Ex wants us back after abuse, should I consider counselling?

[SeptemberSpook]

ExH and I have been separated for a year now after I left him due to verbal abuse and other negative behaviours. We have two children together. Ex and I met up today and he apologised for his behaviour and took accountability for verbal abuse and also apologised for scaring me at times.

Ex wants us back together as a family, he is telling me to come home and wants to save our marriage.

What are everyone’s thoughts? He was verbally nasty in arguments but outside of that he could be kind and thoughtful and we could enjoy each other’s company.

He has agreed to marriage counselling and agreed to telling the counsellor why I left.

I am wary though and would need to know he wouldn’t use my leaving as a weapon to punish me with if I go back.

I also miss us being a family and all the happy moments we also had.

The chances are that his promises are all talk. If he’s really serious (and I doubt that he is) then you getting back together shouldn’t be his goal. He’s telling you what you want to hear, not what he’ll do. As soon as you are back together, he’ll revert to type,

If you feel that you must consider this, would you also consider insisting that the counselling comes before any attempt to live together again?
It's (just) possible that he has learnt from his experience, but it's also possible that he wants to abuse you again/stop paying you/keep all his assets. You need to be really, really sure before you move back in.

Personally I don’t think abusive people change , he might go to counselling but do you really want to take the chance a year in?
things always look rosier when time has passed.
it would be really horrible for your children if they have him back again and it all goes wrong.

Omg no, sorry but, no.

Councillors do not help if there is abuse. They cannot make him a safe person. It is NEVER recommended to go to councilling with an abuser. In part becuase they can use it to twist things, wreck your head and even con the councillor.

Its is never recommended to go to councilling with an abuser.

But this guy, was not only verbally abusive - but also made you scared!

Lord no op. What are you thinking?

FEAR is to protect us from harm. He isn’t safe.

Do not expose your child to seeing their mother abused again. Stay away from him.

I can’t even…seriously I would scream and shake you if I could. Do not go back to abusers!

Don't have marriage counselling with an abuser. He can find a perpetrator program if he's really serious and you can discuss it when he's completed the course. Until then, no discussion of getting back together at all.
don't do it

People who love you do not abuse you. EVER.

Stay away from bullies. He doesn’t want you back because he cares for you. Chances are, he wants you back becuase he hates you for daring to leave and he wants to punish you for it.

Has he even done an anger management program? Or therapy himself? Gave up alcohol? Anything to show he has changed what so ever? Talk is cheap.

Please please do all you can to read up on how to spot abuse. Maybe read “the gift of fear” too. Read up on “narcissistic hoovering”.

A man who loves you would never put you in a position where you feel unsafe or afraid of them. That’s not love. He is dangerous.

Heres an idea, tell him no. Tell him absolutely not, under no circumstances. But that you hope he gets the help he needs and that he does right by himself and his child and you wish him nothing but thr best. So, it’s firm no, but a nice no. See how he handles that. Watch to see how he switches up. Does he suddenly drop his nice mask? Does he try and bulldoze your boundaries? Will he accept the no? If not, you know that he will always, always be a threat in a relationship.

What has changed for him aside from you moving out? Has he given up alcohol? Has he seen a psychiatrist? Has he found a routine of exercise and medication? What is he actively doing to improve his own mental health outside of the relationship?

If the answer is nothing, then this is not a case of he has been working on fixing what was broken so you can repair the family. He has to work on himself before you could ever work on your relationship.

My first thought would be why? What has changed in his life that has prompted this false promise? Did his last relationship end? Don’t fall for his lies. Abusers don’t change - they just move from victim to victim.

Ps: it’s ok to be single you know.

You don’t have to accept an unbelievably low bar of an abusive partner.
And it’s your life but, your child shouldn’t have to grow up witnessing their mum tolerate that bs. Would you want a relationship like that for her?

