Are these comments about women a red flag in my relationship?

[Terradelyssa]

This might sound like a weird one.

Been together with boyfriend going on 15 months. I'm mid forties, he's mid fifties. So far so good. Nothing bad really to speak of. We enjoy each other's company, share similar interests and sense of humour and looking to the future, talking about sharing a place.

I do have a niggle though. I don't want to say misogyny, but it's bugging me badly.

A couple of months back, he sent a GIF joke to me on WhatsApp showing a rather obese woman jumping off a yacht, causing a kind of tidal wave and then the yacht basically capsizing. I really didn't see the point of it at all. He said it was doing the rounds at work, I told him it was horrible and sexist to boot. He apologized for sending it.

The next incident was not long after that. We were out with his son and his girlfriend and he made a really crass joke about her breasts. She was wearing one of those tops that shows lots of side boob and the joke was about her always keeping abreast of fashion or something along those lines.

We all told him off but he couldn't see an issue.

Then last night we started watching an old series on iPlayer and one of the characters is commenting about a particular woman, thinking she is much younger, as in in her twenties and she is definitely in her fifties or later... She's a ghost by the way, it's also a comedy... and ghost lady is delighted to overhear this comment... and boyfriend says "NO WAAAYYYY would anyone think that. COME ONNNNNN!!! " Missing the joke in that moment and in my opinion, the tone in which he said it, being very nasty a nd derogatory.

Are these red flags?

If I’m honest I don’t find any of these things individually appalling, though none of them would make me crack a smile… but add them up and very quickly I’d be expecting crass comments and stupidity at every turn and that’s no way to live. Also I have a major issue with being with someone when I can’t stand any of their close friends (though at least he has some, not having any is a bad idea too).

I wouldn’t have any kind of showdown tbh, I’d just say I wasn’t feeling it. I wouldn’t expect it to go well.

You say you share a sense of humour when you clearly don’t.

Until recently, we did. Monty Python, Little Britain, really seemed to just click with him.

That poor woman was probably made to feel so uncomfortable by her boyfriend’s lecherous father. Gross.

It was the nasty mocking tone that completely missed the point of the scene. It was as if the female ghost was a real person he was referring to.

The breasts comment is horrendous.

Eeww Yes, horrible red flags
And I would call it misogyny.
And he's way too old for you.
You can do better.

Yes.
How did you meet? If it was OLD what were his age settings? I always see being unwilling to date someone your own age as a red flag in itself.

We met in a local pub.

Absolutely. I couldn't be with someone who was inappropriate with his son's GF. Poor girl.

Another vote for red flag.

I agree with pp who said he sounds a bit thick. He has a basic caveman attitude toward women and an underlying unkindness.

You might be able to overlook this with your rose tinted specs in the short term but further down the line when you’re in your 50s-60s and he’s even older, that will not be so easy.

The “obese woman” picture was awful and so was the comment about his son’s gf breasts. Yuck.

The age thing wasn’t necessarily bad if it was just that alone, but in the context of everything else yes it’s probably part of his misogyny.

I cut off a friendship with an old (female) friend who sent me a racist meme about Megan Markle the week of her and Harry’s wedding.

Now I don’t care for the royals or Harry or MM but the racism is not on.

I foolishly ignored it when a man I had started dating made a few fatphobic comments and he ended up being a total sleaze and misogynist who listened to red pill podcasts. I got out of that quickly.

He and any of his thick mates are a right catch. Chuck them back collectively with concrete boots. Any woman with any self respect for herself wouldn't want to be around these Tate types.

No one would blame you if that gave you the ick.

It would put me off, especially the fat phobic gif, that unkind, pointless sense of humour. The main problem is the intelligence disparity, that could be a dealbreaker long term. You're on a different wavelength to him

Interestingly he doesn't socialise with them. Says they're too judgey and underclass. But will banter on with them.

It really has killed any attraction I had for him. He's just as bad, if not worse, than his colleagues that he judges. I think he likes to feel superior.

Yeah it’s a bin him off from me. One of the things I like about DH is that I have never heard him comment on a woman’s appearance either positive or negative.

Oh I love this. That gives me hope. I know respectful men are out there.

Believe it or not, he has two daughters from a previous relationship. He thinks he is respectful!

How would he feel if one of his daughter’s partner’s father made a comment about his daughter’s breasts?

If my daughter told me her bf’s father made a comment like that, I’d be telling her to not see the father again and to have a good think about the long-term suitability of the relationship.

The fact that he didn't understand how inappropriate the comment about the GF's breast was - despite you and his own son (and the GF?) pointing this out shows sclerosis of his attitudes. This is not a man who can easily learn and change direction on being corrected.

Life is too short to spend it trying to train a misogynistic old walrus.

You are who you hang with.

Does he work in an entirely male dominated workplace?

I had an ex who worked in a garage. Only with men. This kind of thing was rife and he couldn't see why I, as a woman, wouldn't find it funny. He was actually not terribly bright either and attempts to explain why woman don't find sexist remarks amusing was met with 'but it's funny!'

It's a red flag.

Passing round any viral video makes you a dullard imo. Maybe ok if it is extremely and narrowly relevant to a previous conversation.

Those AI fat women ones though are the very worst. I've seen them myself and as a fat woman it not only makes me feel like the world is a cesspool but also makes me wonder what the person who writes the prompt to create the video is actually doing it for. I'm guessing engagement so that spyware can infest your phone while you're watching it. But the people who watch them and pass them on are presumably just thick and unpleasant. So in summary, yes.

Can you give him a leaflet? If he’s kind and loving and you feel compatible with him, maybe try writing him a leaflet explaining your culture. He might genuinely not know.

Wrong thread?

Or do you think being non-misogynistic is “a culture”?!