Husband caught with drugs again and I am planning divorce

[Vamoosh80]

Bear with me MN community as I try and articulate this.
Been married for 16 years. Two children, 12 and 9.
About 5 years ago I posted on here about finding a bag of cocaine on my driveway. It was 830 in the morning and my husband, when confronted said it was a one off, he'd been struggling etc. Said he'd felt suicidal etc. I helped him at the time.
Fast forward to now. No particular concerns since the last "one off" event. But I walked into the kitchen a week ago to find him with a rolling pin and a bag of powder, crushing it down. He immediately barged past me to get rid of it out of the the house and spend two hours lying about what it was. Initially tried to tell me it is was "German energy powder". He then said it was amphetamine he'd got from the dark web after feeling concerned about extreme fatigue and he was preparing it as a precaution rather than planning to take it. He was about to leave to pick up our kids from their grandparents.
I know the answer here but is there any chance he's not a complete addict who's had a problem since I caught him out the first time? I'm quietly planning a divorce. I am the bigger earner and the house is mine so it's not about assets, I just feel like a dick, especially when he is still saying these two times I caught him out were isolated incidents. I don't care about the marriage now - that's over - but how do I discredit his crap?

Why do you need to discredit it? He isn’t going to be honest with you. You already know what’s going on, and are planning an exit strategy. Focus on you and your children, as this man will drag you all down. I wish you all the best 💐

Once someone is sneakily doing drugs you’ve got a problem. If he’s been doing it regularly you probably would have noticed signs - moodiness, possibly staying up late, missing money?

Well he is incredibly unlucky if he’s tried it two times only and he’s been caught by you both times. Do you really believe that? Even clueless teenagers manage not to get caught every single time they do drugs, but yet this grown man can’t manage it 🤔 He's taking you for an absolute mug.

How often did he go to his GP about his “fatigue”? Was he off work?

As someone’s that had actual extreme fatigue where I struggled to move from my bed to the sofa over a period of months and literally had to have blood and iron infusions, not once did I think “oh let’s get some drugs online to help things”

I have heard of the dark web but don’t even know how people access it. It’s worrying if he’s on that - you find all sorts of disturbing things apparently.

On the balance of probabilities, yes, he’s probably taken a lot more drugs than just the two times he’s been caught.

You could tear through his phone, bank accounts, personal possessions etc. for more proof but I don’t think you need it. Bringing amphetamines onto the house with two children is enough grounds for divorce imo.

If it needs to be said, OP, I'm probably a lot more tolerant of recreational drugs than most MN posters, but bloody hell, a couple of times as a kid is one thing, but a middle-aged man acting like that? Get your ducks in order.

They will lie massively if addicts. He’s been caught twice and clearly tried to hide the evidence, so this is not a one off, but I’m sure you know this deep down.

I was completely unaware of my ex’s habit despite all the evidence in front of me. So obvious when I look back. What health issues does he have? Is he secretive about his money?

Supposedly, it’s a very common reason why wives are divorcing their middle age husbands according to my friend who works in a solicitors.

It doesn’t help that it is so easy to buy. As easy as ordering pizza delivery.

His excuse for having these drugs are absurd - suicidal so he thought he'd buy cocaine when cocaine greatly increases the risk of suicidal thoughts? Extreme fatigue so his answer is to buy speed when speed is known to increase feelings of exhaustion and fatigue after it wears off? If they were true you should get the marriage annulled on the basis he's so thick he couldn't possibly have been able to consent.

I don't think that means he's necessarily an addict or taking drugs particularly regularly but highly unlikely it was only the two times and he will obviously do it again at some point, whatever he tells you. So if drugs are a line in the sand for you, you need to leave.

Amphetamine will fuck him up physically and mentally.
Ex user of 20yrs.
After the high comes the crash.

You know the answer to this OP, much better than anyone else.
You don't need to discredit it, just know your truth and move forward.

if you are in the UK, the equity in the house may well be yours in name but on divorce it will go into the pot to be shared

I imagine OP is keen to prove he is a drug addict (if he is) as she’s not keen to let the children be alone with him if he is

I don’t know the answer but wonder if there is a way to make him get tested

I’d consider calling social services OP, and I really don’t say that lightly. They deal with drug addicts every day and will know how to get him tested, investigate him properly etc. It sounds like he was about to drive your kids under the influence of drugs. A CP plan that stops him being alone with them or driving them could help you out.

Can’t comment much on the drugs but it’s likely the last ‘one off’ wasn’t a one off. The rather defensive and gaslighting now rather than actual talking about problems would suggest this is more than a one off

re the house as someone upthread said if you are in England or wales the house is a joint marital asset regardless of whose name it is in. Other countries will have different divorce laws.

how can something that happens more than once be an isolated incident?

