After 28 years together, how do I divorce an avoidant spouse?

[FormidableMizzP]

My situation is stupidly complicated but here goes, please be gentle. We have had a traditional marriage, I stayed home with our DS and DD, over the years DH became a high earner working away a lot and very long hours so we only saw him on weekends - I could write a book with the endless excuses and broken promises. By late 2019 I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, caught whooping cough, Covid early 2020, then diagnosed with menopause and long covid. On top of which we were shielding for DS. I thought having DH at home 24/7 would mean he would pitch in. I could not have been more wrong.

In 2021, I barely got dressed and was so ill after covid boosters, DH did not support me, he seemed angry that long covid made be so nauseous I couldn't tolerate even the smell or thought of coffee, alcohol or food. I existed on water, milk, toast and porridge for over 3 months. Family life became fractious with screen time allowances, switching off the WIFI because DS was addicted etc. The kids would call DH at work so he would call me to reprimand me after they'd had over 4hours and still not done any homework by bedtime.

In 2022 DD (14) started hanging out with the wrong crowd and getting into weed and alcohol. She would leave the house after 10pm even though I said, no. She wouldnt answer her phone, I'd go out in the car trying to find her but she would call DH and get him to 'rescue' her. He would then stand between us - as though she needed protecting. My relationship with DD was previously very close, it then became intolerable. Her GCSE grades weren't enough to keep her place at the 6th form she'd got into. I'd always had to be the bad cop while DH became the pacifist cop, so the situation escalated to the point where we nearly lost her. DH and I could not seem to be on the same page even when we tried marriage counselling and family counselling. All of which devastated me but tried to put my usual brave face on it. Early 2022 I had a bad fall walking down a steep hill, and it was only discovered 8 months ago that the excruciating shoulder pain and loss of movement I'd been walking around with was a partially dislocated shoulder (GP, 2x physios and 2x osteopaths did not spot).

Late 2022 DH then went behind my back with DS and DD and rented a place - to help DD get to a better place and reunite the family. This was meant to be a temporary measure for 6 months but 1yr max. While DH 'fixed things' but it became like a frat house. Now I sit here nearly over 3yrs later still in this limbo of a life with him having spent 2/3rds of our savings on this rental. During this time his idea of getting the family reunited has consisted of creating drama between me and DS and DD, both of whom I have a much better relationship with now they're adults and can see through it all.

In essence after over 28yrs together I'm realising that my husband is a narcissist. He has been much worse since his father died of cancer in 2020 - when I discovered just how much FIL had infantilised DH. There have been a multitude of other issues and dramas that have dragged this out until now, mainly him endlessly putting things off.

Has anyone divorced an avoidant spouse and have any advice? I didn't want to be the bad cop anymore but waiting for him has not worked and I've reached the point of no return.

I was initially going to reply differently until I read that you are "at the point of no return".

If you are so certain, all you can do is start the divorce process.

I have a fair idea of finances, we have property, bank accounts, savings and insurances in both names.
We both have Wills covering kids and above.
We both have pensions.
Cars are in my name (he wouldn't drive);
We have joint bank account, savings and a credit card.
Our life pre covid was insanely busy, the family home during covid had become cluttered with stuff, old clothes, uniform, new desks, etc. Instead of sorting it out, they left and recreated the same in their rental. DH promised to return every w/end to sort - it never happened.
Over these 3+yrs I've been busy renovating our BTL, repairs to family home, teaching the kids to drive and helping Dad look after Mum now with late stage Dementia.
I'm now mid-declutter and doing repairs in the family home, looking after our 10yr old pets while trying to find work. When DH found out I was doing all theses tip runs he texted 'I hope nothing anyone would miss' !!!

I think it sounds like he feels like he kept his side of the bargain by being the bread winner and you haven’t played your part in being available and raising the children well . Not saying that’s right but it sounds like you started off having an old fashioned marriage and it’s gone pear shaped . The fact he’s been ‘ so absent ‘ yet the children still want to be with him makes me think there’s more to this story.

This is totally unfair. He went to work and I did absolutely everything else. I was totally available and sacrificed my career to do so because he was regularly travelling long haul for work, it made the juggle impossible.
I looked after the kids, did all the school stuff, activities, all family organisation, birthdays, presents, holidays, trips, housekeeping, gardening, all the driving, all the home maintenance, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, pet care etc etc. All he had to do was put his plate in the dishwasher and switch it on - which rarely happened. Aged 7 and 9 our kids stunned us all when they told his parents that DH was my 3rd child - 'from the mouths of babes'.

I’m so pleased that you can now see a way out, and 60 is nothing compared to 30 more years of this shit show of a marriage. When I read posts like this I feel really strongly that women shouldn’t feel that they have to put up with relationships like this, so well done for being strong and please do make this change.
you deserve better, and you kids need to see that you do too!

