Was calling my miscarriage a defective pregnancy unnecessarily hurtful?

[Rivaa]

My boyfriend of 8 months and I were chatting about life, children, families, what might have happened had we made different choices, after a few drinks over the weekend.

He knew I had a miscarriage over 10 years ago, that it was physically and emotionally scarring as it was at 3 months. I was just about to have my scan about 5 days after it happened. The father didn't come... It was a long distance situation and we eventually broke up over a combination of factors.

I totally missed the boat to have any children. He has 7 from two previous relationships. Plus grandchildren.

It came up in conversation and he said "Oh... The defective pregnancy". It clearly must have been for the miscarriage to happen, but the way he pointed it out so coldly felt bloody cruel.

Or am I overreacting?

He doesn't sound like a kind man, or a very thoughtful one. Also, 7 kids from 2 relationships is a lot of emotional baggage I think.

I can't think of any context where that would be OK. Why did he even need to comment on it at all?

Is he actually doing you any good at all OP?

He sounds like a thoughtless cunt op, what a terrible thing to say

If he’s otherwise a good person I’m sure he was being clumsy with his words - perhaps because he knows how much it hurts you and didn’t mean it to sound bad?

I read that as him being aware that women often blame themselves for miscarriages and so he is making it clear it was nothing to do with you or your behaviour- and that’s exactly how I view my miscarriage

I was going to ask if he is old enough to be of an era when women were expected to just get on with things after a miscarriage. And then i remembered that my father was like this and it was part of a pattern of him being a complete twat with no consideration of others feelings. My brother is the same (absolutely zero sensitivity) when it isn't about his own wife, so i conclude it's a twat thing rather than a generational one.

A mixed bag of opinions. Maybe it did just come out wrong. It wouldn't be the first time that he's put his foot in it. A lack of emotional intelligence maybe. Generally he's supportive and loving though, hence it caught me off guard.

He just came back off his night shift and he knows I'm still recovering from quite a bad ear and sinus infection, mainly on one side. He banged on the window really loud, but I saw him walking up the drive. Then a bit later he came up to me and shouted BOOOOOO right into my "good" ear. Apologized immediately, said he'd forgotten about my earache.

Stings a bit more now. Just WTF

Sounds like a case of foot-in-mouth disease to me. Some people can be utterly crass and insensitive like that. Do you think he said it deliberately to upset you, or did he just say it without engaging his brain first?

maybe it did just come out wrong. I mean factually it is a defective pregnancy, it is nothing you did or didn't do that caused it. if it upset you, please say something and ask that he doesn't mention it again, or uses different language.

Language is important, for example I would always say 'i had a miscarriage', never ' i miscarried', as for me that suggests it was something active on my part.

Bloody hell. he sounds like an utter plonker. insensitive with the comment but this latest post just makes him seem like he was deliberately trying to make your pain worse. banging on the window and shouting boo? get rid

Yep, insensitive beyond belief with the shouting. He's now apologized several times but hey.... how could you forget that this time last week my entire scalp, face, ear and neck were in so much pain and I couldn't hear out of one side.

If I didn't know better, I'd say he wanted to hurt me. He's lucky the antibiotics have worked otherwise I might have hit him!

Currently packing up my things while he's asleep. I don't want to see him again today. Or possibly even ever.

He’s testing the boundaries here cos he knew of the ear problems so this is on purpose.

good your leaving cos this will escalate.

The best measure of a man is how he treats you when you're unwell. So he dismissed your miscarriage in a callous way, and then deliberately tried to hurt you when you had the earache.
He might actually turn abusive.

Indeed. Very strange though as he was being very helpful until last night. Took me to both appointments, helped with shopping etc.

When we were talking last night we also had a disagreement about his ex girlfriend and it didn't really get sorted out. Sorry for the sort of drip feed but I wonder if he was so pissed off at the boundary I put in place for my own self respect that he's wanted to get one over on me. It felt like it.

Fucking hell 😱

He is deliberately hurting you, physically and emotionally, and you call him loving?? As is so often repeated on here, go by his actions and not his words (false apologies). Get rid, he's pushing your boundaries to see how much abuse and nastiness he can inflict on you. How much are you willing to take just to have him in your life?

Edit
Sorry for the sort of drip feed but I wonder if he was so pissed off at the boundary I put in place for my own self respect that he's wanted to get one over on me.
Short answer is yes. With bells on.

This is a red flag I think op he’s starting to show you who he is I’d be thinking of any other red flags he’s shown you already

An idiot. Or at least half the time. Jjst when you want caretaking and empathy. This will only get worse as you both get older.

Well until last night, I had not seen this side to him at all. He has quite a whacky sense of humour and tries to jump scare me and tickle me a fair bit, but nothing like this.

It has made me reevaluate who he is entirely.

That's quite the drip feed.

The initial comment, while technically accurate, was clumsy at best and unpleasant at worst.

Shouting in your poorly ear was downright twattish.

The man’s a walking red flag and these types actually hate women, all of them.

Keep packing up your things and never see him again. Block all his means of being able to contact you.

It's been eight months, the mask is slipping.
He is immature and he deliberately tried to hurt you. That's how my abusive ex started, for example bear hugs when I had a cracked rib.

Getting out now is a smart decision.

IMO a man with 7 children from 2 relationships is a massive red flag in the first place, no matter how much he claimed he was an equal parent and partner. He wasn't.

Tickling is a MAJOR red flag for abusive people

It’s really difficult to know OP.
To be honest, the “defective pregnancy” to me is a positive way to describe a miscarriage in that doesn’t place any responsibility upon the women.
And if you say he’s a “jokey/ prank type of person” ( if you like that that’s fine but I’d hate it) then banging on windows and saying boo sounds like him being himself and simply not remembering that you’d been in pain.

He wouldn’t be for me Op, what with the 7 kids, +grandchildren, the pranking etc. but from what you have written I get annoying, rather that deliberately unkind.

Oh I didn't know that!