Am I just being anxious / paranoid about DH?

[Witchhunted]

To be honest, I don't really have lots to go on, it's just a gut feeling. My DH is lovely but we've been married a long time and lately he just feels distant. He does occasionally hold my hand for a moment or give me a quick hug / peck but not really any flirting / passion / initiation of anything. We don't talk much, he's more excited about the dog and kids than me.

I just have this feeling I can't shake that either he's just bored of me or maybe there's somebody at work. He works with lots of young female interns, and a woman more his own age who is very clingy and he talks about a lot, they all eat lunch together & go on work trips etc. It's probably nothing but I don't know. I've been right in the past when he had a crush on someone so I think my instincts are quite good.

I have brought it up, asked if he's still in love with me and he says yes but turns it back on me that I must not be to ask the question. I said Im just feeling worried; nothing really changed.

It was our anniversary recently and we said no cards, presents etc which is what i wanted as we'd had a lovely stay away a few weeks before (with lots of sex I might add!). But no flowers, nothing. & he has put a little message on social for the past few years. Nothing this year. He's started getting really into losing weight which is brilliannt because he really needs to - but I've been gently trying to persuade him to do this for ages, & always been met with lots of resistance so part of me worries there's another reason.

This weekend, i made a comment after the Bank Hol "oh you'll be happy going back to work then" and he got so cross. Said I was totally unreasonable and being abusive, got v angry because I wouldn't explain myself further (because he was shouting).

I'm just not sure. & then I messaged him today, apologising but saying i thought how he handled it wasn't great either when I'm obviously feeling insecure. Nothing.

And if you already knew he had a roving eye because he's done it before, and he was now behaving out of character - would you check it then?

Yeah this.
And OPs update about being anxious, etc.
I find that constantly being checked up on tends to push people away.

Things normally are. Not always, but normally. Neither of you has done anything even remotely unrecoverable. This is just the normal hills/valleys of a long term relationship. It needs a bit of maintenance, as they always do, but that's nothing to overly worry about.

You have legitimate concerns, and it sounds like he might be going through something similar, you just need to organise yourselves in a way that you can talk openly and bring it back together.

You can never say for certain beforehand, but the chances are, you just both need to get some things off your chest and remind yourselves that you're good.

This.

Trouvez la femme.

Yes. It also sounds like there is history of the same or similar behaviour. Imagine how that anger would be if you announce you are leaving him.

You deserve so much better, Op.

Trust your intuition.

Doesn't really work if you are the jealous/anxious type.

She's probably the jealous/anxious type because her DH's head has been turned before.

Trust your gut OP.

Not only is he showing several 'red flags' e.g losing weight, less affectionate, no nice messages online that another woman might see etc, but he's irrationally angry for no apparent reason too?

You've got LOADS of worrying things going on all at once.

Again, trust your gut !

Having been through something similar I would advise that you never ignore signs that your dh is distant. His defensiveness, deflection and anger when you try and raise concern is a huge red flag. The fact that this has happened previously also doesn't bode well.

I'd be interested to know how long ago the previous incident was and if he sought any therapy or other intervention to help him? If not, the chances are he is still using the same (very poor) coping mechanisms. I'm unsure how you raise this so he actually listens and admits what he's up to but you can't let this go on.

I wish you well op.

This. Marriages never consist of the initial lust and highs of the first bit.

What, you mean like that old saying?

'I may be paranoid, but that doesn't mean there isn't something going on'

I did tell him (via message) that this is how I'm feeling, but he said I was completely out of order to make him worry about what he'd done without explaining. He says he's happy with me and our life, but that was it very matter of fact, no lovingness or comfort. And he's since come home and is being really cold with me, only the bare basics of conversation to get anything done. It's just confusing, I understand it's not nice to be accused of something if you've done nothing. But at the same time a big hug and "don't be silly, I love you" would surely be much better than this. It's hard NOT to think I must be right when he's being like this.

OP has justification for being anxious given he has already had one inappropriate relationship with a colleague who he was attracted to. No wonder she doesn't trust him and his behaviour gives her good cause to think something similar is happening again.

Why did you say you didn’t want anything from him for your anniversary when you clearly do ? It doesn’t matter you had a weekend away, it has no bearing on him getting you a card, flowers etc. It’s very confusing and misleading to say you have few expectations of him.

In that case she should end it.
I've been on the other end in my younger days, accused of all sorts by an old boyfriend, it's exhausting and makes you fall out of love with someone. Which of course explains the feeling distant and cold.
Self fulfiling prophecy.
Of course, people do cheat, so both can be true.

How many times have you accused him, though? As well as going through his phone?

Nobody is going to repeatedly reassure you ad infinitum. At some point, people get tired.

bollocks. I’ve changed all that about me and I don’t have a new man

I think you are taking the wrong response.

It may be something it may be nothing. The reality is even if it is nothing there is an issue in the relationship. Your insecurity may be bothering him, there may be other issues but you probably want to get going responding to the issue. I can only suggest counselling, just be really careful about who you look for. If you find one who looks to turn it in to what is wrong with him you will make it worse. So you need to find one who is really balanced and focused on communication and particularly good with getting men to communicate, lots of different suggestions etc.

If it turns out to be more then that is another matter but right now just work on what you can be sure of.

But if you’ve previously caught him sending flirty messages to a colleague and telling her he was attracted to her, you have every right to feel the way you do.

he should understand your lack of trust is a result of his previous actions. He’s lucky you stayed with him and he should be doing all he can to provide the reassurance you need. Not calling you abusive and throwing it back in your face

Yes but ARE YOU A MAN? That’s what they usually do in my experience. They are not the same as women.

It’s not just me saying that either, so I don’t mind what you believe, I know what I know.

New fitness regime or new weigh loss or new obsessive hobby or new image or all of the above = interested in a new woman.

You might be right, but I’m definitely not wrong. 😁

Mentionitis about someone he eats lunch with and goes on work trips with.

Losing weight.

He looks for validation from others.

The irrational overreaction when you made a simple remark about him being happy to go back to work. He called you abusive. That's going to be his story about why he leaves. He shouted at you about it. He tried to DARVO so he could play the victim.

He has a history of connecting with women outside his marriage. It sounds like he's had at least one emotional affair before.

What you've got is pattern recognition. He's done this before, and you've picked up on the signs.

I think it's time to suggest marriage counseling and bring this out into the open.