DH doesn’t take kids safety seriously IMO, growing resentful

[BluLavender]

I love my DH, we’ve known each other a long time and got together 6 years ago. In that time we married and had two children. We have a 4 yo and 2 yo. He’s very hands on with the kids and we rarely argue.

First and foremost the biggest issue for me is I don’t think DH is very safe or tidy with things. He’ll leave a knife out on the countertop close to the edge. He’ll leave electrics outside and say it’s fine - I hate it, it looks scruffy, and I don’t think it’s safe. He has forgotten to lock doors behind himself even though he knows the 2yo will open the front/garden door (and has done!). I automatically lock and also clean/put away knives, it comes as first nature to me that these things keep our young and curious children safe so I don’t understand the lack of thought? He also never cleans up after he does any food prep/cooking which continues to create ongoing resentment for me.

My frustrations over this have come to a head after this weekend. Monday night he left an enormous carving knife out on the foot stool in the living room next to all the kids toys. He was cutting his pizza while watching the football and brought the knife in with him but didn’t put it back. The next morning the kids were unsupervised in the living room only for 5 minutes while I sorted out their breakfasts, I also didn’t have my glasses on so didn’t see it when they first ran into the room. I was horrified when I discovered it and feel really angry at him, it literally could have taken less than a minute for one of them to pick that knife up and seriously hurt themself. I don’t think I’m being too over the top about this, but I’m a paediatric ITU nurse and I’ve seen so many avoidable serious accidents related to children and worst case scenarios so perhaps I’m a bit more on edge than normal.

We went away for the weekend with my in laws. We mostly had a nice time but 4 yo was really afraid of the two very big dogs belonging to our mid 70’s in laws. I was annoyed as they don’t hold these dogs back and we were pushing them off the kids a lot, especially FIL’s dog. He is the type to never leash the dog. At one point, FIL’s dog was trying to bite the food off the kids plates and from the kids hands, and licked at the food so I had to bin parts of their lunches. FIL did nothing just sat and laughed, watching me struggle with the kids and the dog. My DH was outside at the time sorting out the kids sandy wellies so didn’t hear all of the chaos. FIL doesn’t interact with the children at all so I’m not surprised he didn’t help but I’m still so frustrated.

Last night I decided to bring up this situation with DH and told him that I do not feel the kids are safe with the dogs, and that I don’t trust that our in laws have the children’s safety around the dogs considered at all. We both agreed it was frustrating. We then had a lengthy discussion about FIL (DH’s mum sadly died 2 years ago very suddenly and we worry about FIL being alone as he gets older) I spent that conversation trying to reassure DH and offer him solutions to how best we can support FIL as he ages. Later on, I saw one of those giant house spiders and jumped, my DH said “gosh you are so worked up” and made a joke that I needed a Xanax?! I asked him to elaborate. He said well you’re very worked up about the dogs and my family. This was after I spent an hour reassuring DH about FIL and trying to be supportive.

Well given the knife situation that morning, my concerns about the kids safety with the dogs, I was really confused by this statement and calmly asked him to elaborate. He suddenly couldn’t find the words and said he was just being stupid and not really thinking about what he was saying. I have this suspicious feeling he does mean it tbh otherwise why say it? He then tried to brush it all under the carpet and then we went to bed barely talking. He’s messaging me this morning saying that he doesn’t communicate well - which sometimes he really doesn’t, he wasn’t raised in the most caring environment. I’ve said I just feel like my anxieties aren’t taken seriously and feel really invalidated, to which he says I shouldn’t feel invalidated because he did apologise for the knife and did agree about the dogs? I’m just so confused at this point as feel like if he took my concerns seriously he’d be more safe around the kids and these things wouldn’t keep happening.

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable, I don’t want our marriage to end and I love our little family but really do feel the resentment growing. I don’t know how to put into words to him why I feel so angry about it all.

If he's not listening to you then I would take away the big knives,
Yes it's petty but tell him what you've done and explain why
Tell him he doesn't listen to you or care about your kids safety so you'd rather piss him off by removing all the dangerous knives etc than risk your children getting hurt
Ask him if he can think of a different solution that ensures the children are safe

You’re an ITU nurse? You’re brighter than him, so.

But he’s very good at making you feel small.

Change the lock on the front door to a deadbolt with a keypad entry because if he can’t keep track of a child, how can he keep track of an itty bitty key?

@BluLavender

I agree with ADHD being likely.

If you can get him to hyper focus on the kids safety you’ll be golden!!

Imo he sees you are the default parent so he doesn't need to worry about things.
He has you for that .

ADHD?. Even if he was formally diagnosed which he is not it’s still no justification or excuse.

It sounds a bit like apple and tree. His father seems incompetent when it comes to children's safety and so does your husband. I'm assuming your dad's mum did the majority of child rearing?

I don't think you are being ott at all. Your day job means you have an awareness of what happens when we're not lucky or get away with things.

If he has adhd he needs boundaries so he doesn't allow his adhd to endanger his kids. Sign on the door to lock it, rule of no knives outside the kitchen, knives are only kept in knife block or drawer etc. He should t be defensive. He should want to look after his kids properly.

He may not be initially aware of how his behaviour is endangering his kids but he needs to step up. I'm sure he remembers to put his own seatbelt on, remembers how to cross the road etc. No excuses.

Good luck. X

This is actually horrific
You have 3 kids to look after

Oh you've got one of those men. You can ask him, tell him and beg him to change how he behaves. You can reference your professional experience and knowledge of how these awful accidents can happen. And he will just brush you off because you are "overreacting" or in this case "worked up". Then one day, someone else will mention something similar - maybe a work colleague will tell him how their kid cut themselves on a kitchen knife. Suddenly he will come home and announce the shocking story he just heard! He will then proceed to lecture you about how things can go wrong and how you both need to be more safety conscious in the home. Then he will miraculously change his behaviours. This is because he doesn't take you or your career seriously and he secretly thinks he knows better, so he will only listen to common sense when it comes from someone whose opinion he actually respects.
A lot of men are like this. My Dad was the same to my Mum and unfortunately my husband is the same way with me. It's incredibly frustrating and, yes it does make you resentful 😥

His comments on Xanax suggests that he thinks you are being a hysterical little woman. You’re not, you’re a ITU nurse - you deal with risk daily, and compared to other areas actually have a high risk threshold professionally. Stop diminishing yourself!! And he’s tired?? Has he any freaking idea what you deal with every shift? He’s taking the piss, treating you like a skivvy, dismissing your opinion and endangering your children. Stop putting up with it.

the whole family sound like danger on a stick. if i was you keep your kids and yourself safe if he is not taking things seriously then you need to think about the future

I have ADHD and I manage at work , it’s irrelevant. I have also managed never to leave a large knife around toddlers.

And if she was American ? How is that relevant?

His problem doesn't seem to be ADHD. His problem looks like arrogance.

What is he like as a driver OP? And why is he leaving electrics outside?? I've lived in scruffy houseshares before and haven't encountered this. The dampness in the air will effect those devices eventually and it's just not a good idea in the British climate.

I'm all for learning how to manage risk and you do need a level of danger exposure for that but this isn't managing risk, it's just letting it run riot.

You mentioned that he seems knackered. Could that be part of it? Working 7-5 every day then solo parenting 2 very young kids every other weekend is hard. He may just be burnt out to the point of bad decisions.