How to address thoughtful gifts that ignore what I have said

[IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth]

My partner is very kind but it tends to be on her terms and ignoring what I've said. I've currently got a foot issue (awaiting surgery) and I comment that I need to get some new shoes. As the foot issue means one shoe doesn't last as long as the other, I said I only want to buy something cheap just for the next few months. I also say I don't want to buy a specific make which I find aren't well made like they used to be.

Yesterday while she was out she went and bought me expensive shoes of the make I said I don't want. I also don't need her to buy shoes for me like I'm a child.

Today, she's just bought me an experience that I would normally like but has booked it for a date which I had said only on Saturday I wouldn't want because it's in the school holidays and be full of kids.

She means well and it's very generous but the fact she does it and completely ignores what I've said annoys me. It's happened several times before and no matter that I say (genuine example) "I'm trying to lose weight, please help by not buying me chocolate" shell literally buy me chocolate two days later.

How can I finally get through to her about this without her getting upset? It feels like she doesn't listen, or at least doesn't take in what I say.

Tell her the shoes aren't suitable and they need to be returned because you literally can't wear them.
Ask if the date for the other thing can be changed.

She's very intelligent and is a very kind person to everyone but it's driving me mad.

I've already done that with the shoes but the experience can't be changed. She's just not getting it.

She doesn't respect you as she is showing you loud and clear her decisions are better than yours..

My husband does similar. I literally tell him what I like and he buys something completely different. I can’t work out if he doesn’t listen or doesn’t remember what I said or thinks he knows best

These gifts are not thoughtful.

It may not be possible to get through to her without her being upset, but that's her problem not yours. She's upsetting you by not listening.

Refuse to go.
She will lose the money.
Too bad....she should have listened.

1. Pretend the shoes pinch. Ask for the receipt, and take over. Change them for 2 cheaoer pairs. 2 Pretend you can't do that day because [Your brother rang up and invited you both/ the car will be in for its MOT/you promised Jim you'd walk the dog that day], ask for contact details and change to a date of your choice. Or tell her the truth: you live her to bits, but she doesn't listen. You said you didn't want those shoes, and that you didn't want to go that day.

Have you asked her why?

As in - I really appreciate the gesture, but why have you booked it for a date that I said I didn't want to do?

I'd actually forgotten I'd posted about something similar several months ago. I clearly am going to have to be extremely blunt. Sigh.

Just don’t do what you did last time and say to her that it just be all down to her menopausal brain fog @IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth

I didn't. She was the one who said to me that was all down to her menopausal brain fog.

My mum was like this. In her desperate rush to be the giver of all good things she would only ever listen to keywords - so in your examples she’d have heard the brand of shoe, and the activity, and ‘school holidays’ and none of the rest of the context. And then she’d be crestfallen every time she got the wrong thing.

It’s annoying.

Was going to say the same thing.

Stop telling her what you don’t want and start focusing on what you DO want. Maybe you’re planting these ideas in her mind and she can’t remember if you mentioned said brand etc in a positive or negative way. I have a terrible memory (perimeno!) and it’s the sort of thing I’d do, like I remember DP saying something about shoes, and mentioning Sketchers, I think they’re supposed to be really comfy, I’ll get those

My DH is like this and after a lot of ups and downs I've got to the point where I realise his gifts are not the literal object. It would be wonderful to be given something genuinely useful and exactly what I wanted but that only happens when I buy it myself. A gift is a caring thought from someone to you, symbolised as a token item. For the past few weeks my DH has been hand-crafting me an item for my birthday. I asked for a specific garden tool after mine broke after years of use. I wanted one of several brands I trust and I sent him the link. He decided to hand craft one. He is not a skilled craftsman. The tool will not even be suitable for using outside. But he's putting so much love and care into it, that's my gift, I can't get that in a shop. Luckily I can pick up what I actually needed off the shelf any time.

But this makes general conversation tricky if you don’t actually want anything, but the other person is constantly scanning for ways to anticipate your every need and delight you with little surprises!

Why would I tell her what I do want when I don't want her to get me anything?

As for the shoes, I'd said on Saturday that I needed to get some new shoes due to forthcoming surgery. She said "What about Skechers?" and I said "No, the last two pairs didn't last long, I think the quality has gone down. And with the surgery I just want something cheap to tide me over." The very next day she appears with an expensive pair of Skechers saying "I know you said you didn't want Skechers but..."!

I said that I didn't want them and I got "Try them anyway, you might like them" so I did, said I didn't like them, a bit tight, that she needs to take them back AND not to buy me replacements. If I want shoes, I will get them.

I can't win!

You are a more patient person than I am.

When my DH does this sort of thing it’s because he can’t stand ‘being told what do to’ (which is what he feels like when someone requests a particular item as a gift) and because making stuff is a fun project for him - not because he is looking for an outlet for his love and care.

You sound like a bit of a grump. I would love to hear her side of things!

Ask her to take photos when she sees things she thinks you might like rather than buying them.

She's not doing it for you , she is doing it to keep something in her happy so how you feel is a bit irrelevant to her as she get's pleasure from it - she probably needs to get to the root cause of that to be able to stop.