Sick of never being 'good enough'...

[FuckThisShitAndThatShitToo]

I want to preface this by saying I think I'm alright. I'm good enough for me generally and I know that's really what counts. But, unfortunately, I don't live in isolation.

And I am absolutely sick and completely worn down by being asked...

"Why can't you be more like/look more like/behave more like [insert person of other person's preference]"

Or being told, "If you tried, you could be more like/as good as..."

Or, "If X can do Y and shes the same age as you, why can't you..?"

Since I was a child I've either been too much this or not enough that for someone or other.

And I'm just sick of it.

If I'm 'not enough' of something or 'too much' of something else for you, fuck off and leave me alone. Stop 'helpfully' suggesting ways in which I could be better or people I should try to be more like. I've been me for my whole life. I'm unlikely to become someone else now.

Unfortunately, whilst I try to ignore it and just carry on, I've spent 40+ years ignoring this shit but it's started to have an impact on my self confidence now and I just feel really self conscious all the time.

Who's saying this to you?

And I'm assuming this person/ these people are absolutely 💯 perfect in every way? Apart from being judgemental/rude and insensitive. Who do they think they are?

You need to cut this person out of your life, this person obviously doesn't like you.

Who says this to you and in what context, how does it occcur, as this is quite unusual

Is it a parent who's saying this?

I was wondering if this is one of your parents saying this too.

Yes, it started off with my mum.

Constantly compared to every child we knew, my friends, my brother... none of my actual achievements mattered. The only thing that mattered was that I wasnt pretty. Example, there was a girl in my year at school throughout primary and secondary school was was a pretty girl. By the time we reached secondary age and my mum was still asking why I couldn't be more like her, I did point out that she got drunk in the park and had underage sex and was told but she's so pretty. As if that erased all negatives.

Boyfriends when I was younger. Boyfriends when I was older. I'm now 51 and even my partner now has manged to do it.

Im not going to pretend its been every day or constant but once its said, it can't be unsaid. My mum probably was every day to be fair from being primary school aged.

I used to play in bands as a hobby and gigged most weekends. And a couple of years ago, my partner suggested I should dress like Candy Del Mar at my next gig. The list of men who have told me that female bass players are really sexy but not me, no, I'm falling short of the mark somewhere and need to up my game and should...

But my partner's comment was just the final straw. We've been together a few years, he knows what my mum was like, he knows I've had this before.

I mean, yeah, why wouldnt I want to wear little more than underwear on stage in my late 40s?

It wasn't the first time I'd heard similar.

I've tried to ognore it all and been mostly successful but its really knocked my confidence now to the point where I can't dress up nicely and spend most of my life in leggings and t shirts. I rarely go out socially and don't often leave the house at all other than to go to work.

I know it sounds pathetic. I really do. But I just don't want to leave myself open to it anymore.

I’m not surprised you feel worn down. It sounds like coercive control.

But its not just those examples.

Too loud, too opinionated, too clever, too well educated.

Not slim enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not compliant enough.

I'm sure there are more.

I don't even want advice really. Yeah, they're arsehole and I shouldn't listen to it.

No, they're not perfect either.

Yes, some of it comes from insecurity/inadequacy on their part (it's not everyone or even a majority really, but those closest to me and a few strangers).

Im jistnsick of hearing it and sick of having other people's opinions of me dominate how I see myself.

Lots of us had/have shit mothers, though. Just acknowledge you're a disappointment to her, but that this is her problem, not yours. If you still see her, stop her every time she starts telling you you should be more like someone else.

My mother wanted a daughter who left school at 15, married young, became a SAHM to a large family and was always popping in and out with them and available for going to Bingo and Weightwatchers. What she got was a highly academic child who got a number of degrees from prestigious institutions from her sink estate school, and had a successful professional career, who spent long periods living overseas, and had one child when she was 40. I was and remain a terribly disappointment to her. But that's her issue, not mine.

I don't think it's even that. I think its just that some expectations and assumptions of What Women Are that its seen as normal to comment on appearance as it it's to remind someone when bin day is.

My mum's comments were from shame that I wasnt pretty and she was embarrassed by me. And a fear that, based on that, I'd never get married and only life half a life.

Some boyfriends/exes have undoubtedly just been arseholes.

My ex husband genuinely believed he was just helping me to get 'womaning' right (and apologised after we separated after therapy set him straight on that one).

And some genuinely don't get it because "its just what people say/just what women do and they "didn't mean anything by it."

