I just can’t have my mum in my life anymore.

[ScaredButUnavoidable]

My mother has always been a bad mother for a variety of reasons, but I just tolerated it and ignored it because she was my mum.

Well 18 months ago it all came to a head and I finally opened my eyes to just how damaging she is, and just how much her parenting throughout my entire life has affected me. I lifted my head out the sand, faced the truth and after lots of counselling I made the decision that I just didn’t want her actively in my life anymore. It was an extremely difficult time.

It was all kept very low contact, the odd message here and there, she’d randomly turn up with birthday presents and Christmas presents but that was the most it was. I got a new phone number so she can’t call me or text via that, it was only messages via MSN.

Up until a month ago I hadn’t seen her in well over a year and we’d had really minimal contact. My mental health was so much better and I felt like I was finally moving forward in life. I am still in counselling though trying to unpick all the damage she did but overall I am in a much better place.

However, due to family issues that began a month ago she’s now had to re-enter my life. I haven’t physically seen her but Ive had to have many phone calls with her, lots of messaging etc, shes constantly being talked about by those around me shes back in my head again. Over the last week it’s ramped up and I am spiralling. My anxiety is through the roof, my mental health is plummeting again, all the awful traits in her are now back in full force and it’s like I’m having to re-live everything I have worked so hard to put behind me (and that I’m still working on).

This morning I just broke down. I just can’t do it anymore. She is so, so bad for me. I have now blocked her on absolutely everything because I need her to completely disappear. I don’t ever want to hear from her again or even have her be mentioned. I need her to completely vanish from my life.

Has anyone ever had such a damaging mother that this really was the only option?

I just can’t do it anymore 😢

Yes. I have been in the same position. I'm late 50s and my mum is close to 80. I thought I could hold on until she died, as awful as that sounds. But she's fit as a fiddle and I just reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore.

I had a bit of a health issue myself and I suddenly thought, what if I die before her? I will have lived my life never free of her. That's what did it for me. Now I wish I'd done it years ago and not wasted so much time.

There's always this pressure of "but its your mum". But when your mum has never really brought anything positive to your life and probably never will, then you need to put yourself first. After all, that's what my mum always did and probably yours too.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.

Are there any other family members you are still in contact with?

Yesterday marked 11 years since I last saw my mum. Last spoke to her on the phone in 2016, last received an e-mail from her in 2019.

Bit different to your situation in that she's the one who broke off any form of contact with me (I'm 'rotten and evil to the core') , but I had been slowly, quietly backing out of the metaphorical door and reducing contact for years before.

It's normal to have some back-and-forthing before lasting no-contact sticks. These experiences are really painful, but in the long run you'll be OK.

You mentioned she's being talked about a lot by 'those around me' – are 'those' people sympathetic to your situation? Do they / could they respect your need to stay out of anything to do with her?

Sometimes I think it’s best to just cut certain people off. My fil was a very difficult and rude man. He would send the most hateful letters and emails to dh out of nowhere ridiculing his life choices, career and financial situation. DH has done well for himself but it was never good enough.
He would get really anxious about seeing him and desperately wanted his approval. When his dad was in a hospice for his last couple of weeks, he sat with him every day until he died. His dad left him nothing, not even a letter or photo and gave everything to his step wife and step children. I wish he had walked away a long time ago as his dad held so much power over him until the day he died.

My mother passed away a few years ago, there had been no contact between us for over 20 years. She never liked me and I hated her.
I don't especially bear her any ill will, she couldn't help who she was, she just wasn't cut out to be a parent.

Oh op I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling again. It sounds very difficult. Do you have any siblings who are reasonable?

I hope you feel better soon. Keep going

So sorry OP. I totally understand. I have been NC with my abuser (mother) for thirteen years or so. Best decision I’ve ever made.

Protect yourself. 💐

I'm in touch with all of my family. I have a sister I'm very close to and I have a close relationship with my dad (parents divorced when I was about 4ish).

I have a close relationship with my mum's sister, and my mum's mum.

My mum's dad is pretty awful (though he puts across a wonderful charming personna to everyone) and he's always been present in my life too (though much less over the last month).

This is what I have been trying to tell myself for the last few decades... that its just who she is and she just isn't cut out to be a parent.... but she's so knowingly nasty. Her awful behaviour is intentional and that's what I cant get over. How can anyone treat their own child so badly.

I have a sister thankfully - I think having each other was the only thing that made our childhood somewhat bearable. She emotionally cut off from our mother when she was about 14/15 years old (we are now mid 40's) so there are surface-level pleasantries between them but nothing else.

They are all wonderfully supportive (bar one) and fully understand the complexities of the 'relationship' between me and my mum.

The problem is that the issue that has arisen over the last month (ill health of a family member) means that the low-level contact has had to end as I've had to speak to my mum (she's not the one who is ill though) and obviously as we are having family discussions about what is happening, next steps, long term care needs etc, my mum is obviously being mentioned in all the conversations. She's integral to it all.

Yes, unfortunately.

