Can I move on after feeling unsafe with my husband

[NameChangeForAnonymity123]

I have 2 children under 5. I have been with my DH for 10 years and married for 7. Before kids everything was lovely and honestly he was the nicest guy with no red flags. As soon as I had my first child (literally the day we got back from hospital) it was like a switch was flipped and the anger he felt towards a crying baby was terrifying. I couldn’t leave the baby with him for any time at all and would have her with me even to go to the toilet or shower. I coped by entering a state of anxious hyper-vigilance.

This meant I had a year of minimal sleep and was just a ball of anxiety. He did lots of therapy and wanted to have a second baby to show he had changed. I had the second child with the idea that I would just leave him if it was the same but he did actually cope a lot better (and the second was actually a really easy baby who didn’t really cry). Since then he’s really stepped up and worked on himself and now the baby crying days are done he’s a wonderful dad and partner again.

My issue is I’m still stuck in fight or flight mode and my health has deteriorated and I don’t know what to do. I have a stressful job and still 2 young kids so there’s not really any time or money for gym memberships or therapy or extended time
to myself.

The kids are happy, he’s happy, everything else about my life is fine to an outsider perspective. I just can’t forgive him for leaving me in this awful hyper-vigilant, anxious, irritable state - I feel like I’ve protected everyone else from the consequences of his actions apart from me.

Can I move on from this?

I’m glad he’s doing better, but you need some therapy too, @NameChangeForAnonymity123 . Maybe you could get it through your work and they’d allow you some time off for it. Something needs to happened to help you x

No you can’t. He is fundamentally a dangerous, nasty person. That’s who he is, and any stressful situation could trigger or embolden him to behave in this frightening way.

You’re right I think some extended downtime would help - it’s difficult as I’m self employed in a stressful job so any time off is really challenging (haven’t had a full week off in a couple of years). I’m trying to look at alternative careers that have less responsibility but life is so expensive and I’m not qualified for anything else! I really ‘leaned in’ at work after my first baby as I was preparing to be a single mum and im the higher earner.

In the end I decided staying was the only option at the time as if I’d left he would have had the baby without me being there - if I’d had to argue against him having access I’d need proof of him harming my child and I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to do anything to my child.

By the time I felt safe leaving him with the kids things were obviously a lot better so I stayed. I hoped I could move on too but I’m just struggling.

I think you really should work on some time off and some EMDR therapy might help you deal with what happened. Once you are less frazzled you can decide whether or not you can get past his behaviour. Does he know that you still struggle? How does he respond to that? Is he contrite or does he blame you. If he refuses responsibility or fails to understand how it could still be distressing then he hasn’t actually changed and is just going through the motions. If he takes it on board then perhaps there is hope. I accept life isn’t black and white so it is down to your choice and no one else’s.

Yeah I’ve been looking into it and EDMR does seem like it could be helpful. He’s really contrite and honestly is really lovely now and a good dad - it was just like a baby cry would set off something awful - now the kids are older he’s back to being a normal person. I was all set to leave but by the time I felt able to I wasn’t sure if I needed to any more. We have no family near here and being divorced would make day to day life so much harder. And he’s very kind and caring to me.

I'm afraid I agree with @TheProvincialLady . No matter how much he appears to have changed i could not forget how dangerous he was with your first child. I'm quite frankly amazed that after that experience you chose to have a second child with him.

I'm sorry but if he flipped so suddenly the day you came home from hospital I think there is always going to be the potential.for that happening again.

I think it's very sad that you think it's you that has to change when it is his past behaviour that is the issue. And the fact you cant forget and still have the fear is your brain sensibly warning you that he still is potentially dangerous. I think you should listen to your instincts rather than tty and find a way to ignore them.

I had the second as I wanted the second (quickly diminishing fertility) and was planning on leaving if needed.

in an ideal world all this would never have happened but now I'm faced with a future of being divorced with shared custody and financial stress vs a future that could be happy if I could just forgive its hard. Also how do I explain it to everyone? If I say why it could affect his job and lose friends and his support network and ruin how the kids see him growing up. If I leave without giving a reason everyone will assume I’ve had an affair or something and I will get all the grief and judgement that goes along with that.

