My situation is stupidly complicated but here goes, please be gentle. We have had a traditional marriage, I stayed home with our DS and DD, over the years DH became a high earner working away a lot and very long hours so we only saw him on weekends - I could write a book with the endless excuses and broken promises. By late 2019 I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, caught whooping cough, Covid early 2020, then diagnosed with menopause and long covid. On top of which we were shielding for DS. I thought having DH at home 24/7 would mean he would pitch in. I could not have been more wrong.
In 2021, I barely got dressed and was so ill after covid boosters, DH did not support me, he seemed angry that long covid made be so nauseous I couldn't tolerate even the smell or thought of coffee, alcohol or food. I existed on water, milk, toast and porridge for over 3 months. Family life became fractious with screen time allowances, switching off the WIFI because DS was addicted etc. The kids would call DH at work so he would call me to reprimand me after they'd had over 4hours and still not done any homework by bedtime.
In 2022 DD (14) started hanging out with the wrong crowd and getting into weed and alcohol. She would leave the house after 10pm even though I said, no. She wouldnt answer her phone, I'd go out in the car trying to find her but she would call DH and get him to 'rescue' her. He would then stand between us - as though she needed protecting. My relationship with DD was previously very close, it then became intolerable. Her GCSE grades weren't enough to keep her place at the 6th form she'd got into. I'd always had to be the bad cop while DH became the pacifist cop, so the situation escalated to the point where we nearly lost her. DH and I could not seem to be on the same page even when we tried marriage counselling and family counselling. All of which devastated me but tried to put my usual brave face on it. Early 2022 I had a bad fall walking down a steep hill, and it was only discovered 8 months ago that the excruciating shoulder pain and loss of movement I'd been walking around with was a partially dislocated shoulder (GP, 2x physios and 2x osteopaths did not spot).
Late 2022 DH then went behind my back with DS and DD and rented a place - to help DD get to a better place and reunite the family. This was meant to be a temporary measure for 6 months but 1yr max. While DH 'fixed things' but it became like a frat house. Now I sit here nearly over 3yrs later still in this limbo of a life with him having spent 2/3rds of our savings on this rental. During this time his idea of getting the family reunited has consisted of creating drama between me and DS and DD, both of whom I have a much better relationship with now they're adults and can see through it all.
In essence after over 28yrs together I'm realising that my husband is a narcissist. He has been much worse since his father died of cancer in 2020 - when I discovered just how much FIL had infantilised DH. There have been a multitude of other issues and dramas that have dragged this out until now, mainly him endlessly putting things off.
Has anyone divorced an avoidant spouse and have any advice? I didn't want to be the bad cop anymore but waiting for him has not worked and I've reached the point of no return.