Very good advice from@DancingLions

You need to prioritise your MH and step back from whatever family issues have dragged you back in. Create a vacuum and let others step up. You could even say:
"I have a lot on my plate at the moment."
It's the truth and you're under no obligation to elaborate.

With regards to other people talking to you about your mother, you need to firmly state your boundary:
"I'm sorry but I really don't want to discuss her."
Change the subject, walk away or wrap the call up quickly. If they persist, you may need to go low contact or even no contact with them. I'd be questioning why they're even talking to you about her when, presumably, they must know that your relationship with your mother has never been a good one? Be aware of "flying monkeys."

"But she's your mother." In my experience, people who come out with this crass statement are either "flying monkeys" or they have been lucky enough to have a loving, loyal, nurturing, supportive mother. We've not all been that fortunate.

Finally, as Dancinglions said, don't waste any more of your life on this situation. You've made a big decision today and one that you've probably been mulling over in your mind for a very long time. It's difficult to describe the sense of freedom that comes from walking away for good.

Sending support X

That seems to be the only way of dealing with her doesn’t it? In that it worked for you for a long time too.

I don’t think YABU to cut her off now for the sake of your own wellbeing. You need to protect that right now I think.

Take care of yourself x

@ScaredButUnavoidable I can't answer your question, all I can say is that's who she was and she couldn't help who she was. Not that I mean to excuse or condone her in any way.

Are you also 'integral to it all' – as in, unavoidably so?

If this family member's ill health is being handled by your mother and what sounds like a number of other family members, do you need to be also in the centre of those discussions, or could you gently bow out and support from the sidelines?

Without knowing the ins and outs or details of course I may be way off, but I'd be looking to do as much practical support as possible from the safety of my own home, and let the discussions and conversations and decision-making be driven by people who can stand her without it affecting their health to this extent.

"You all have the meetings, let me know what needs doing, and I'm 100% in from over here. Let me know who needs to be called, what needs to be organised, and I'll sort it – I'm just not available for these kinds of interactions"

"that's who she was and she couldn't help who she was"

Sorry but I fundamentally disagree with this.
We're not taking here about the odd parenting error caused by fatigue, stress or inexperience. We're all human and we all make mistakes. We're talking about a long catalogue of mistreatment that has caused havoc with the op's mental health and still is.

My mother was deliberately cruel, maligned and humiliated me at every opportunity and was cold and aloof. This started when I was 7 and continued well into my adult life until I finally broke away. I wasn't a problem child: I worked hard at school, stayed away from drugs and trouble, went to a very good university and bought my first house at a relatively young age. I wanted so much for my mother to be proud of me but she never was, just negative and resentful. I tried so hard to have some sort of semi-decent relationship with her for years but it was a one way street.

We all have our own personality but it's a choice to be cruel, to withhold love and care, to deliberately undermine someone, to make them feel "less than."

Do you really need to be part of those discussions? Is your input vital, or just the 'right thing to do'?

It is ok to let other people do the work of sorting this and step back if you don't have the bandwidth for it.

I’m one of the Power of Attorneys for the ill relative so I couldn’t step back, but as it’s also a very close relative of my mums so was obviously involved in all the discussions and meetings that we’ve had to have with various agencies too.

Im going to feel bad for stepping back and leaving it all in the hands of the other POA but I genuinely feel that if I either have to speak to my mother, or hear her name be mentioned in my presence one more time, I’m going to crack up.

You are allowed to decide that this is beyond you, especially if there is someone else who can do it.

I am LC with my own mother and from experience, she seizes any opportunity to try and get me to communicate with her, including making drama where there isn't any to try and force me to interact.

Is your mother POA, or did she just involve herself?

No she isn’t, but it’s a very close relative so it is completely expected (and understandable) that she is involved.

After nearly 40 years of daily abuse from my mother for as far back as my memory allows (toddler), I cut ties 8 years ago. I will never go back. My only regret is not doing it sooner. My mental health, everything is so much better even though I do have endless issues I continue to work through from my experiences with her as my mother.

People say, "oh, but it's your mother" but that is because they have a loving mother. Not everyone does. You wouldn't tell someone to stay with an abusive spouse because it is their husband. It's no different. I "divorced" my mother and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Then your mother and the other POA can deal with it.

You are surplus to requirements (if you think as yourself as a reserve POA)

Oh lovely, you're not being unreasonable at all. Protect yourself and your own mental health and wellbeing. There is nothing to be gained from letting her in again to hurt you. You don't owe her anything and you don't have to have a relationship with someone who treats you badly just because you happen to be related to them.

I'm so sorry you didn't get the mum you deserve 😔

Step back OP, be honest with the other POA about why and maybe offer to do any background research/admin, anything that won't bring you into contact with your mother. You've already seen the impact being around her has on your MH and you will be no use to anyone if you're ill, please protect your peace, you really can't afford not to

Can you talk to the other attorney, agree a division of labour - they do the meetings and you do the admin and money? And if you are needed for a decision, talk to the attorney separately?