Wow. You should have left before that second baby happened. How could you even risk it?

And I’m not even sure I could have a new long term relationship now - he was so lovely for years before we had kids then flipped so I’m not sure I could ever trust someone fully again. So if I leave I'm sort of condemning myself to a life alone and skint whilst my kids blame me for leaving their father.

OP are you sure he has completely changed, and if so how? What makes you sure?

If I had left without proof he could have got unsupervised contact. If I stayed I could make sure I was always there. Not really much of a choice at that point.

That’s on him though, for being the type of unsafe man who can’t be trusted to be unattended with a baby. Coddling him from consequences isn’t going to help.

Coddling him from the consequences also protects the children from knowing all that happened.

its only ever been in response to a baby crying (but was every time a baby cried). Now they aren’t babies it doesn’t happen any more.

You are way overthinking how people will think about you splitting up. Most people will just think it didn't work out/early years are hard/lots of marriages split up.

The thing is your body/subconscious is trying hard to keep you safe. I literally cannot think of anything more stressful than being a new mother and living with an adult who is posing a real and imminent threat to my newborn baby. You don't recover from that easily. Time isn't going to do it.

Also your dh had therapy and is changed - great. But was there ever an explanation as to why he was like this. Many men are more irritated by a crying baby than the mum is but to show a level of aggression that means you brought the baby to the toilet with you - that is very very rare and truly concerning and frightening. Did he ever figure out where this aggression came from? How can you be sure something else won't trigger it some day?

This will sound a bit muddled but your flight or fight is a real thing that is there to protect you. you are overriding it by saying "no this man is safe now" He was incredibly unsafe not that long ago - why should your body trust your override?

Not sure what you should do tbh but I am not sure if you can really come back from the level of fear he induced in you and the level of deep-down primaeval protectiveness he raised in you. So yeah you might be alone and skint - but maybe you won't have adrenalin coursing through your system every day.

So that's one thing that was very unexpected for you, that triggered him into a state of extreme aggression, who knows what the next one will be. I wouldn't be waiting to find out

@Pallisers that’s actually a really thought out response and there’s a lot of truth in there as I read it. Thank you

The fact this abusive behaviour was done only when a baby cries means he was absolutely able to control his anger, but chose not to. Dangerous man, OP. I’m sorry but he is.

You chose to have a second child with a violent man.

@Tiltedd thanks for that I feel so much better.

When you say he worked on himself what did he actually do?

Whether your DH is changed or not for good is once again putting you last.

You need therapy too OP and you have to make the time for it. You can’t trust your gut/subconscious as posters are saying until you aren’t in hyper-vigilant mode.

I would also want to know what your DH therapy was and why he had such an angry reaction to a crying baby. You deserve to understand why he was that way and how he is now safe. He can give permission for you to meet his therapist and be told a synopsis of what the issue was. I know many women don’t believe in it, but some men do get post partum depression or psychosis in the first year after a baby is born. Contrary to popular belief it’s not just caused by women’s hormones from childbirth. He should be able to explain to you what caused his reaction to a baby crying and how therapy has helped him.

You getting therapy for your issues isn’t making his past problem your problem because he’s already gotten the therapy. It’s for you to assess with a therapist then and now and get a clear outside view on whether he really has addressed whatever the mental issue was that caused that crisis.

Not necessarily. Certain sounds, smells, and/or situations can be triggers for certain mental health conditions. There’s not enough information to know whether it was within his control at that time. It certainly is now because he’s gotten therapy and has put the work into developing tools and coping mechanisms such that a crying baby doesn’t cause that kind of reaction.

We haven’t heard whether his behaviour was abusive. Being angry by itself isn’t abusive. It depends on what he said or did while angry.

I would very much agree with the suggestion of asking to speak directly, one on one, to his therapist. I spoke to my STBXH's therapist before deciding upon a divorce and it was a really valuable conversation. In my case it helped me to realise what couldn't be changed. It has also given me more insight into STBXH's needs / capacities as build a co-parenting relationship.

he’s gotten therapy and has put the work into developing tools and coping mechanisms such that a crying baby doesn’t cause that kind of reaction.

Did he put the work in, or did the babies just grow up?