Am I unreasonable to feel pressured by my partner’s expectations around sex?

[AppleAndBannans]

I’m can’t believe I’m writing this, but here goes. I’m male 54 divorced 3 years ago , I’m seeing a woman 55, separated for 3 years after a 20+ year marriage, we have been seeing each other for almost 9 months now and everything is going fine, we date, stay over, I’ve met her kids etc all good, the only thing am I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not is the amount of sex we have, we don’t live together and don’t plan to right now
we probably stay over twice a week ( hers and mine), her expectations seem to be that we have as much sex as possible; when we go to bed and then during the night and again in the morning if possible - this is too much for me, I simply can’t “perform” and I feel like I’m being pressured ( and punished) if I can’t do it

the last few years of her marriage were sexless and I know she is hyper aware of that and somehow equates a good relationship with having almost constant sexual activity ( I don’t) -
I’m don’t really know what I’m asking here, but I feel her expectations around sex are somehow linked to her feelings of self worth, I know this sounds weird ( or not ) , but I’d like a bit less sex - to the point now where I’ve completed stopped initiation as I know I don’t need to!
so I suppose my question is around how do I explain this with out coming across as rejecting her

all advice welcome 🙏

Absolutely this. Many men experienced a drop in sex drive as well as needing longer recovery time when they’re in their 50s compared to when they were younger. It’s a natural part of the ageing process.

I’m 56 (female) and in a relatively new relationship with a 58 year old man. This is the first new physical relationship for both of us in 15-20 years and it’s been an eye-opening experience finding out how things have changed now we’re older.

We were actually a couple in our early 20s (and had a fling in our 30s) before settling down with other people and no contact for 20+ years. So we have a history and we’ve had to have some open discussions about how differently our bodies work (and look) now compared to all those years ago. He is no longer Mr As Many Times As Possible Per Night and is more Mr 3-4 Times Per Week. It’s not just about being physically capable but also his libido is lower and if he’s had a few too many drinks, his mind is willing but writes cheques that his body can’t cash (until the next morning anyway). That was never an issue when we were younger regardless of how much he/we drank. But we’re actually much closer than we ever were all those years ago and our maturity and openness with each other (about everything, not just sex) is next level. Yes we have less sex than we did back in our 20s but the sex we have now is incredible and we are both incredibly happy together. Ideally I would have liked more sex but I’ve adjusted my expectations without making him feel bad about his change in libido. It is what it is. We’re both in great shape for our ages but we’re not spring chickens. We feel secure with each other and have sex to connect and it’s about that rather than the baggage of old relationships and proving we’re still desirable.

They have been together only 9 months! Three times a night a few nights a week is nothing in those early days. Most guys would be loving this. He definitely has a libido on the lower end of norm for a man.

I've been on the other side of that. My ex was older than me and came into the relationship wanting lots of sex. Presented himself as 'anytime, anywhere'. But he wasn't really. And he hated me wanting a lot more sex than him. I appreciate that some of it was physical limitations. But some of it was also damaging to his ego. It kind of affected his idea of himself as a virile man. He made comments about relationships not being built on adventurous sex. But contradicted himself by saying sex was the bedrock of a good relationship.

So I think before you talk to her about it, be certain that your perspective is genuinely that you can't keep up (keep it up?), and not that you resent her leading and not allowing you to.

I do wonder about this. In my past very passionate relationship, an orgasm was an orgasm. Lovely if through PIV but also good without (oral, hands, toys).

Apples and Bannans? Did you mean bananas or are you a Sheffield Wednesday fan? 🦉🦉

I’m not sure what you want from this thread, op?

You say that you fear she'd feel rejected if you reveal in discussions exactly how you feel. Yet if you don't have an honest discussion, your negative emotions involving this area will worsen.

Explain how when there are differences between a couple concerning sex, that a consensus must be reached where each gives in a little, with her accepting a bit less and you giving into it a bit more. You'll have to figure out what that sort of comprising ends up being.

But do explain how the dynamic is already affecting you, how you used to enjoy the intrigue of initiating and that it now being a given takes that specialness away. And then if she has had facial expressions showing disappointment or has said things when you're not meeting her expectations, that that's going to tarnish what's supposed to be one of the greatest joys in life.

If there is no improvement given time during an attempted tweaking period, then yes, you're wrong for each other. Being incompatible in the area of intimacy is, as you're seeing, too often upsetting, frustrating, etc. You can't live like that when this is a weekly ongoing issue. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

At 24 maybe at 54, 3 times a night for a man would be expecting a lot.

Me and my partner have high libidos but I think even for him 3 times might be enough. At the start we did do it a lot like a lot of new couples but now we are every night and morning together. However we do go couple weeks without seeing each other cause of his job. You need to speak to her cause the guilt tripping isn’t right at all. If this was reversed roles people would be saying he’s a sex pest xx

One is a young adult at uni the other is an older teen - we are careful and make the teen is at fathers

Excuse my bluntness - but you clearly don’t know anything about how men age

I like her “leading” as you put it - it’s a very refreshing change from my marriage, and its nice to actually feel wanted and not ignored

Just have an honest conversation.

I hope things work out well.

Three times in 24 hours sounds a lot for anyone!!

That’s good then

It's not nice to think about it, but this is such a fundamentally important compatibility issue that it's probably going to be the breaking of your relationship. The resentment or discomfort is only going to worsen with time. She obviously has a higher sex drive.

Yes THIS. She does and it will be miserable for you both the longer you go. You might think your sex drive is normal but if a woman the same age as you wants sex more than you and she has 1/10th the T levels you do....well. Men lose only 1% a year in T after age 30. There is nothing wrong with having a lower libido than the average man. But don't impose it on her. Find someone else with the same libido. There should be plenty in your 50s.

She’s been in a long term sexless marriage she’s probably unsure what a normal amount of sex is. And to be fair it differs for most couples. Maybe a quick chat about if she plans to have this much sex long term as you feel it’s unsustainable for you. If she’s the right one she will stick it out and work through it with you, like you say she might have self worth issues and a gentle conversation might put her mind at rest. Obvs tell her it’s great etc don’t put her off.

There is nothing suggesting he has a lower sec drive than the average man and you know it. Your faux friendly post drips in obvious nastiness.

he sounds absolutely normal and average in his sex drive.

You really are a piece aren’t you.