Feeling foolish after being misled by a man from my club

[creativepebble]

So I've been lurking for a while, and I really want to reach out to see if anybody else has experienced this sort of thing and who may be able to help me feel less alone and stupid.
Met this guy, literally a week ago (we're both in 50s, post divorce) at a sports club. Electric feelings, lots of flirting etc. We went for a (daytime) drink which was fun, then met for a walk yesterday. He was very complementary, very flirty, but I noticed he didn't ask much about me which was a red flag.
Back to his, and then cutting a very embarrassing and painful story short, it's clear he basically just wants a fuck buddy. He was rough with me and my body as we were fumbling, then I realised, then I left. Having a fuck buddy is fine but not for me, and not the impression I got. I am trying really hard not to feel too much of a dickhead for not reading the signs and being really gullible having romanticized things. It feels as if I basically threw myself at him, in fact, I did at the end, for shame...
It's been 7 years since I divorced and I was with someone for a year about 3 years ago, so I don't often date. I'm open to dating IRL not online, but this has really knocked my confidence. I'm finding it so hard to move past the feelings of being really objectified and played, and feel really angry with him, and myself for getting into this situation.
I know that I will see this man again at the club, and I will be able to rise above it I hope, but I feel like such a fool for completely fantasizing about a future with this person after a few days, I mean, that's ridiculous isn't it? I mean, how do you 'get over' things? How can I make myself more resilient? And where are the eligible, kind gentlemen?!?
Thank you.

I'm so sorry. That sounds like sexual assault, OP. Surely he could tell from your body language that you weren't happy with it?

Are you OK?

Did you stop him before anything happened? Was he OK with you leaving?

This actually sounds really scary :(

I’m glad you were able to leave when things turned out to be less than was offered. Bloody men.

There seem to be so many men OP who are like this: they have a sense of women who are more vulnerable and trusting and target them. They hide what they are really like until they manouver a situation to take advantage of them.
Please don't be ashamed because he turned out not to be who you thought he was. Just learn from the experience.

You met a week ago, had a drink once, went for a walk once and then ended up back at his. Did he really lead you on and give the wrong impression because it sounds to me like rushing back to his after barely knowing him was sort of him showing he was really only interested in the sex, and since you went with him, maybe he thought you wanted the same?

Once he started being rough, and you didn’t go along with it then he better have stopped? Did he? And let you go without trying to grab you or force anything further?

I think it’s important when you meet someone and start having dates that you be clear about what you want at the start, and don’t go home with them right away unless you’re willing to risk that it may be a once night stand for him.

The thing is that even if she was happy with a one night stand, obviously she wouldn't be happy with him being rough with her. He sounds really awful.

Whether it's a one-night stand or not, there's no need to victim blame.

Concentrate on your feelings of anger at him. He either had a plan from the very start an didn't tell you, or, took advantage of you in a situation when he thought he could get away with it. Neither of those are very nice!

I think it is different if you are deliberately dating either IRL or online as it is easier to set out your intentions and expectations from the start but if things develop from a random meeting it can be difficult to know when to say these things.

No need to feel guilty or bad or foolish, OP. You fancied him, he was rough and you weren't into that, you walked away.

You're fine OP.

He wasn't who you hoped he would be and you've decided that you don't want to continue to see him.

That's fine. No need to be embarrassed.

Oh, Jesus Christ it’s not victim blaming.

She says he lead her on. They only met twice before she went home with him. How much time did he have to lead her on into thinking it was going to be a relationship?

There is nothing wrong with going home with someone early days, but you need to accept the risk that they are only after a one night stand. OP says he lead her on - I don’t think he did. I was not responding to the rough sex he tried to have but to the OP claiming he lead her on. Two dates and going home with him in the afternoon isn’t exactly a guy who has lead her into thinking this was going to be serious.

The sort of sex he tried to have is a totally separate issue, and you can see what I said about that. They are separate things.

How horrible for you. OP.

(Also, I bet it's Park Run. So many odd men targeted me there).

You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. He did this; hold your head high, go back, and give him a wide berth. Not all men are like this or would behave like a rabid dog.