Recreational cocaine use is rife round my area. Someone taking it in their house secretly alone isn't using it recreationally and has a major issue. Obviously everyone starts using it recreationally mostly and then the addiction starts, so it isn't worth the risk. Yes I think he clearly has an issue and sounds like you're doing the right thing.

How long does cocaine stay in the blood or urine? Can you ask him to submit to a drugs test?

How long is his hair? Can you get one and send it for testing?

Or can you not do that but tell him you have and ask him if there’s anything he wants to tell you before the results come back?

I'd want him immediately out of the house and away from my children. Hopefully he hasn't told any of his dealers exactly where you all live. If he is willing then maybe take him to the doctors and get him a referral for rehab. You may well have to pay privately though as there are long waits for these.

He’s an addict. He will lie. It’s what they do

you’ve caught him twice

this has def happened many more times

so yes next step divorce

my dh or now ex dh is an addict but an alcoholic and the amount of times he has lied to me over the years and sworn sober even been drinking

they will swear black is white and gas light you into believing them

Well Pharmacy apparently sell drug tests for coke and amphetamines so you could buy one today and pee test him?

drug taking is absolutely rife in many areas, with cocaine being the most prevalent where i am (apparently). It can even get delivered. like it was just a pizza or something.

they have alternative is to grass him in. Maybe that would put the fear of god in him? Although he could end up with a criminal record and sacked for gross misconduct because of that record though. So im not sure that’s a good outcome. Especially if you want rid of him as he will need to be able to rent a flat so needs an income.

the house and all debts and savings will likely be split as it’s community property between you both so make sure you dont let him rack up debt as you'll end up hit with half.
eg he thinks he will buy a new car soon, tell him “no just wait a few months” or whatever you need to say to put him off as you need a separation agreement first you dont want to be taking on half his car debt prior to finances beimg agreed as he drives off.

get ducks in a row. all his p60, pension, policies, bank details etc info as you will need it and you dont want it hidden from you as you want half of his stuff if hes getting half of yours.

I don’t want to worry you but this may well be about assets if he decides to go after a share out of the divorce. Just because it’s your house doesn’t mean he won’t be entitled to a share of matrimonial assets. If he has lived in your house as a family home then you could potentially have a problem. I’d get proper legal advice .

the house is mine

You’ve been married for 16 years. Are you in the UK?

But no, I’d say there is zero chance that this is two isolated incidents. I’d divorce him as well.

This. Was he about to drive, rather than walk round to the DGPs? I’d be divorcing him because drug use is a line that I will not have crossed, but you need to protect your DC.

Police/authorities monitor the dark web (in spite of the secrecy and alleged anonymity) does your husband even use a vpn? If he’s been receiving Class A drugs in the post you could be at risk of the upheaval of a visit and a search. Which will be traumatic for you and the kids. I can only suggest you make sure every last trace of everything is out of the house, he’s potentially got a stash somewhere

Sadly the amount of recreational cocaine use in this country is huge.
Monitoring of Benzoylecgonine in 12 months spanning 24-25(the chemical the body releases after breaking cocaine down). across 28 percent of England’s population and 46% of Scotlands found 123 tonnes in the system. with major spikes at weekends .
This fits with my first hand knowledge of cocaine being the drug of choice amongst the 30 something young professionals all the way to the early retired 60 year olds. The use seems limited to attending ‘events’ such as weddings and big parties. Where it appears to be a given that someone will ‘get the Charlie’ in the same way that in times past they would have ensured that champagne was present.

Again from lived experience, I believe it’s entirely possible your DH only has a recreational habit because I can assure you - there is no way you could miss a full on coke addiction spanning more than a year. Unless his recreational use has just moved into this phase. In which case the signs are

Money - cash withdrawals at £200 + a time. Look for weekend withdrawals and amounts. Once moved into full on addiction, finances will implode with cocaine buying prioritised over essential bills.
Disposition. Very happy, Garalous charming, funny whilst high. Increased sex drive but often impotent when it come to it. Afterwards, snappy , short tempered. Volatile.

If he’s been at an event or going to one then probably recreational use. If not, more of a worry.

Just one more thing to advise. You mentioned being the higher earner and house in your name. I hope you realise that any marriage longer than 7 years is regarded as a long marriage, where all assets including a house go into the marital assets pot and that pot is then divided based on need. His ‘need’ could be greater than yours if his earning capacity is less. Child arrangements will almost certainly be 50/50. A court won’t entertain allegations of cocaine use without a charge. It will be you word against his. A family court judge could order a hair strand test but the evidence would have to be compelling x

You say “the house is mine” but is it legally ring fenced as yours? Usually in a divorce it will be considered a marital asset, regardless of who paid for it or whose name is on the mortgage or the deeds.

I had to split up from a coke addled ex and it was heartbreaking. I loved him but he could not quit the coke and it affected him dreadfully. You also have DC to consider.

Good luck.