Can I move on after feeling unsafe with my husband

[NameChangeForAnonymity123]

I have 2 children under 5. I have been with my DH for 10 years and married for 7. Before kids everything was lovely and honestly he was the nicest guy with no red flags. As soon as I had my first child (literally the day we got back from hospital) it was like a switch was flipped and the anger he felt towards a crying baby was terrifying. I couldn’t leave the baby with him for any time at all and would have her with me even to go to the toilet or shower. I coped by entering a state of anxious hyper-vigilance.

This meant I had a year of minimal sleep and was just a ball of anxiety. He did lots of therapy and wanted to have a second baby to show he had changed. I had the second child with the idea that I would just leave him if it was the same but he did actually cope a lot better (and the second was actually a really easy baby who didn’t really cry). Since then he’s really stepped up and worked on himself and now the baby crying days are done he’s a wonderful dad and partner again.

My issue is I’m still stuck in fight or flight mode and my health has deteriorated and I don’t know what to do. I have a stressful job and still 2 young kids so there’s not really any time or money for gym memberships or therapy or extended time
to myself.

The kids are happy, he’s happy, everything else about my life is fine to an outsider perspective. I just can’t forgive him for leaving me in this awful hyper-vigilant, anxious, irritable state - I feel like I’ve protected everyone else from the consequences of his actions apart from me.

Can I move on from this?

OP said for second baby he was no longer reacting like that to crying. So yes and then also yes,

It does help and OP, your DH should be willing to arrange something.

What? Why is a therapist sharing insights into another client with you? That’s a massive breach without clients consent..even with it , it’s dodgy ground.

family intervention therapy with both there …yep

or have I misunderstood what you were trying to explain?

Never heard of therapists sharing info like this, I don’t think this is common and I suspect it would be entirely dismissed as an option by many therapists.

OP, what do you mean exactly, what would happen when the baby would cry?

Crying babies are tough but so are fighting and bickering children. When they’re a few years older, can you trust him to manage that without losing his shit?

I totally understand why you’ve stayed, I think he owes you a full explanation.

I thought the second baby just didn’t cry very much?
and the second was actually a really easy baby who didn’t really cry

You have misunderstood. You can give permission for your therapist to talk to your husband/wife about your diagnosis, the therapy you had and your prognosis. Prior to this, you and therapist would discuss what they will tell your husband/wife and what you’re not comfortable discussing. You can choose to be there or not, that is your choice too. It’s the same as any medical information. You have control over it being shared. If OP’s husband has well and truly addressed whatever caused the issue with the first newborn, and he wants his wife to feel safe and understand the why and how, he should be open to arranging this.

Obviously they cried less as is typical for second babies. But I don’t think there is a baby that NEVER cries. OP said it was both…perhaps second baby also cried less because DH wasn’t getting angry. Babies are sensitive to the emotions of the adults around them.

The patient has to request it. It isn’t common, but there is nothing wrong with it. Especially when the patient’s mental health has affected the relationship, it’s good to have a professional explain exactly what is caused by the mental health condition and what is not. As is often said on here is it depression or just being a dickhead? Is it ADHD or being lazy and uncaring? Is it OCD or being controlling?

In answer to PP asking what work he did…He did lots of CBT, got super noise cancelling headphones for every room, he’s never denied it was a huge issue and has never tried to diminish my feelings on the issue. He’s still putting the work in now and is very supportive and hands on.

if I’m being honest in spite of all the work he did the main help was just the babies growing up. Bickering toddlers doesn’t seem to be the same ‘trigger’ and he will get a bit angry with them but only within ‘normal limits’ of exasperated ‘go to bed’ shouted up stairs.

Thanks to PP who have had lots of really helpful insight and suggestions

Was it misphonia then? You mention noise cancelling headphones and CBT those are classic for this neurological and sensory processing condition.

He never hurt either child but this was only because I was always there to remove them from the situation (or at least this is how it felt to me). He says he would never have hurt them but he doesn’t think I’m exaggerating how I felt about it and admits he would INSTANTLY lose his temper with crying. Other than the very obvious trigger he never worked out why he reacted so strongly. With the first baby they would wake at night Instantly screaming loudly which was tough as i basically didn’t sleep for 9 months or so due to hypervigilance of always having to wake and settle baby before he woke up - he slept in a different room but the walls were thin. Second baby would wake calmer and was much less of a crier

I still don’t think that the fact that he was so much improved when the first child was much older and the second child much calmer is proof that he has put the work into developing tools and coping mechanisms such that a crying baby doesn’t cause that kind of reaction.
His coping mechanisms to deal with the particular circumstance of a fractious, crying newborn, which was what seemed to ‘flip a switch’, haven’t really been put to the test, as the same situation hasn't arisen again.

