DH doesn’t take kids safety seriously IMO, growing resentful

[BluLavender]

I love my DH, we’ve known each other a long time and got together 6 years ago. In that time we married and had two children. We have a 4 yo and 2 yo. He’s very hands on with the kids and we rarely argue.

First and foremost the biggest issue for me is I don’t think DH is very safe or tidy with things. He’ll leave a knife out on the countertop close to the edge. He’ll leave electrics outside and say it’s fine - I hate it, it looks scruffy, and I don’t think it’s safe. He has forgotten to lock doors behind himself even though he knows the 2yo will open the front/garden door (and has done!). I automatically lock and also clean/put away knives, it comes as first nature to me that these things keep our young and curious children safe so I don’t understand the lack of thought? He also never cleans up after he does any food prep/cooking which continues to create ongoing resentment for me.

My frustrations over this have come to a head after this weekend. Monday night he left an enormous carving knife out on the foot stool in the living room next to all the kids toys. He was cutting his pizza while watching the football and brought the knife in with him but didn’t put it back. The next morning the kids were unsupervised in the living room only for 5 minutes while I sorted out their breakfasts, I also didn’t have my glasses on so didn’t see it when they first ran into the room. I was horrified when I discovered it and feel really angry at him, it literally could have taken less than a minute for one of them to pick that knife up and seriously hurt themself. I don’t think I’m being too over the top about this, but I’m a paediatric ITU nurse and I’ve seen so many avoidable serious accidents related to children and worst case scenarios so perhaps I’m a bit more on edge than normal.

We went away for the weekend with my in laws. We mostly had a nice time but 4 yo was really afraid of the two very big dogs belonging to our mid 70’s in laws. I was annoyed as they don’t hold these dogs back and we were pushing them off the kids a lot, especially FIL’s dog. He is the type to never leash the dog. At one point, FIL’s dog was trying to bite the food off the kids plates and from the kids hands, and licked at the food so I had to bin parts of their lunches. FIL did nothing just sat and laughed, watching me struggle with the kids and the dog. My DH was outside at the time sorting out the kids sandy wellies so didn’t hear all of the chaos. FIL doesn’t interact with the children at all so I’m not surprised he didn’t help but I’m still so frustrated.

Last night I decided to bring up this situation with DH and told him that I do not feel the kids are safe with the dogs, and that I don’t trust that our in laws have the children’s safety around the dogs considered at all. We both agreed it was frustrating. We then had a lengthy discussion about FIL (DH’s mum sadly died 2 years ago very suddenly and we worry about FIL being alone as he gets older) I spent that conversation trying to reassure DH and offer him solutions to how best we can support FIL as he ages. Later on, I saw one of those giant house spiders and jumped, my DH said “gosh you are so worked up” and made a joke that I needed a Xanax?! I asked him to elaborate. He said well you’re very worked up about the dogs and my family. This was after I spent an hour reassuring DH about FIL and trying to be supportive.

Well given the knife situation that morning, my concerns about the kids safety with the dogs, I was really confused by this statement and calmly asked him to elaborate. He suddenly couldn’t find the words and said he was just being stupid and not really thinking about what he was saying. I have this suspicious feeling he does mean it tbh otherwise why say it? He then tried to brush it all under the carpet and then we went to bed barely talking. He’s messaging me this morning saying that he doesn’t communicate well - which sometimes he really doesn’t, he wasn’t raised in the most caring environment. I’ve said I just feel like my anxieties aren’t taken seriously and feel really invalidated, to which he says I shouldn’t feel invalidated because he did apologise for the knife and did agree about the dogs? I’m just so confused at this point as feel like if he took my concerns seriously he’d be more safe around the kids and these things wouldn’t keep happening.

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable, I don’t want our marriage to end and I love our little family but really do feel the resentment growing. I don’t know how to put into words to him why I feel so angry about it all.

No, you're not being unreasonable. Not leaving a bloody massive knife around a toddler is pretty basic. My husband did similar once or twice with carpentry tools. I reminded him once, and the next time it happened I hid the tools and went out.

Does your husband hold down a job?. Presumably he is competent at work so why is he apparently not at home?. Does he really see all the household tasks as your job?

