Sick of never being 'good enough'...

[FuckThisShitAndThatShitToo]

I want to preface this by saying I think I'm alright. I'm good enough for me generally and I know that's really what counts. But, unfortunately, I don't live in isolation.

And I am absolutely sick and completely worn down by being asked...

"Why can't you be more like/look more like/behave more like [insert person of other person's preference]"

Or being told, "If you tried, you could be more like/as good as..."

Or, "If X can do Y and shes the same age as you, why can't you..?"

Since I was a child I've either been too much this or not enough that for someone or other.

And I'm just sick of it.

If I'm 'not enough' of something or 'too much' of something else for you, fuck off and leave me alone. Stop 'helpfully' suggesting ways in which I could be better or people I should try to be more like. I've been me for my whole life. I'm unlikely to become someone else now.

Unfortunately, whilst I try to ignore it and just carry on, I've spent 40+ years ignoring this shit but it's started to have an impact on my self confidence now and I just feel really self conscious all the time.

I swear down to this day that my mum chose my dad (good looking, Cambridge Uni educated engineer) to selectively breed my brother and I to have his intelligence and her ambition. They are still together 40 years on, but she’s never liked him very much. She just wanted two doctor children, for the glory of having two doctor children. We did get my dad’s smarts. We also got his total lack of ambition to do anything medical with it. I work in a job that makes me very happy and that benefits young people. No regrets. It took a really long time to stop feeling like a failure. My first significant relationship was with a man who… made me feel like a constant failure. There is comfort in the familiar, even when the familiar is uncomfortable. Can’t help who your mum is, but I’m reading a brilliant book of essays called ‘men explain things to me’ by Rebecca Solnit. The problem isn’t you, it’s other people’s inadequacy.

Is it possible that the early experience with your mother is colouring how you hear things coming from other people? For example, people often say “hey, you should x/y/z” without meaning it as a comparison or even a serious comment. My DP is a gardener and I might say, while watching Gardener’s World, “you should get one of those Monty Don jacket things, then you’d look like a real gardener!”. It’s not meant as a criticism or even to take seriously, it’s actually quite a funny thought, and he could respond “you know what, I love that jacket” or “not sure it’s my style”. But that’s because he’s not had years of feeling everything is a dig at him.

AtomicBlondeRose

Thats what my partner has said but I feel like I'm gaslightign myself if I try to hear that interpretation.

I just hear "You're not good enough and you'd be better if you did X instead."

Enduring severe criticism from a parent shapes your whole life and relationships - often leading to having relationships with people who are similar to the critical parent, simply because it's familiar. This is all subconscious.
As I get older, I realise my exH was incredibly similar to my Dad - who I adored but gave me serious abandonment issues. ExH was similarly avoidant, gave me years of feeling slightly insecure, and then - guess what - abandoned me.
Your childhood, the constant comparisons, the criticism, must have been incredibly damaging to you. It may have made you more sensitive to comments that others would shake off easily - but just take some time to analyse if your current partner is of the same ilk as your mother, and don't fall for any gaslighting. He should be building you up, not being critical of you. Patterns repeat.
In the meantime, I think memorising some scathing comebacks and developing a no more fucks to give attitude could help.
You sound cool btw - gigging as a hobby is really great. Don't let anyone bring you down (I so wish I could take my own advice!!)

OP, I think that what @AtomicBlondeRose posted is spot on.

As a child and throughout your early years being told that you're not good enough, ridiculed and criticised constantly has a detrimental effect which is felt throughout one's life.

I know from my own experience that it just never leaves and colours judgement.

Give them a taste of their own medicine. Start comparing them unfavourably with someone else . See how they like it . I bet they don’t .

The reality is that you experienced a type of emotional abuse from your mother and that means that as an adult you are both more sensitive to similar types of behaviours and, unfortunately, more likely to fall into those patterns of behaviour.

I would recommend that you seek some counselling to work through this and to unpack where your feelings over one comment from your partner are justified and where they're not. For example, if this is the only time he's ever said anything like that, I'd argue you are being triggered and not that he's the problem. If however, it's a regular thing from him, then you've accidentally repeated the pattern of your childhood in your relationship and you may need to rethink the relationship entirely.

I had this all my life from my parents. My pretty sister had "given" them two grandsons whereas I was selfish enough to decide to be child free. So she was getting 2/3 of the estate. There was no huge falling out. I just gradually distanced myself from my parents and completed the process by moving to another city and never returning. Weeks went by in which I forgot I even had a family.

As ye sow so shall ye reap.

I’m glad you’ve used the word “hear” but let’s be honest you’re listening.
I’d advise you not to listen, not to think about what was said, to dismiss it as meaningless background noise.
If you’re sensitive, there’s a chink. Draw a line and resolve to be the new, confident you.
Show that you are firmer in your self-belief than they perceive. Dismiss any comments instantly.
Think of your strengths. As long as you’re happy, who cares what others witter on about? Their comments reflect their own inadequacies. If their lives were fulfilled and busy they wouldn’t have time to focus on you, would they?
Do not doubt yourself or be constrained by others.

I couldn't do that because I know how it feels.

I've done all of that.

Part of the problem it that I believe they are correct in somethings. Some of the stuff my mum said, I can rationalise was nonsense but some of it was objectively true. Its those things that other people comment on too.

So my mum criticised my cooking - apparently you can buy better in Aldi. But other people like my cooking and I know I'm a good cook so I know she was just being horrible.

But comments about my appearance and my face and my body have stuck most because I can see it for myself. And those are the things other people.have criticised/tried to improve too.

My character/personality have never really been criticised by amyone else so i assume that was just her.

I haven’t had time to read the whole thread, but I felt this hroughout my life. Until, I had a fuck full and booted everyone negative out of my life, a proper cull. I now only surround myself with people that ‘like me for me’ , it’s changed my life. It’s not you OP, they are putting their own failings onto you to make you feel bad instead of them, for example; Those who told you that you are too loud, probably wished they had the courage to speak up.

My DM also put me down. I have very little self esteem and am an oldie. I did at one time tell her a little about my job, but she told me one of my cousins had a very important job, so I never said anymore about what I did to her. She died in ignorance and I am pleased.

But they didn’t care about how they made YOU feel ! Start standing up for yourself .