Just file for divorce and take one step at a time.
I left my disastrous marriage with young children over 30 years ago and once sorted I've never regretted it, despite him trying to muck up my new life. I have never clapped eyes on him since my daughter graduated many years ago
.Start a new life for yourself. it can be done!

It wasn't so much that the children wanted to be with DH and not me, they wanted bigger bedrooms. (My DD does stay with me). Their rooms in the family home are single rooms. He had been giving them his CC to order new furniture, clothes etc. to stop the complaining, but with no obligation/agremeent to get rid of their old stuff it just made the situation 10x worse. The family counsellor told us, DH was paying to make the difficult stuff go away instead of dealing with it.

I don't understand why you didn't get divorced a few years ago and also don't understand what you are asking?

It seems you did everything at home while he was the breadwinner? Worked really hard and long hours? Then you fell ill and he didn't support you as much as he should have? Then you fell out even more over your treatment of your daughter and he rented somewhere else to get away from the difficult situation at home? And you are still there?

Why haven't you started divorce proceedings yet?

I really hope you’re just a troll being inflammatory because this is one of the most astonishingly unsympathetic and nasty posts I’ve ever read.

OP was chronically unwell and literally still did everything. She did not fail to raise her children properly because they had difficult periods in their teens! It’s so easy to equate going to work and earning money as somehow the same as the multiple 24/7 jobs of cook, cleaner, mother etc that come with being a SAHM with no help or support at all and with all the organisational burdens that come with education and home ownership and paying the bills and making sure things run smoothly.

Marriage and parenthood are partnerships and to suggest that it’s sufficient to go to work and earn a pay check and abdicate responsibility for anything and everything else is an appropriate way for a husband to behave and then to stand over his broken wife whose been spinning too many plates for too long and to call her a failure is insanity

Ultimately it doesn’t matter who did or didn’t do what

all that matters is the assets available to split. You’ll be entitled to a fair share which could be more or less than 50% of the total pot. . You may or not get an element of spousal support depending on what assets there are and what income your husband has.

file for divorce and get the ball rolling.

Drop all the emotional phrases and thoughts and just concentrate on the practicalities for now. You can revisit the emotions in therapy once you are through this process if you need to. If you don't you will end up emotionally, mentally and physically worse so just shove it all to one side for now.

Do a one off consultation with a solicitor.
Start protecting any savings by not having joint accounts.
Speak to CAB regarding benefits and rights including any help towards rentals. Some councils offer to pay the deposit for instance.
Find out what his and your assets are worth, house equity (get an EA in), savings, investments, expensive hobby equipment, pensions etc.

Then start decluttering and cleaning your house ready for selling.
Look on Rightmove and tweak your requirements, tweak again, and keep tweaking. Location,, bedrooms, garden size can and will change multiple times.

Good luck OP, I started divorce proceedings when over 60 with an unstable job, it's tough but doable but I would have been sunk if I'd not blocked out the emotion.

I’m a little confused so at the moment you’re in the family home alone and they’ve moved out to a rental property?
I would start filling in the forms for divorce online. The family/marital home needs to be sold (unless he wants to move back in and buy you out).
Your children/young adults have chosen to go with their Dad because of bigger bedrooms? Let them crack on, stop decluttering the family home if their stuff and just sort through your own possessions /clothes etc so you know what you have/will take with you.
First steps are always the hardest but I would get the online papers initiating a divorce filled in asap and then take each day as it comes.
You should be entitled to half the house, savings etc I would act now before anymore of your savings are spent on the rental.

He doesn't sound one bit avoidant.

He sounds hostile, aggressive, and unhinged.

You need a really good solicitor, (and you need to learn to advocate much more strenuously for yourself.)
Get a solicitor with the reputation of a bulldog.

You need to find all the financial records - amount of marital assets, debts, and dissipation of the joint assets etc. Your solicitor may well engage a forensic accountant to determine how much is available for division.

Change your will now, and whatever you do, don't tell him what you've done.

Take all the financial information to your shit hot solicitor.

The divorce is now your number one priority.

Hire a skip. Stop wasting time and energy with the tip runs.

Was the house in any way close to becoming "hoarded"? Exactly how much crap is there in it that requires so much disposal? And why are you doing repairs? Can you get tradesmen in to do whatever needs to be done? Is the house in a state of disrepair?

I'm asking this because it seems to me there's a side to the emotional / relationship problems here that hasn't been mentioned.

However, family court isn't interested in what led to the breakdown, in England and Wales at any rate, because no fault divorce is the law.

All you need is a really good solicitor and rhe financial info.

Do not file on your own using online forms, etc. Get a solicitor. Your H has shown initiative in spending family money already and he may well have money you don't know about or plans to keep on spending it.