Is this friend actually genuine?

[Piupiupiu]

In the last couple of weeks I have experienced the unexpected death of my beloved pet whilst DP is away to look after his terminally ill mother. She also passed away recently. Our relationship wasn’t great before he left but we kept on going. He blamed me for the death of our pet as he had been run over in front of me.

Now come into picture a couple of friends: the male and my dp go back many many yrs, and I met him from the beginning of my relationship to my dp. The female, we both met when she got together with her now husband. Following the death of my pet, they took me out to cheer me up, and previous to that I had a conversation with her where I told her quite a bit of my relationship to my DP. I haven’t actually told anyone else how bad things were between us.

She seemed to be on my side and told me that we should split up. She is right about that, however there are many things in the middle and I would not do this to someone grieving their own parent.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, I discover on the tablet a conversation between her and my DP, where he was just saying how annoyed he was with me and basically all the things that he would not say to my face. He told me enough on the days following the death of our pet. She started saying that I was suffering too, but if things aren’t great he should split up with me.

I am too numb with pain to actually react, and I admit I confided in her, but never had I expected her to go round telling us both we should split up. Like we are not going through enough emotional turmoil already.

She is now messaging me to ask if his attitude has changed towards me at all.

I tend to agree with you, thinking about it she came to visit a few months ago and I had told her something regarding some renovation works in our place when I was just with her and her DH then she had a dig at my DP using the information I had provided. I should have known better, I genuinely thought she was a good friend.

The more I hear the more I dislike this woman. Time for her to get the boot.

I think she's a mutual friend who you've mistaken for your own confidante. She's supporting both of you, which isn't going to be easy and even-handed when you're in conflict with each other and possibly on the brink of splitting. You expect things from her that you'd get from your own close friend, but that's not what she is.

It wouldn't have had any significance if you hadn't found his messages, but really from what you've said she wasn't stirring or saying anything dishonest. She's said you're struggling and that she thinks the pair of you should split which is true and what she said to you. You feel it's disloyal but her loyalties are split. Honestly, I'd focus on the much bigger issues between you and DH which aren't anything to do with this mutual friend, who you hardly see anyway.

I don't understand the renovation works comment, again it doesn't sound like a big deal unless you're saying things to her that you don't want your DH to know, which again says more about your and DH's relationship than this friendship.

For now, forget about her and focus on yourself and next steps with DH. He doesn't have empathy for you and is the opposite of supportive so don't knock yourself out to do what's best for him. Sorry about your pet. That must've been awful and for him to blame you makes it worse. I would see that as the end and start making plans.

I think some people do enjoy that role of playing little mind control games with other people's lives.

It's why its good to set boundaries with information unless you know the person and know they 100% always have your best interests at heart.

Also a lot of people aren't intentionally malicious but just a bit thick or gossipy or have bad social judgement and discernment. Or nothing else to think or talk about.

I can absolutely see why you're distressed by this behaviour, if you've confided in her and felt supported at the time it must feel like a betrayal.

Moving forward if she's more a "couple friend" she probably won't be that significant in your life going forward?

Ultimately the only one who can decide the next steps on your relationship is you.

It does sound like a big change to break up so I'd slowly build confidence for that rather than waste headspace on what friends think.

You’re putting to much focus on the wrong thing, she may be a busy body and like drama but if so you’re both feeding into it. Stop confiding in her and move on. Focus on getting through this difficult time and plan for what you want to do about your relationship.

If i found myself in a position where both my friend and her DH were confiding bad things about each other, it would be difficult position to be in.

I think she is making a mistake of taking a role of an advisor rather than just a sounding board for both. This is where she is going wrong. I would listen and support both and encourage them to work on things rather than encouraging to split up.

Tbh, i would be straight with her and tell her you are not comfortable having more conversations on the subject with her because you know she has been talking to your DH. See what she says.

I dont think she is malicious but she is wrong to get too involved.

The fact is she knew what she was doing. She mentioned to DP that her DH was telling her to stop as she was interfering. So she had some sort of a warning regarding her being a nosey person.

Ah i see, in that case i suspect she likes a bit of drama and feeling of importance she gets from this. Not sure i would confide anymore to her if i were you.

Yeah, I won’t, her DH knows her best I suppose.
I won’t be talking to her that is for sure.

it is pretty 💩 when you come to an adult age and realise you have no one to talk to. It’s not like I am calling people and I vent to them about my relationship. I once let my guard down and now I regret it. Maybe not completely as if it hadn’t been for her I would not have known the full extent of my partner’s annoyance with me.

I hate to say it but something was off from the beginning, since he left to look after his mum.

Time to put my big girl pants on and deal with the world on my own.

Listen to your gut.
I wouldn't trust her for a minute.
She definitely is attracted to her central role in this.
I think you need to focus on protecting yourself.
She isn't nice, and likes a bit of snide drama.
He isn't nice either.
Mind yourself.