”oh when it’s nice it’s nice but when it’s not I’m literally fucking terrified of him” …umm…wtf?

lol no dick is worth that!

No.

You've done the hard work in separating. Don't give this shithead another chance, ffs. Don't put your kids through it all over again.

I presume you didn't up and leave the first time he was abusive? He had plenty of chances during your marriage to stop his behaviour and chose not to. What he means is he doesn't want to divide the assets or pay child support, And yes, he would absolutely throw at your head 'you broke up our family' in every argument you had.

Don't even consider counselling. He should have it alone, so that his next relationship with someone else stands a chance. But yours is done.

Agree with others who say that having joint counselling with your abuser is not recommended.

Please don't do this. You can't go back. Imagine how confusing it would be for your children if you try this and then have to break up again if he goes back to his old ways, which he almost certainly will.

Do not go back

Also, out of curiosity “he wants me to come home”. Do you mean he is still in the family home and you and the kids literally had to live elsewhere for a year? Because that tells you he hadn’t changed right there.

I know you left him but he could have said “hey, I was a shit, I want you and our kids to have the house. I will stay somewhere else”.

Agree with @HarpieDuJour and @Ponderingwindow. People can change their behaviours, but you should be very sure he is making significant steps in that direction before you make any moves. I’m guessing you’ve already invested a lot of energy into rebuilding a life without him and this takes a lot of emotional energy.

My ex wife who it has been suggested is autistic and/or a narcissist and is and remains an abuser suggested we go to counselling and agree on whatever courses stc we needed to address our problems.

My reply was that it was an absolute condition she had to do anger management.

End of offer.

She went on to wreck her divorce settlement and assault her partner in the street.

No. Do not go back. Abusers don't change. He wants his emotional punchbag and bangmaid back.

The PP was right who said that, if he gave a fig about how badly he treated you, he'd surrender occupancy of the family home to you so that his children had their home back.

This lady is very good. She does a lot regarding spotting abuse.

You have been separated a whole year. How have things been for you in that time? Have you felt safer, more settled, more stable? No more walking on eggshells, feeling upset because he shouted at you, or losing self-confidence because of the way he treated you?

Your answers should help you decide.

And, as others have said, it is not recommended that you attend counselling with an abusive partner. You can accept his apologies (why has it taken him 12 months to allegedly recognise the error of his ways?) and encourage him to go to counselling on his own, as this may help him in his next relationship if he is genuine.

But …

I would remind yourself that he is your ex for a reason. He should stay that way!

Also, remind yourself that this not just about you. It’s also about your children. Do they deserve to have an abuser back in their lives? You ex didn’t just abuse you, he abused your children by association. You now have another opportunity to stand up for them by protecting them and their home, and saying no.

I went back and he’s the same

Has he received counselling on his own during the time you've been apart? This should be his first step in understanding his behaviour and making changes so that he can be a good father on his own (this should be his most important goal right now!!) and perhaps even a good partner to someone some day. It will take mush longer than a year, though. IF you are single after he has accomplished this and you are both potentially interested in reconciling, then couples counselling MIGHT be an option if someone will agree to work with you in spite of the history of abuse - but complete that successfully before you reenter a romantic relationship and certainly before living together again!

Op leopards don't change their spots.....a very old saying. He will be lovely for a little while then sooner or later he will be back to being horrible.
Trust me it will not work out

Do NOT go to joint counseling with an abuser.

It gives them insight into more ways to hurt you. The abuser can use what you say later against you. You can't be honest because of the fear of consequences from the abuser. The therapist can possibly fail to recognize the abusive dynamics going on.

If he wants to change, he needs to do individual counseling and stick with it for a long period. Why hasn't he done that over the past year?

Because words are cheap and he hasn't changed, that's why.

Absolutely no couples counselling with an abusive man, it’s a complete no no.

Your instinct is telling getting back with him is a BAD idea but you are doubting yourself …

do the Freedom programme

only THEN think about it again -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php