Is this so hard to understand?

[Scuttlecat]

DH and I have been together 20 years, 2 kids (teenagers). Our sex life has been off the boil for a long time due to his seeming disinterest - max for a long time was once a month then it fell off a cliff a few years ago. We've had counselling for other issues which has helped us communicate better and find our way back to each other, but the sex issue remains a problem.

One of my biggest issues is that even though I would like sex more often, I get that he has a lower drive than me, but his 'settings' seem to be in the mood for sex (very rarely) or acting like colleagues/housemates/siblings. Having absolutely no sexual contact or interaction for a month or so means I'm not exactly 'ready to go' when he is in the mood. I've said endless times that I'd really like more non-sex - kissing, stroking, flirtation or whatever - to keep the sexual connection between us even if he isn't in the mood for actual sex very often. But despite going through this cycle many times and me trying to get my feelings understood it hasn't changed anything at all.

It's got to the point where I feel like an occasional wank sock and it's really put a barrier in the way of us resolving this. Is it really so unusual to want your husband to see you as a sexual being and to have a regular non-sex connection, even if he does have a low drive? If he's not in the mood for sex should I not expect him to be in the mood for anything at all? I'd be interested to know what people's 'non-sex' life looks like - is it sex or nothing or it's it normal to have a regular physical connection even when things have gone off the boil?

We're in our 50s, so similar ages please rather than horny 20 somethings 😄

Thanks

No, not in bed, but as part of your normal day/ life together. What does intimacy look like apart from the having sex part?

Just out of interest do you get flirtatious and sexy with him durng the day? Send enticing text messages or a intimate touch whilst passing him for example

I guess talking about private thoughts, fears etc. Supporting one another through life. And planning stuff together, doing things other people might not enjoy (we like to explore the city and talk about buildings), cooking things the other person likes, giving thoughtful gifts, sharing funny stories, watching TV and discussing/critiquing it, sitting about half-dressed for comfort... Just being more open than we would be with others.

No, but this is the kind of thing I mean - I would like more of to keep a sexual spark but he doesn't participate in it at all. Which is my question really - is that kind of thing so unusual in a relationship, are my expectations unusually high?

This is an interesting view point. I see that as emotional intimacy, which we certainly have more of than sexual intimacy. Does one replace the other or do you have both?

I don't think being sexy is a 24/7 thing. It's more about sharing moments when you want to let the your partner know that they're still desirable sexually. isn't it the same for both people in a relationship?

Yes, mainly in bed. We also hold hands a lot when out (not for everyone), hug and kiss, cuddle up on the sofa.

To be honest, from your posts, I'm struggling to see what's missing (apart from sex itself obviously)

You've said there's plenty of affection, but not enough of ... What, exactly.

DP and I have a decently healthy sex life, but affection outside of sex is generally hugs, pecks on the forehead, her laying her head in my lap while we're watching TV etc. We're not really snogging during the day, proper kissing is a sex thing, not something we really do outside of that.

Yes, DP generally requires more "warming up" than I do before being in the mood for sex, but that tends to happen in bed. I'll stroke her back, arms etc. and my hands will wander. If she's in the mood, then great, otherwise I'll get a not tonight and I'll just stick to her back.

I certainly don't mean 24-7, but I do mean wanting to let your partner know they're still sexually desirable. That's what I don't get any of

As you say, the sex is missing. So I'd like at least more of the 'letting your partner know they're desirable'. If you have plenty of sex I can see you don't need so much of that as you have a regular sexual connection - but if we only have sex every month or two I'd like a bit of being kept warm in between

It's not because you've got teens in the house by any chance?

So what do you actually want him to do?

If he’s not in the mood for sex, it seems fairly obvious that he’s not going to be in the mood for snogging you or sending you a flirtatious text message either. I think this is the sort of thing you want him to do?

My husband and I are both 54. These days I’m either in the mood for sex or I’m not. If I’m not in the mood, I’m also not in the mood for snogging, groping, sexting etc - not because I worry that they will lead him to expect sex when I’m not up for it, but because those things are part of our sexual relationship and if I’m not on the mood for one of them, I’m not in the mood for any of them! It doesn’t mean that I don’t fancy my husband any more; it just means that I don’t have energy for sex OR ANYTHING SEXUAL at that particular time.

Maybe your husband is the same?

Yes sounds likely. Which is what I was looking for I guess - other perspectives on what this looks like in other relationships

Hand holding, very tight hugs, deep kisses. None of these would be in any situation where it would possibly lead to sex. Yes i could hold my child's hand, we hug but it's different, there's a strength and depth to it that let's me know he desires me. Hand holding its fingers intertwined and he's stroking the back of my hand with his thumb, its just more intimate than casual hand holding.

I’d have a read of Esther Perel’s mating in captivity if you haven’t already.

I don’t think you unreasonable to not want to go 0 to tasty in 60 seconds with zero previous sexual intimacy. Man or woman sounds very unfair