I would no longer visit FIL at his home. Sounds awful both for your children and you. What sort of owner too allows his dog to try and eat food from plates and or human hands ?. An irresponsible one who gives his fellow dog owners a bad name. He should not be keeping animals.

I wouldn't be happy in any of those scenarios @BluLavender

The dogs and the carving knife are the worst, but general untidiness is also awful.

YANBU.

I agree with this. Your FIL is lacking even basic manners if he thinks the way his dogs behave is acceptable. I'd be telling your D to visit him on his own from now on.

Your DH is really not adjusting to the fact that there are small children in his life. He needs to learn to think about these small people and the harm they can cause themselves of the adults in their lives don't think for them. Do you think he can learn to?

The scary thing is, if you separate, he'll have custody of the DCs when you won't be around to watch him as well as them; so you might want to start documenting all the thoughtless and dangerous things he does if you don't want him to have unsupervised access. A stretch, I know, from the usual LTB, but it a logical stretch...

I hope he shapes up, and soon!

Hello, yes he does. He’s the “bread winner” while I’m part time ITU nurse (2 shifts a week and every other weekend) He works 7-5 everyday in the office and looks exhausted 24/7 so I think that’s an element of it so I really try to handle most of the house and also try to give him the benefit of the doubt but think these recent things have been way too dangerous to ignore.

I 100% agree with you about FIL and the dog, I don’t see him too often but when I am working on the weekend DH will take the kids to visit him, I’m now worried about this happening in the future after this weekend.

reply by text ‘I will feel validated and heard by you if I see you making an effort to not put our children in danger. No knives or poisons in their reach, no doors they can open to the street left unlocked. If our kids are in danger jokes about Xanax aren’t funny, and won’t keep them safe.

Your husband ignores basic safety measures when you have toddlers. Sit down and have a serious talk. This is divorce worthy.

He might need to go to parenting classes, and I'm serious about that. Have him research childproofing the home and basic safety measures with toddlers in the home. If he will not do these basic things, he's an unsafe parent.

Document what he does and doesn't do, like leaving knives lying around.

Does he have ADHD or is he just dismissive? Leaving outside electrics hooked up when it's raining, like damn, dude.

The dogs, I would never take your kids to FIL's again. The dogs are untrained and food aggressive and that is a danger to your little kids and they don't take that seriously. Mauling is a huge risk here. I wouldn't take it and I'd let your husband and his father know why.

I hear your concerns as a former PICU nurse. Your kids are so far lucky but that luck might not last. I think one of the most frustrating things was seeing the accidental injuries that could easily have been avoided by basic home safety.

I am sorry to have to say this and will probably be shot down by others but your OH is NEVER going to take your concerns seriously until there is a near miss. he is judging their behaviour by that of an adult and not a child who literally has no sense of danger. you cant teach him, he has to see something happen with his own eyes. but this makes life really tough for you and you have to decide where you stand on this. I guarantee you though 100% unless there is a serious incident or near miss involving the kids, he is not going to change.

My son’s friend recently visited another family with the “loveliest dog in the world “. The daughter begs to differ once it bit her face and ripped two of her teeth out. I would not trust any dog near my children and would insist it was put out of the room or refuse to visit.

Sounds like you are American. Honestly if he loves you he needs to listen to you and take action to keep the kids safe

No we’re in the UK! I agree x

YANBU the issues you raise are very basic health and safety. You are feeling resentful because your DH is leaving mess and not taking your children's safety seriously

I think he could have ADHD in terms of his attention to stuff but then he manages ok in work? At least I think he does?

I agree about the serious chat but my gut is it’s going to happen again. I feel like I am the only person worried about this and it’s almost like he thinks it’ll just never happen to us.

I think there is some element of trauma mixed in from MIL very suddenly dying 2 years ago but I thought this would make him more vigilant? He’s never truly
unpacked this at any point, his family are not close or big talkers.

I will be taking a hard stand on visiting FIL with the dog. He can visit him on his own. I don’t even think FIL would mind not seeing his grandchildren anyway! 🙈

What is a xanex?

A tranquilliser for anxiety, I don’t think it’s as widely known here in the UK. He said it jokingly, I obviously don’t find it funny 🙄

If he manages at work ok, then he likely doesn't have ADHD. So it's him not paying attention to what he's doing.

