What would you think if you found out dp had been watching these videos?

[PotatoCrunch]

I recently had to use dp phone to look up a tutorial so went onto the YouTube app. The usual motorbike and diy videos popped up but when I went to the search bar there were previous search terms. One of them ( which I’m not going to share here) was a ASMR type video. I enjoy watching ASMR videos but dp has always laughed and said they are odd.
After I finished, I mentioned to Dp that I didn’t know he liked ASMR and could recommend him a few of my favorite channels. He looked oddly at me and then went a bit red. I said that I saw he’s searched for an ASMR video.
He said it must have been a mistake and left it at that.

When I searched up the channel after it wasn’t quite what I thought it was. The thumbnails were of a woman bent over and a very provocative style. A lot of them were also titled as role play with her being your girlfriend.

I haven’t mentioned to dp that I’ve seen her content as I don’t really know how to approach it. I feel angry that he’s watching this and lying about it. I think what is upset me also is that he’s watching videos where someone is pretending to be his girlfriend.

What should I say to him? It’s quite disrespectful in my opinion.

So it's a soft porn type thing?

I'd drop it tbh

So he likes looking at other women. So do most men.

So you wouldn’t find it disrespectful?

No its not acceptable, its disrespectful actually.

I mean how would he feel if you were watching videos of men "being your boyfriend" in fact sit next to him and watch one, see his reaction

I think the girlfriend one is less bizarre than the doctor ones or the other medical ones. I'd prefer the GF over those.

It's incredibly disrespectful to you OP. Basically it very much seems in his mind he is settling for you and he is imagining the type of gf he would REALLY have if he could.

For me, porn is cheating so I'd be asking him to move out till we could find a way forward.

Men like variety and looking at naked women . As long as it’s looking ,and it’s of grown adult consenting women then I wouldn’t worry about it . All men who have access to the internet look at porn and the ones who say they don’t are lying and hiding it .

Have you posted about this before or was that someone else who was unhappy their partner had been watching ASMR. I would just ask him outright, can you see how often he has watched them?

It's possible to accept that he hasn't really done anything wrong (I'm on the fence) and also feel upset about it.

You could talk to him about it but by starting with how it made you feel a bit weird when you saw it rather than angry that he's done something wrong. He's obviously embarrassed about it so you can expect him to be defensive.

There was a recent thread where the op was concerned about her partner watching ASMR videos. I used to be on the fence about that sort of stuff until I watched (or more correctly, listened to) some of the linked content; it was pretty revolting, to be frank, and obviously made to be overtly and quite crudely sexual for masturbatory purposes.
I'd be unhappy about it in your shoes, op, and it definitely warrants a non-accusatory conversation with your dp if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Does ASMR have two different meanings? My teenagers tap things rhythmically or find nice textures and call that ASMR. Is it a different thing in a porn context?

I remember that one - wasn’t it a woman whispering about lying down with her or something like that?

I have no idea what ASMR stands for and I'm too scared to Google. Can someone enlighten me please?

How's your sex life? Is he doing this to masturbate instead of sex?

I’m in the same boat, and I still have no idea what to do about it months later.

I found DH was watching similar videos entirely by accident. I was using his phone to grab a relatives phone number and a video notification popped which I clicked by mistake as I was copying the phone number. It went through and showed me the person he was following on SM. So then I did had a look about his account and it turned out he’s following 80+ similar creators.

It makes me feel really shit, because I am old and never going to look as young and glam as these girls again. This wasn’t even a thing when we got married 20 years ago so we’ve never had a conversation about any of this and it never occurred to me he’d be into any of the stuff he’s looking at.

But if I say something it makes me look like a controlling weirdo and he’ll feel guilty which I don’t want to do if that’s his thing and he enjoys.

I still feel really crap and inadequate though. So solidarity with you, and you aren’t alone in this.

All men who have access to the internet look at porn and the ones who say they don’t are lying and hiding it .
You forgot to add In your opinion. Absolute nonsense of a statement calculated to try and make women insecure in their relationships. ALL men do not watch porn.

And OP is entitled to feel as she feels about her partner fantasising that he has a different gf to her. If he loved and respected OP he wouldn't be looking elsewhere for his sexual gratification.

ASMR isn't dirty - the idea is that you listen to certain repetitive sounds and it helps you relax and fall asleep - things like rainfall, or people repeating certain words, tapping surfaces etc.

These girls wouldn’t look twice at your husband in real life . Your husband doesn’t look like he did twenty years ago either .

Nope wasn’t intended to make anyone insecure on their relationships, just stating my opinion based on men’s behaviour I’ve witnessed and heard over the years .

Of corse you are entitled to your opinion but your experience is not necessarily every one's experience.
Just because all the men you have known are porn users doesn't mean all men are porn users. It just means you have unfortunately not come across the many decent men who do actually exist.

Men don’t have to see women naked to wank over them . In fact it’s more exciting for them to imagine what’s underneath clothing . There are far more men that watch porn , only fans and look at girlie magazines than you think . If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be the huge lucrative market that caters to men’s desires. Most heterosexual men think about and have fantasies about screwing other women , usually ones they know . It’s also my belief that that most of them would do it if the opportunity arose and they could get away with it . I think you are either very young and naive or have led a very sheltered life . Haven’t you looked and admired other men ?

Exactly. It's all just fantasy.

Oh god I know that LOL!! He’d never keep up.

It’s weird though it’s like I’ve opened Pandora’s box to everything I’ve been oblivious to for ages. So suddenly I am hyper aware of women around us.

I saw the prettiest girl on the market last weekend, she was lovely and entirely minding her own business. But now I see him looking whereas before I never did, if fact I stopped talking to see if he’d notice I had and he didn’t at all. I really stupidly thought that I was enough and I’m obviously not. I just feel like a fucking idiot. I guess I have the ick and now I’m not sure what to do with that.