Is this friend actually genuine?

[Piupiupiu]

In the last couple of weeks I have experienced the unexpected death of my beloved pet whilst DP is away to look after his terminally ill mother. She also passed away recently. Our relationship wasn’t great before he left but we kept on going. He blamed me for the death of our pet as he had been run over in front of me.

Now come into picture a couple of friends: the male and my dp go back many many yrs, and I met him from the beginning of my relationship to my dp. The female, we both met when she got together with her now husband. Following the death of my pet, they took me out to cheer me up, and previous to that I had a conversation with her where I told her quite a bit of my relationship to my DP. I haven’t actually told anyone else how bad things were between us.

She seemed to be on my side and told me that we should split up. She is right about that, however there are many things in the middle and I would not do this to someone grieving their own parent.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, I discover on the tablet a conversation between her and my DP, where he was just saying how annoyed he was with me and basically all the things that he would not say to my face. He told me enough on the days following the death of our pet. She started saying that I was suffering too, but if things aren’t great he should split up with me.

I am too numb with pain to actually react, and I admit I confided in her, but never had I expected her to go round telling us both we should split up. Like we are not going through enough emotional turmoil already.

She is now messaging me to ask if his attitude has changed towards me at all.

You’re both putting her in a difficult position and she is trying to do what she thinks is best, from the little info provided here it does sound like you should split up.

Why are you both confiding in the same person?

You can have shared friends, but if you guys need to talk to someone about issues that you can’t talk to each other about then bringing one person and each giving your side is bizarre. If you’re going to do that then see a counsellor

Also, unsure about where the pet and parent grieving fit in…it doesn’t feel relevant to anything?

First of all, I'm so sorry about your dog, you must feel devastated.

Personally, I'd be very wary of this woman. She seems to be playing one side against the other at a time when you are both very emotional. I wouldn't confide in her again.

I'd also play dumb and message her back asking why she thought DP might have had a change in attitude.

I had no idea we were both confiding in the same person. She is always the one to make contact, and one day when I was at a low I just said some stuff to her. She then messaged him to say they took me out and he started talking to her because he was very upset. So technically he knows she spoke to me but she never told me she spoke to him afterwards. She only messaged to ask if his attitude towards me improved and said something along the lines of “I bet you can’t wait to see him back😀” That was a sarcastic remark.

How long have you been with your DP? You don't say how long things haven't been great before these major life stressors happened. What are the normal things you and he argue about? How long have you known the woman?

If you're saying that you've decided things are over and you're just waiting it out for a better time to break up, I don't think you're doing him any favors. If I were in a position where I found out my partner was delaying breaking up, I'd be angry to be living under false pretenses. Grieving or not, I'd rather not be staying a second longer with someone who's decided they'd be better off without me.

It's up to you if you want to continue a friendship with the woman or not. If you want to continue, you can't just bottle things up and assume. Tell her what you read and see what she says. As for me, I'd probably not continue because I'd feel betrayed.

We should split up, agreed. But I don’t think it would be right to open this conversation at a time when my DP is at an all times low, don’t you think? After all, he has lost his mom and pet within 9 days. What kind of person would that make me?

Thank you, you are right. These two events have affected us both a great deal.

I was thinking of replying something similar. But now that his mum passed away too she is messaging me making it out as if she is having a laugh at his expense? She basically told me “I bet you can’t wait to see him when he gets back😀”

I’m not sure why she’s wrong to tell you both that you should split up, what have I missed? You both seem to agree with her! At least she’s being consistent.

I don't see what she's done wrong, you're both stressed and leaning on her and she's giving you an honest opinion. What do you think she should be saying? I think you're being a tad unreasonable. You're both stressed and upset and she's trying to be a good friend. It can't be easy for her either.

Been together 25yrs. We’ve overcome quite a lot of issues, mostly me being the forgiving one. A few months ago we had a fight, and he said some things I thought I could not get over. It’s not just me thinking we are almost over, he thinks it too from what he has been telling me and what he has told this friend too.

I have been having issues with him showing very little to no empathy towards me, always blaming me for things that happen to him, and the tone he speaks to me in general. If in the past I went with the flow in more recent yrs I have been speaking my mind up and he believes it’s other people getting ideas into my head. He is acting like I have no brains to think for myself and come up with certain conclusions. I am not a psychologist but I do see narcissistic traits in his behaviour: lack of empathy and gaslighting.
He recently complained about one of my family members being too much(they were trying to help him with his mom as they live very close by). I then asked the said family member to give him some space( they never ceased contact) then he ended up telling me I and family member disappeared for weeks and have been very distant towards him. Whatever you say to him you can never win. His replies are almost always sarcastic and it genuinely puts you off wanting to communicate with him.

