock and it's really put a barrier in the way of us resolving this. Is it really so unusual to want your husband to see you as a sexual being and to have a regular non-sex connection, even if he does have a low drive? If he's not in the mood for sex should I not expect him to be in the mood for anything at all? I'd be interested to know what people's 'non-sex' life looks like - is it sex or nothing or it's it normal to have a regular physical connection even when things have gone off the boil?

We're in our 50s, so similar ages please rather than horny 20 somethings 😄

Thanks

It sounds like your relationship lacks intimacy generally. Do you sit together, hold hands, kiss ect?

Yes, but it went off the boil after kids and continued downhill from there

Do you have date nights?

Yes we get on very well and have fun together. It's just the physical intimacy is missing

Well not really, it's always been decent when we do it. Just less frequent and less physical connection

It doesn’t even seem like a sexual thing, it’s romantic. Without romance, it’s platonic. I couldn’t continue in a relationship devoid of any affection or romance

Do you try to do the more touching things, give a cuddle or a quick kiss, etc.

Or, if he does kiss and touch do you expect it to lead to sex and get irritated if it doesn’t?

There is definitely affection. But you can be affectionate with your kids, friends, family, etc. What I mean is the things that are exclusive to a relationship

Maybe I'm not getting my point across well which it's the problem.

No not at all. We are regularly affectionate.

Appreciate the input. Going to be out of contact for a couple of hours

Ok, to me there's kissing and kissing. A peck in the cheek when you leave for work is different to a smooch with a partner you fancy. I hug my dad, snuggle up with the kids - that's what I see as affection and we have that, but I want more from a partner that you don't get from other relationships

My question was is it so weird, and I'm getting the feeling it is!

I dont think its weird at all. You want intimacy and a sex life. Thats not unreasonable. The thing is its not unreasonable that he doesnt want it either. It sounds like your drives are mismatched. Although, the first thing I'd be asking my partner to do in this case is to talk to the GP because medication, certain illnesses and hormonal changes can cause low sex drive. Its worth making sure there isn't a medical cause. After that you need to consider what you can live with. I wouldnt want a sexless marriage but I also wouldnt want to have sex that my partner didn't want either. I think I'd feel lonely and have to weigh up if I want to continue the relationship or not.

Most of these replies have been deleted so god knows what some troll was saying to you but it is absolutely not weird to want a sexual connection with your partner! That is the only person with whom you’re allowed a connection and to be touched, kissed, complimented, stroked etc by a partner even between actual intercourse is what keeps the spark alive!

I'm not sure why so many deletions - they were robust probing but not really offensive. Maybe they were causing trouble elsewhere on the boards and all their posts got pulled.

I should have been clearer that we are affectionate and get on well but there is a real gap in what I consider to be 'exclusive to relationships but not sex'. And that's what I want more of but can't seem to say or do anything that changes things. So I wanted to understand whether I was expecting too much or there is a real and normal piece missing

Not much clearer tbh so would appreciate further opinions

Bumping for weekend traffic...

Are you asking what others do in bed apart from PIV sex?

I think a lot of men do find intimacy like hugs and kisses difficult to separate from leading to sex. In their mind they are often inherently linked.
I guess you should see a relationship counselor. If you really think it's worth trying to save.