MIL favouritism

[Southernsunflower]

How do you deal with it, Mil has SIL children all the time, sleepovers most weekends, childcare over holidays most days, takes them on days out I could go on and on. We are independent and barely ask because I dont feel like we can and to be fair she will have my son 6 hours a week on one day when which I am very grateful for but I just find it really difficult, my mother treats all her grandchildren equally and I can’t get my head around it

husband says leave them too it but as the children are getting older I think they will pick up on it and it makes me feel sad. I appreciate mothers have bonds with daughters but I have boys and girls and I just can’t imagine treating them different.

So she has your child one day a week? Your own mother is also available? Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Yes both do, my own mother is available yes and does a lot with both sets of grandchildren.

Get your own mother to take on more. Her mother is doing it for her, so you ask yours?

I think you are pretty lucky with having your mother amd MIL providing childcare.
If MIL doesn't want to do more than 1 day/6 hours you need to happy for that.

Talk with her. Maybe she feels your SIL was more welcoming/has included her more? Not saying it's true, but listen to what she says; does she feel your SIL invited her to things more pre-baby, welcomed her to spend time with the family/asks about her as a person more? Have you made it as crystal clear that you want a close relationship, or does she feel you only use her as a babysitter?

Ask her to be honest, and just say you're concerned as obviously you want the grandkids treated equally.

I don’t want her to do more. I want her to treat her grandchildren equally.

What is your husband do to maintain a close relationship with his mother? If he was proactive in his family relationships his children would benefit from it.

You husband problem, not a MIL problem.

very lucky and grateful for both providing childcare. I don’t want her to do more, I’m conscious as the children are getting older they will see their cousins getting asked to go on days out/sleepovers and managing that rather than the childcare once a week which I am extremely grateful for!

We had this.

it was a sil problem, not a mil problem.

sil expected to be treated as the favourite, have first refusal for child care, have her kids financially supported etc. she would effectively bully mil into dropping plans with us if she wanted something.

we backed off in the end as we felt it was unfair on mil, as well as if she was forced into a choice she’d choose sil. Not because of some perceived mother/daughter bond, but because she knew refusing sil would cause drama, but we wouldn’t.

Just ask if they can join?

Comparison is the thief of joy...
It's a shame but it's not really that big a deal. Personally I wouldn't speak with her about it.
But I would maybe try and make more of an effort to include her in your plans and see if your children are naturally more included subsequently.
There may be reasons that you're unaware of - or maybe the dynamics of spending time with these others just works better for her.
Maybe the kids will notice - maybe they will say something themselves. Doesn't mean she doesn't love your children.

You don’t want her to do more for you, but you want equal treatment, so that must mean you want her to do less for SIL’s kids. That’s going to be quite a hard sell.

it'll likely be as simple as your SIL asks more, so gets more help.

she probably feels like you have the help you need (from her, from your own mother etc) because you don't ask.

she'd probably love things to be more balanced, but
i) can't easily row back from support she gives your SIL
ii) feels a little uncomfortable asking for more time from you guys

there might be more to it than that, but the above is probably most likely

SIL DC will always be the favourites. IME.

How come?

I don’t want her to do more or less for anyone. Just treat everyone fairly.

So if you want it to be equal but you don’t want MIL to do more than the already generous six hours a week she does for you, do you mean you want MIL to do less for SIL?

You should tell her that and report back how that conversation went.

You reap what you sow! just leave her to it. Try to not let it bother you and the children.

People are incredibly obtuse sometimes.

I’m sure OP is very grateful for the 6h of childcare but is aware other grandchildren have days out, holidays and sleepovers with their grandparent her children don’t. I don’t think it’s monstrous to wish her children had the same time and therefore relationship their cousins do. Does DH agree OP? Have you or he ever asked about your kids joining in for a day out, for example?

My in-laws massively favour BIL's kids. So it's not even a girl boy thing. They have them several days a week after school, take them on days out, buy them little presents all the time. Whereas they wouldn't even have our one kid for a day when we were going to hospital to have another baby.

Honestly my advice is to accept it and not let it bother you. I've stopped trying. They've got the relationship they want with my kids and I can't change that.

Thank you, it’s so interesting some of the responses. I’m not demanding any more or for MIl to do any less It’s more about building a bond and quality time and so grateful for the childcare we do get! Just wondered if anyone had any experiences and get different perspectives. Some of the responses though wow!

Doesn't it bother your husband that his mum organises sleepovers and days out for his siblings' children but not for his children?

When he says 'leave it', is it because he is used to unfair treatment from his mum or is he scared to confront her about this?

Does your mil do 6h regular childcare for ail each week or is it more ad hoc?

maybe if she didn’t do the one regular day for you then she would invite them for sleepovers?

She has mine and SIL daughter the same day which again I am very grateful and concious of how tiring and harder work it can be. I have always said we can look at alternative arrangements if it does get too much.

he’s just used to and has a very laidback approach to life in general and as the saying goes will just say it is what it is. Also I have been with him twenty years and his sister has always been very co dependent where he is quite independent, moved out early and never asks for anything so maybe that’s why. I am more sensitive than him and but I am trying to work towards the outlook of it is what it is, just find it hard sometimes!