Partner has changed his mind about trying for a baby

[Betsy21]

Hi all, I am looking for some advice please. I moved in with my partner just over 3 months ago now. We have spoke throughout our relationship about having kids (I don't have kids but partner has a 6 y/o daughter). Both of us have been open to the idea and agreed we would revisit the chat after seeing how living together goes. We have had a few loose chats on having a baby, more recently we spoke and agreed about me coming off of contraception and would start TTC. Within the space of a couple of days he wanted to have a chat to which he has expressed he doesn't know if he wants kids. He has says that he is concerned of his age (39), he wants to travel more with me, the lack of sleep etc. I questioned this further and he says that he struggles with change (as we're discussing getting our own house together too) and that's what scares him.
When he expressed this to me I was in total shock, he has never once raised these concerns to me, I actually feel a bit blindsided as I feel that I have built up a picture of our shared future with kids and he ultimately isn't sure if that's what he wants. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. If he does turnaround after having thought about this and he does decide he wants kids how can I believe that's what he wants and isn't just trying to please me? As he has said previously that he believes every woman has the right to have the chance at being a mum. I love my partner dearly, however this has totally rocked me more than I expected, as I thought we were on the same page going forward.

How long should I leave this on the table for? I don't want to be unreasonable but I need answers sooner rather than later. I suppose I'm just looking to vent and some sort of advice from people that have been in a similar situation?

Thanks in advance.

If children are that important to you, leave now. I seriously doubt if he will change his mind.

Mine did this. I left. Then went back to him and left again. It ruined me a bit for a while. You have to leave now.

To be honest, you say he didn’t tel you, but he’s telling you now - before coming off contraception. Which is better than you trying for years and wondering why it’s not working.

Now you know, you can act accordingly. He sounds comfortable with his one daughter and lots of freedom.

It’s a tough choice to make, he might come around or he might not.

Was he ever enthusiastic about TTC?

This, I almost guarantee he doesn't want any more kids

Leave asap. He’s 39, if he’s not ready now he never will be. He’s been quite cruel waiting until you have moved in and presumably have no where else to go and are more likely to just accept his decision. I would feel very resentful.
obviously it’s better he tell you now than in 6m though and it’s fair enough that at 39 he doesn’t fancy starting again. Just leave, you want different things.

Sorry but it sounds like he is just going to mess you around. He may go back and forth on the decision, then if you get pregnant say "I didn't really want this, I did tell you..." I think you need to leave because usually in these situations they mean they don't want kids.

If you want children- you need to accept he doesnt and leave. Find someone else or consider your options. How old are you OP

sounds like maybe he’s waited until you feel trapped, as you’re living together, and now has decided it’s time to tell you he doesn’t want a child with you.
Leave now.

How old are you? I hope you didn't sell a house to move in with him. I think he might have future faked you and this is his way of setting the record straight.
Anyway my advice is leave. But I realise this isn't easy and you are in shock.
Hence the practicalities of your age and potential accommodation being important, because you really should get on top of this ASAP, drifting on living with him is not going to be good for you and will wear down your self-esteem.
Sorry @Betsy21. 💐

He doesn't want more kids and was hoping you'd change your mind. Now you're talking about coming off contraception and it's made him realise he can't dither any more. At least he's telling you straight. I've seen this situation play out more than once in real life and it never ends well. If you definitely want children, cut your losses now. You two aren't compatible on your life goals.

i agree with PP except that you are not trapped - you can and should take him at his word.

Go and make the life you want. Don't stay hoping he will change his mind or thinking that you can make him.

oh, and it may be useful to remember that this is not a failing on your part or his. You aren't lacking something, that's not why he's said this. but it's clear from your post that you want a family and you can make that happen.

You need to be very clear with him. You don't want kids? OK thanks for telling me, I'll be moving into spare room and start looking for a new place. You don't be strung along with 'I don't knows', you've been clear with him from start that you want kids and its a deal breaker for you.

He doesn't like change? Tough shit. His life is changing either through a baby or your exit from it.

He has decided that he wants to have a girlfriend and to be a couple. You would like a family. It's a fundamental misalignment that won't be healed with time or persuasion. You are not compatible. Leave.

💐sending support and a hug
i agree with every other post
im so sorry

Yea, plan your departure.

He's kept you sweet until you've moved in and are paying half the bills and now he drops the bombshell.

In my experience men either want dcs or they don't. He is already a dad, knows what it is like and has misled you.

Sorry but you've been future-faked. He is not honest or kind.

He could be panicking, it might not be as deliberate as future faking to trap you. If it was that he'd wait till you bought a place together.

I think you could give him a week to mull it over, then if he says he's sure he doesn't want kids end it.

If he says he does want to try for a baby, maybe stay on contraception for a few months to see if you're sure.

He waited until you moved in, THEN he told you

He future faked you

Leave and don’t look back x

Agree with what the other posters advise. And also, is/was marriage ever on the cards? You are in far more protected position if you have a child when married. Does he see his 6 year old regularly? Is he a good dad to them?

You're incompatible. You want your own kids and he doesn't want any more. And he waited until you moved in to tell you. He wants a childless gf, not a wife and more kids.

Is there an age gap here?

Thank you all for your advice. For a bit more context, I'm 36, I am an independent woman. I have my own money and had my own place (I didn't sell up to move in with him). He is a brilliant dad and sees his daughter every weekend. My OP should read that I have already came off contraception and within a few days that's when he wanted to have a chat.

You only moved in 3 months ago? Way too soon to have a child and an irresponsible choice anyway.

How old are you?

He's changed his mind after moving in with you.And to me that would suggest, he's not sure about you, either.

Cut your losses and leave you're still young enough.

This is harsh of him to decide after you've moved in together. I understand why he'd feel that at 39 but he's not taken into account you in this at all. If he shuts this choice down now and expects you to stay together forever, he's effectively dictating that you never have your own children. I know that sounds obvious but does he realise that's what he's telling you?

He's basically saying pick me or pick motherhood.

I'd be sorely tempted to move back to your own place and become a single mum by choice witha sperm donor (I have a friend who's done this and she's very happy, and like you is financially independent, able to work for very good pay now her child's at nursery) and I'm happier for her to be in this situation than sad with a man.

I’m so sorry. If you want kids you need to walk away. He’s made himself clear. Really rubbish he brought this up after you moved in. And a head fck if you see him being a great father to his daughter and he seems to enjoy it.

But you’ve got time to meet someone else. For extra comfort and to give yourself more time in meeting some else you could do a couple of rounds of egg freezing (if I sound casual about that I’ve just been through IVF). My friends have done egg freezing and my friend is about to use hers with a lovely guy at 43. Not saying it will take you that long to meet the right man, but just it does increase your options and gives you more time to find the right man.

There will be another man out there who is compatible and who wants the same things as you. Not all men are done at 39. My husband is 42, we are having our first now. People settle down later, I read somewhere that the average age of a first marriage now in the UK is 37. My brother in law had his first and got married at 46, his wife is 42.

And again sorry I’ve just been through infertility, endometriosis surgery, a miscarriage and IVF. So my brain is obviously focused on the path to a baby as being the answer always. But if that’s what you want too, sadly that doesn’t sound like it will be with him xx

Yup.
He wanted you to move in, to share bills and share raising his existing child, but he doesn't want another child.
It was really shitty of him not to tell you that loud and clear before you upended your life to move in with him.

Move straight back out again.