I think it was a bit misophonia but then there was definitely anger towards the child making the noise. There was also anger towards the baby for being so difficult for me to settle and for my lack of sleep (obviously this just made everything 100 x worse).

the reason I’m starting this thread now when it’s been nearly 2 years since the last ‘incident’ is that I am STILL on edge and just still so burnt out by it. I’m sure the advice of EDMR / time off work / etc. are all sensible it’s just about where to start. Or if all of that will be a waste of time and I can never get past it?

Well OP has listed CBT and noise cancelling plus taking it seriously and not minimising his reaction so I don’t think you have any basis to declare the same situation of a crying newborn has not arisen. A calmer baby isn’t a non crying, silent baby. So the same situation has happened, just not as often.

the anger he felt towards a crying baby was terrifying

What did he actually do? What was so terrifying? If he shouted, raged, made threats, or seemed as though he might resort to violence, I don't think there would - or should - be any getting past that. A man who was such a threat to your tiny baby that you were terrified to leave him with it, who couldn't even be trusted to just remove himself from the situation and leave the baby safely in their cot, is not a good partner or a safe person.

If he got furious and stormed off because he 'couldn't handle it' I wouldn't think much of him, but that does seem surmountable if he acknowledges just how unacceptable and harmful his behaviour was.

I think the only way to properly move on is to process how you felt, which, if you stay with him, ideally should involve you telling him exactly how he made you feel, how much of an immense, long-term impact it's had on you, and having him accept and acknowledge that he is responsible for you feeling that way.

He needs to validate your experience, take responsibility, and attempt to make amends and repair the situation in some meaningful way - perhaps in making sure that he looks after the children by himself once or twice a week, specifically so you can have time to yourself to work on regulating your system and healing, however you find most effective?

I think it was a bit misophonia but then there was definitely anger towards the child

When confronted with specific "trigger" stimuli, people with misophonia experience a range of negative emotions, most notably anger, extreme irritation, disgust, anxiety, and sometimes rage.[8] The emotional response is often accompanied by a range of physical symptoms (e.g., muscle tension, increased heart rate, and sweating) that may reflect activation of the fight-or-flight response.

Yes, OP go and get therapy. It’s never a waste of time. You need it because it has impacted you and you are suffering.

He won’t be put to the test again as he’s had the snip. Even if he never got control over his reaction to crying babies he did put the time in in therapy.

I just feel very resentful due to how hard I had to work to keep the children cared for / step up at work / protect him from stress / never have 5 mins away from the baby / no sleep. I had hoped by now after him stepping up for 2 years I would be putting it behind me but I’m still mentally and emotionally in that same place

No, don’t tell this to him, this is for your therapist. You can’t expect him to be your therapist. It’s not going to help you or him.

To be fair he is doing / willing to do all these things.

If I started e.g. Wednesday night therapy he would have the kids no problem and pay for it, etc.

Either way this ends I think I definitely see the need to get myself Some therapy

Then you need to make time for therapy like your DH did. Therapy isn’t just to fix what is wrong with us, it is also to help us process and move on from the wrongs done to us. I had five years of therapy to help after I was a victim of a stabbing attack.

Just do it. And if you don’t like the first therapist, get a different one. Keep looking until you find one that listens and has helpful things to say.

You were under years of 24/7 high alert. That kind of stress is a serious thing. Regardless or whether the threat was really that high or not as high as you perceived, our bodies and minds react exactly the same. It’s the unknown of it all. Your resentment for how those years should have been is totally understandable. You won’t regret talking to a therapist and getting this all out there.

I think if you have never experienced it you don't really understand how frightening that immense anger can be. It isn't that the person is verbally threatening physical harm (in my case - close family member - I would have been able to hold my own physically even if they did have a go) but there is an overwhelming feeling that the person is completely out of control and is directing all their animus at you (or at your vulnerable newborn baby in the OP's case). It is terrifying. After the incident I had I was explaining it to a therapist and saying that logically I knew I wasn't in physical danger but every single ancient cell in my body was screaming at me that I was. She told me she has once or twice felt it in therapy - logically she knew the person was not going to attack her but she knew there was something deeply aggressive and out of control in the room with her.

Agreed. It is terrifying. And the longer it goes on, the more our brain gets stuck in that state of being hyper vigilant even when things are going great and needs help to break out of it. I’m not a psychologist or any kind of professional, but as a patient, this kind long term fear can lead to cPTSD.