I would like to go no contact with parents, but don't want to be a jerk.

[MyBluntWriter]

I'll make this short. I have a difficult relationship with my parents for various reasons - mostly un interest on their part, completely different value systems (me walking away from their religion and what they wanted for me career and life wise), emotional immaturity on their part, and hurt on my part.

I vacillate between thinking that they truly do care for me and wanting their approval, to wanting nothing to do with them.

I want to go low contact, but we live in the same city. I don't want to be a jerk, but I also just want to avoid their toxicity and how they make me feel when I'm around them (invisible, unloveable, and not important.) I'd like to have an honest conversation about how their behaviour makes me feel, but I've tried that my whole life and it goes nowhere.

My avoidance of them will likely come as a surprise as I've tried to be intentional about spending time with them (that backfired). For example, I used to invite them regularly to my kids sports activities. I know that they will ask to come again, but I no longer want them to. Me making excuses and saying no will likely create tension.

What do I do then?

Talk to them about how you feel, and what you want them to change. Explain you want to be with them, but (for example) posting photos of your kids all over socials is upsetting you. Explain clearly and politely why, and ask if they can stick to that even if they feel you're exaggerating the dangers.
Do that for every issue, and give them the chance to explain their views. If there's a view you can be flexible on (say they expect you to do their cleaning, or whatever, when you're too busy), say what you are willing to do, for example, if they'd been in hospital, you will organise a cleaner to go round.

I could have written this OP - except for the part about children. My parents never forgave me for being child free by choice. There was no huge family fall out. I just gradually retreated further and further into a different social world. We had different views, tastes and values. I stopped going to the big family get togethers and I'm sure i was never missed.

The process completed when I moved to another city. Just a gradual ghosting.

Just start pulling back and shutting down gradually. If they notice and ask you what’s wrong tell them what they need to change to make you feel better.

You might prefer to post this here as these people are experiencing similar to you:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5571390-august-2026-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

You can find the previous threads titled the same too.

How old are they and how old are your kids? Do they and the kids enjoy each other's company? I'd say if so, not to do wrong by that connection and keep that going. Do they ever take your kids places or watch them while you have other plans? If all that's good, I'd just be dropping them off or occasionally ask them to watch your kids, of course not so much as to take advantage, and then you don't stick around with your parents while dropping the children off or picking them up.

There are plenty of books on establishing boundaries, so before you try the low or no contact, I suggest reading one of those books from the library, or read some online articles on the subject. You can try teaching people how to treat you by ending a phone call or a visit if their subject matter is upsetting, or tone, or behavior, etc. Don't engage in arguments. Just leave their company for that moment or ask them to leave. They will learn over repetitiveness that to retain your presence, they need to treat you with respect and be pleasant. Good luck and let us know how it goes.