My DF is and always has been like this. Every single achievement of mine is ignored dismissed or belittled while my wicked sister is showered with praise just for doing every day things.
if I get promoted I’m told it’s down to luck, being the best of a bad bunch or even because I must have promised something to the hiring manager.
my sister was on benefits for 15 years and suddenly decided to train as a nurse, now she’s being lauded as the educated and more successful sister.

never mind that I worked my way up from 19 years old starting as a temp in a contact centre and I’m now a department lead. That’s just my little office job according to my DF.

we’re now no contact after he told me I must stop competing with my sibling as she is probably going to be a doctor. In reality she completes a degree, starts a placement, decides she doesn’t like it and starts another degree. All funded by grants and student loans.

I have to pay for my qualifications.

I know.

And if it had stopped with her, it probably wouldn't have been an issue. But after spending years telling myself it was just her and her problem and not my issue, I'm the one still hearing the same things she said to me from the mouths of others.

You need a killer response.
“If I valued your opinion I’d be offended”.
💪

God, I'm going to have to remember that one.

I haven't actualy seen my mother for years now but her view of me lives on through the eyes of others.

I think thats what I find hardest.

Only your opinion matters. Discount your mother’s and that of others.
If you think you’re about to receive a negative value judgement, stop it on its tracks with the killer response.
Believe in yourself. If you’re good enough for you, that’s more than good enough. x

Ah, the 'if-only' comparison - And even if you push back, it's 'merely an observation didn't mean anything by it' - Even potentially 'Oooh very touchy about the subject so obviously strikes a chord'

I have that mother - I like the previous poster. I am a very different person from what my mother wanted, and as such, I am an unfaltering disappointment to her.

I also am not pretty or slim or graceful; I am not meek; I'm not demure, and she finds me sharp and very unfeminine. When we are in company, she will always try to get other people onside about how 'I could do so much better with myself if I just XYZ' -Annoyingly, other people seem to take this as an invitation to furnish me with their opinions as well, be it friends, family, or acquaintances (and yes, on occasion ex-boyfriends)

I'm not going to lie - it took me a long time to realise that I don't have to accept their opinion and I didn't need to be graceful about it. I've hurt a few feelings recently by responding with a harsh 'did I fucking ask you?' and if they double down, a shitty 'An uninvited opinion is always criticism' - no thank you.

I've come to the very strong conclusion that once this type of conversation starts, one of us is going to leave upset and angry............So* *a few years ago, I made the decision that it wasn't going to be me leaving upset or angry anymore; it was going to be them.

So I gave myself permission to be an absolute bitch about it, and it worked like a charm. Now, I'm not going to lie, it's not my natural state to be deliberately abrasive. It did take me a couple of practices to get the tone and snap right, and I also had to field people coming back to say I was being rude. I was like, 'No, I don't accept I was rude - I just finished what they started.' 'So, don't start it - problem solved'

What absolute horrors the two mothers cited sound. Mothers should build us up, not live on in our memories for their destructive effects and enlist others in their campaign of nastiness.
Well done for your self-esteem and firm boundary @Unboundcuriosity. Too often these bullies try to turn the tables, make their victims look bad, and get away with their appalling behaviour.

I’m so sorry youve been made to feel like that OP, it sounds like a long and incessant noise which has settled deep.

As to the ‘didn’t mean anything by it’ shit, I’d have to reply ‘well what was the point of saying anything when saying fuck-all was an option right there?’

Always protect yourself, not the feelings of rude people. Always.

I realised this when we were trying for DC2. I had some really inappropriate comments dressed up as concern for DS1 being an only DC. After a few occasions I learned to be very direct about recent mcs. I think I taught a few people some much- needed lessons on how to speak to people.

Practise a few very direct phrases and deliver them clearly. It works well if you finish with a smile rather than appearing angry.

Oh, yes, the concluding smile (which I’ve found confuses and denies the opportunity for accusations)! Thanks for the reminder.

Sounds like you’re hitting peri-menopause and have just had that lightbulb moment we get after years of putting up with stuff like this.

Plus - are you still gigging? Positive side of being 50 plus is you care less about how people see you and more about what you (genuinely) want to do.

Blooming heck. That awful. I suppose years of listening to this is very unpleasant. These people are not your champions. Can u challenge them? E.g, did you mean to be so rude or i don't remember asking ur opinion

Other than your mother is it out the blue comments? Or are you engaging on a conversation about maybe being unhappy about something?