He was rough with me and my body as we were fumbling, then I realised, then I left.

He was an arse, you realised, you left.

Sounds like you were how we all wish we could be in a similar situation. Nothing to be embarrassed about. He does, you don't.

Thank you all very, very much. I have needed to read these comments.
Yes; he knew I was pulling away, he saw it as a joke.
I am hopeful in reading these comments that this is not the new way in which people begin dating, like a try before you buy... A complete asshole and I must learn quicker. It's so difficult. I haven't fancied anyone for ages, and where I live there are not many around.
Thank you again, for your replies and support. MN love to you.

I did online dating for ages and it’s a very mixed bag. I always have the chat before, to find out what they’re looking for but be aware that some men will say whatever they think you want to hear so that isn’t always an indicator.

Go on dates fairly quickly - don’t spend weeks talking to someone and getting invested. The dates are where you find out. Some will be lovely and then immediately want to take you home - you can be pretty sure what they’re interested in. If you fancy them then go have fun, but don’t be heartbroken if that’s all it is. Really best to try and find someone who is open to a few dates before it goes there.

Although, the guy I’ve been with for years now was someone I had an amazing first date with, and we were both looking for serious and I did go back to his that first night (I instigated it, quite enthusiastically 😳😆). But, he was already arranging the next date when we woke up, and we just kept going. He would have been the only one that I’d have been shocked at if it really was a one night stand. You can usually get pretty good at figuring them out, and I didn’t go home with anyone really because I didn’t want that. Until this one! And it all works out.

But you’ll only really be able to figure that out when you’re with someone and you get a feel for how they’re behaving. I knew he wasn’t after a one night. Others though, I absolutely did.

Agreed. OP is reaching out for help. Jeez- some people.

This is worrying. Hope he didn't leave bruises and you are okay.

Sorry to hear what happened, he sounds horrible. I think it's really hard to meet someone nowadays.

After I got divorced I met a guy (not on a date, just by chance) where there was so much chemistry. I felt so seen and understood in a way I hadn't for years in my marriage! He was saying all the right things, saying we had a future together, we were soulmates etc. We got on so well and could talk for hours. I didn't actually get physical with him as I was still trying to get over my divorce, sort out logistics etc and thought we were just taking things slowly. Then he suddenly told me that he'd got into a relationship with someone else who he was more attracted to! I was heartbroken as my feelings for him had been genuine.

I think that's what can hurt, as you feel that sometimes they are just using you to just get attention/ have sex, whereas you might actually genuinely like them.

That was a year and a half ago and even though I'd like to meet someone, I haven't been on any dates since then as I just feel too cautious. I feel like if someone starts to flirt or if there's chemistry, I think I'll be questioning if it's real or not.

And another one. There wasn’t one part of my post that victim blamed. Not at all. Learn some reading comprehension.

He's the one that should feel ashamed.
I'm sorry this happened to you.

Thanks @Silverstick ; we are not alone. XXX

What pps say. Be kind to yourself.

I'm quite an experienced/confident dater and there are still a lot of "oh fuck" cringe moments when trying to meet someone. Or e-mails and messages I wish I hadn't sent 🤣🙃

No-one has perfect judgement all of the time on everything, life is a learning experience.

Sometimes you take a risk and it pays off, sometimes you do all the "right" things and it doesn't work out.

You did completely the right thing, you went on 2 meets, saw a problem and you swiftly moved on, it's not like you let him move into your home! Block him everywhere and turn up to the group as normal. If there's a shortage of men try and build new networks, try groups in the nearest big city.

I agree he sounds like a bit of an experienced predator, so you know what to watch out for in future. There are many good men who aren't like this.

Mumsnet can be helpful for getting tips. You will probably have more "cringe" moments as you try to meet someone. Many people date and have disappointing or weird experiences, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Boggles my mind why a guy would start rough. What happened to taking it slow. Too many guys think every woman wants a Mr Grey thing.

Hope you’re ok.

Check out Burned Haystack. It'll help you sift out the scary ones and the losers, so you don't waste time with the dregs out there.