Am I just being anxious / paranoid about DH?

[Witchhunted]

To be honest, I don't really have lots to go on, it's just a gut feeling. My DH is lovely but we've been married a long time and lately he just feels distant. He does occasionally hold my hand for a moment or give me a quick hug / peck but not really any flirting / passion / initiation of anything. We don't talk much, he's more excited about the dog and kids than me.

I just have this feeling I can't shake that either he's just bored of me or maybe there's somebody at work. He works with lots of young female interns, and a woman more his own age who is very clingy and he talks about a lot, they all eat lunch together & go on work trips etc. It's probably nothing but I don't know. I've been right in the past when he had a crush on someone so I think my instincts are quite good.

I have brought it up, asked if he's still in love with me and he says yes but turns it back on me that I must not be to ask the question. I said Im just feeling worried; nothing really changed.

It was our anniversary recently and we said no cards, presents etc which is what i wanted as we'd had a lovely stay away a few weeks before (with lots of sex I might add!). But no flowers, nothing. & he has put a little message on social for the past few years. Nothing this year. He's started getting really into losing weight which is brilliannt because he really needs to - but I've been gently trying to persuade him to do this for ages, & always been met with lots of resistance so part of me worries there's another reason.

This weekend, i made a comment after the Bank Hol "oh you'll be happy going back to work then" and he got so cross. Said I was totally unreasonable and being abusive, got v angry because I wouldn't explain myself further (because he was shouting).

I'm just not sure. & then I messaged him today, apologising but saying i thought how he handled it wasn't great either when I'm obviously feeling insecure. Nothing.

New weight loss/ new clothes/ new image = new woman

it might not be the woman at work but it is someone I’m sorry x

His head is turned and I don’t know how you can stop that train once it has left the station.

Rereading your post it likely is the woman at work. How is he with his phone?

He knows I have the pass code to his phone and check it, he's ok (ish) with that. But he always has made a habit of clearing browsing histories etc so hard to tell. I saw msgs from the woman at work saying things like she misses the team while on holuday & shes saved him a salad at lunch but honestly nothing dodgy in his replies - telling her to get back to being on holiday. But indo suspect there are messages deleted. I also know he looked up his ex's new husband and her family recently which isnt anything in itself, but you do have to be in a bit of a certain headspace to do that, don't you? He has a work phone too that i can't get on at all, never have, so no idea what could be on there.

How do you think he would react if you talked to him about feeling distant lately and what the two of you could do to rekindle and reconnect? He may not be feeling the distance, but is he willing to acknowledge that you are and consider how things could be improved? How willing he is to listen could be an indicator of whether he’s starting to mentally check out. Try and make it about the two of you rather than your suspicion that he’s wandering off. His response will be telling.

"He knows I have the pass code to his phone and check it, he's ok (ish) with that"

If you check his phone then you dont trust him and he knows it. I have been with my DP for almost 14 years. I never check his phone, and he doesnt check mine. You either trust each other or whats the point in being in a relationship.

His angry reactions to what you said, and his twisting of it to make it look like you are the bad guy are both highly suspicious I'm afraid.

He's never been great at emotional empathy. I have brought this up (though maybe I need to be more blunt that I'm worried there's someone else), he'll say it's all fine. But then on a day to day basis, nothing changes at all - no more effort to connect or cuddle more. He just says he thought we had a nice day

This is the part that scares me. But maybe he's just genuinely annoyed that I'm creating a problem out of nothing? Which could also make sense, though not be a v loving reaction

Calling you abusive for a shitty comment is wild

It might be something, it might be nothing. It sounds like you've both gotten a bit bored of the relationship, without enough trust to go into maintenance mode.

That's not the end of the world, but if talking together isn't working/helping, I'd recommend going to a relationship counsellor.

Not in a "we're about to break up" sense, but in a "we need a bit of work for things to be easy again" one, so things don't degrade from here.

Im 5 days in on my weight loss and workouts I've got me some new clothes, new image, ive not got my eye on anyone, im doing it for me.

So all the women on MN that are changing their looks, loosing weight, have all had their heads turned.

Its not always the case.
Op it sounds like you two are just bored.

Maybe, some of it sounds a bit suss. but if a man came on here and said he had been subtly telling his partner to lose weight for years and now that she was he assumed she was cheating, he checked her phone all the time even though she wasn’t 100% happy with it, and he was picking arguments with her with passive aggressive comments, he’d be ripped a new one.

Are you a man?

Why do you check his phone ? That in itself is not something that most people do. Are you naturally quite jealous/suspicious of him?

No im a woman.

What stands out for me is that this isn't the first time OP: he has had a wandering eye in the past. What happened on those occasions? Did you talk about things then? Did he admit his attention had been caught by other women?

Given what you describe about his behaviour now and the fact he has history if looking outside your marriage it sounds very much as though another woman has caught his eye.

If he won't talk about it all you can do is tell him you feel things aren't right in your relationship and how much it is affecting you. I would also get yourself clued up as to where you stand financially in the event of your marriage breaking down.Because from what you say I don't think you will get much warning should he decide the grass is greener with someone else.

Why do you feel the need to check his phone?
I know DH password but have never checked anything on it.

The turning the ‘in love’ thing back round on you stands out to me. That’s classic deflection. So instead of hearing your concerns, he’s just cancelling them out. I’d be suspicious of the weight/gym stuff too if he’s been ignoring it for years.

OP doesn't say anything about new clothes or a new image so please don't introduce that and use it as evidence he's cheating. Not everyone losing weight is having an affair. This is the kind of thinking that fuels insecurities.

I'm not sure me checking his phone is a reflection on him. I'm a very anxious person in that regard after lots of cheating experiences in past - I think I'd do it with anyone. The person he had feelings for at work previously, nothing happened beyond flirting (some mildly sexual) & acknowledging attraction to each other. I caught that via texts - Christmas messages to each other, confronted her / him and it stopped. They both said it was nothing anyway. But he is a person who really likes to be looked up to, or to have people feeling he's their emotional support (just not for me, it seems!!) So that plays in well to his position at work.

I'm not going to go in gentle here. Intuition never lies.

Talking about another woman. Yeah, even if nothing physical has happened, it is a yet.

Prepare yourself. As I have said in other threads, men do not react well when their life is at risk. I have seen it happen countless times. Get things in order, use the pain as fuel. Get free advice from a solicitor.
Be very very careful who you speak to, not anyone linked to your partner whatsoever or crucially, who he may try to get on side as such

Thank you, this feels very balanced.

Maybe think about how you would feel if a friend outlined all of the information he is freely giving you?

Lack of interest and effort, only interested in sex on weekends away, emotionally distant and causing argument. Men often will disengage to cause you to end the relationship and even more so, when their heads have been turned already.

Sorry to be blunt, but often our brains are in shock and unable to comprehend how someone we care for could be so cold and actively betraying you. Once you feel more ready to act, do not act differently towards him. As difficult as that may be, it will give you more time. It sounds like you will need it. You need to be prepared, this other women may bring a whole lot of trouble to both of your lives.

Your feelings and emotions are not 'nothing' and he should be doing everything possible to reassure you. He's not making any attempt to do that, he's getting annoyed with you instead. Has he told you it's all in your head yet?

He's had a crush on someone in the past, the OP says, so he does have form for this sort of thing.