Eversince his mom passed away, he is a bit better to communicate to.
However I cannot get passed the fact that he told this friend I have to change in order to save the relationship. He never speaks about his shortcomings.

I’ve never said she was wrong, that is why I came over here to ask on people’s opinion on it.

I guess I never expected her to make contact with him after I had confided in her about the difficult time we were going through. Had I known she was going to do that I would have never opened my mouth. Is it unreasonable of me to believe that someone you confide in will keep your problems to themselves and not advertise them to the person you have an issue with?

So she's not owned up to a conversation with dp then? I wouldn't trust her. She could be saying exactly the same thing to dp about you.

On that basis, I'd give her a bland reply:
"Oh yes. I do hope it's stopped raining by then."

At this point, her motives are irrelevant. You're in an unhappy relationship that, by the sound of things, has been struggling for too long. At a time when you and DP are both distressed by bereavements, your shared anguish is not opening channels of mutual care but accentuating the chasm between you.

25 years is a lot of history. It would be understandable to want to push thoughts of splitting to one side (again), it is uncomfortable. Do you think you may have been using the illness/deaths as good reasons to avoid confronting the need to end it? And, now, could you be displacing your discomfort onto the friend?

I think she’s in a difficult position, but if it were me, at the time I realised I had both people trying to confide in me, I’d be stepping back from the whole thing, not trying to open up further avenues of discussion with either party. She might just be conflicted and not handling it well or she might be someone who enjoys getting involved in other people’s drama. Either way, I’d stop confiding in her and probably wouldn’t respond to any messages asking about my relationship. If she brings it up in person I’d change the subject.

Tbh I think the situation is a bit messy but it's not anyone's fault. It's obviously very sad and I hope you find peace and can move on soon.

As she's not your exclusive friend, and has got to know you both as a couple, she probably sees herself as having a relationship with both of you.

She's being a bit socially inappropriate in terms of maybe enjoying and engaging with the drama a bit too much?

However, you've both confided in her so I guess she's emotionally involved, but not mature enough to detach.

Going forward I'd focus on yourself and self-care and not talk more about this with her - find a white lie if you need to.

Let her say what she wants to DP. Focus on doing what you have to do to build your confidence or any practical things that might help if you will be separating. See other friends if you have them or build new friendships. Maybe get counselling as its been a long relationship.

After a breakup there's often a big change in social groups, so don't get too hung up on loyalties and sides and try to just find things you can move forward with. Otherwise you'll be caught up in drama endlessly.

There's nothing wrong with her message, she actually said you're struggling too. I think that shows she cares for you and has your back.
Why is it okay for her to tell you to leave but not your DH? Maybe she sees that you are both good people but you're not good together.
You do need to be mindful that couple friends aren't always your friend anyway. You may really get but if the foundation of the friendship is that your husbands are friends there's a good chance you won't be as close if you and DH separate.

Agree with this

Also, does she have the hots for your partner? It all sounds quite manipulative?

Yes, it would have been far odder if she’d been telling the OP to split up and her partner that they needed to stay together.

She just doesn’t feel impartial to me now. Like she has both sides…it doesn’t really let you vent in a safe space.

Something about it just seems off. I would be careful of that one I think. She could be fine, but also she could be looking after her own interests and not yours or his.

No more. Stop confiding in her she doesn’t sound genuine or transparent with you.

You’ve made me laugh😊 No, I don’t think she does. We hardly ever see each other face to face. Think once a year if anything.

At the time I vented to this friend I concluded that that was the way my relationship was, with ups and downs. I did not make a big thing out of it. I was telling her he was away to look after his mum and that communicating to him was quite difficult. She suggested we needed to split up based on the way he was talking to me. This was before anyone passed away.

What I don’t get is why would she go on telling him the same thing when she can clearly realise we were both very distressed about our pet’s passing. How is that helping? How is she helping by making snide remarks about him to me when we are dealing with two bereavements now?

I know we have a lot of issues as a couple but can’t we put our differences aside for a while whilst grieving? Why does she have to bring our relationship up at this time?

She’s probably a busybody who likes the drama of stirring it all up.

So you're staying because the timing isn't right to split up.

Perhaps your DP has also expressed to her that he is staying because the timing isn't right?

In which case she might be frustratedly trying to get both of you past that erroneous assumption ASAP.