Put it to him as choices he's making. He's choosing to leave knives next to the kids' toys. He's choosing to leave knives accessible. He chose to leave the kids with only you around multiple untrained, food aggressive dogs. I'm sure there's other instances.

He thinks you need to chill. He is totally dismissive of your concerns to the point he's telling you to medicate your anxiety (and with a benzo, wtf) over his negligence about child safety. You think he needs to make more of an effort regarding child safety. There's a basic incompatibility here. He probably thinks hey, I survived. Many people think that way. But working PICU, you see the kids who are permanently harmed or don't survive parental negligence.

You're becoming resentful of having to monitor him like a 3rd child to keep the actual kids safe from his reckless disregard and endangerment.

He's scary. Negligence in a parent is a danger to the kids and I think he's meeting the definition of negligence. Reasonable people don't leave large sharp knives next to toddler toys.

If I were you, I'd be getting a lawyer consult and presenting him your concerns about your kids' safety.

Why is he working 10 hour days and leaving you to pick up all the house stuff? It feels like you're parenting an additional child when he's supposed to be an equal partner. Why is he unable to clear up after himself?

I would read up on weaponised incompetence.

Your mum dying suddenly when you're an adult is absolutely no kind of reason whatsoever for not being able to understand that leaving sharp knives where toddlers can pick them up is a bad idea. Don't make excuses for him.

That’s obviously not what I’m saying, give actual advice or don’t bother commenting.

That poster has a point though. You're hunting for reasons when the reason is he can't be arsed to care enough or focus enough energy on it. If he was this generally incompetent he wouldn't have a job

Am I? I think trauma can cause people to behave really bizarrely, but I even say in the same sentence about it that surely something like that would make him more vigilant.

I very much disagree that I am looking for excuses for him, I’m actually really angry about it and resentful. I’ve made that really clear in the majority of my posting so unsure why you and the other commenter are focussing on this.

At first I thought you were being a bit OTT, and possibly still are, however the dog example I wouldn't be happy with.
The knife isn't great but we all make mistakes. Leaving knives on a counter top isn't something I've ever thought of as dangerous, nor leaving doors unlocked. People have different measures of what is dangerous and his bar is lower than yours. The electrics being untidy is ridiculous from you.

It sounds like you have different boundaries and attitudes to risk. Your bar is high due to your job and the injuries you see. What you don't see are the millions of other kids in risky situations that turn out fine. Remember that when you're admonishing your husband. You will have a lot of confirmation bias via your job that everything is dangerous, when it isn't. I think you need a conversation with your DH about things you agree that are "red line" risky (this will change as your kids grow).

It doesn’t matter why he does it. I agree with PP that the loss of his mum has absolutely zilch to do with leaving knives around a toddler, but even if it did, it’s irrelevant really because the point is to that they are that unsafe. Honestly I’d buy one of those kids montessori kitchen sets and a pair of kids safety scissors and that’s all he has access to until he can prove he can act like a responsible adult and put those away properly. Keep the big knives locked away where he can’t access them. The montessori knives actually do fine for a lot of things so he’ll be able to make a sandwich, cut fruit etc. and you’ll know the kids are safe.

And stop conflating untidy with dangerous. It weakens your argument.

"He’s messaging me this morning saying that he doesn’t communicate well - which sometimes he really doesn’t, he wasn’t raised in the most caring environment."
I wonder if, having been raised in a ?neglectful? environment, there is the unacknowledged thought at the back of his head that he got through his childhood alive, and so will his children with the same level of input from him as his dad put into his childhood.

Have you ever gone nuclear at him? Because if you haven't, I think I would the next time he endangers your children. Why? Because explaining it to him patiently isn't working, so I'd try another tack.

"He also never cleans up after he does any food prep/cooking which continues to create ongoing resentment for me."
This to me is indicative of an attitude. He doesn't see cleaning up after himself as his job, that's for the skivvy to deal with. 'The skivvy' is you, by the way. I'd be having words with him on that too.

"He works 7-5 everyday in the office and looks exhausted 24/7 "
Why is he exhausted? That merits a discussion too. Is 'the office' in your house or an actual office? Is there travelling time involved?