Can a difficult future mother in law relationship still improve?

[OneGoldLemur]

Please help me. I genuinely want to know if this can be fixed, I'd love advice perhaps you've been the MIL or the DIL and things got better how?

I've been dating my partner for 1 year and 3 months

During this time, his mum has asked me one question, and that was what I did for a living. Excluding this, she has never attempted to start a conversation with me

The first 3 months I tried incredibly hard, I bought a crochet kit and I thought we could bond over it as she loves crotchet, unfortunately when I tried to ask her questions and get involved she began responding to my BF and ignoring me

I tried a few times, and I found it very rejecting, and I stopped.

I tried once more with gardening, but again, I got the same response.

After this, I was pretty upset. I felt she didn't like me and was potentially jealous. I was with her son [he is an only child], so I gave up. I would instead visit and simply watch TV. She made 0 effort with me, so I did the same.

It's been 1 year, and it's bothering me, we are geting married next summer and we want kids in 2 years time - and right now she would have very limited access to her grand child if her behaviour continued - I'm certainly not the type of person that would simply accept a poor relationship with her and then throw my kids at her, that's never going to happen and BF has agreed with it

I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with this women, if she has social anxiety, perhaps autism [long stretch] or if she's just a bitch.

I find it difficult as I'm 34, I was married for 9 years and my ex MIL was a reasonable women, we got along, she was welcoming from the first moment I met her, my mum and step mum have always been welcoming to my partner

My BF solution is to reduced contact with his mother [he already went weekly to fortnight and now wants to do once a month] as he's embarrassed which I don't think is the right thing to do yet - I'd certainly drop contact to once a month in 12 months time to prepare to have kids and get her use to the fact she won't have access to them bar that once a month - but I'm hoping it won't come to this

She does sometimes avoid eye contact with me. Sometimes, I feel she completely ignores my existence in the room, she doesn't do this with anyone else so I feel she's playing a game or she's nervous

How do we deal with this? My BF already spoke to her about it and she was nice to me for one day [personality transplant] and the following visit she went back to normal

It would be great if she were welcoming and wanting to integrate you into the family, but it appears that for whatever reason, she isnt and wont. My advice is to stop longing for this, and to focus on building a great marriage with your partner and not allowing her coolness to affect you. Dont give people power they havent earned or deserve.

I would stop trying. The best she could ever hope from me would be basic civility.
She's a very foolish woman. She can only be the loser here.

I agree with PP, you tried and if she's not capable of civility, then stuff her. Incidentally, you may find she suddenly 'likes' you when you're carrying her grandchild. Don't trust her.

This makes me sad, it would make me a lot happier if it didn't have to be like this. I never imagined to have a poor relationship with my MIL, I guess my exMIL has perhaps skewed my views of what it should be like!

Thank you for the advice

Have you actually had a conversation with her about this? Tried to address the issue directly.

If you are going to marry this man, you will be tied to her for the rest of her life. You are likely going to be involved in caring for her or at least supporting her in her elderly years.

And of course you will have a strong influence over her relationship with her only grandchildren.

It’s to everyone’s advantage (particularly hers) to get along - it’s worth trying to get to the bottom of the problem.

I would follow your bfs lead on this re he reducing contact t with his mother, after all he has known his mother a lot longer than you have. If you have children by him you will need to keep them away from her too; none of this once a month access. Also if you sent the kids over with him that is also what she wants is you out if the way. She likely thinks you’re not good enough for her son, only she is. If she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with it’s the same deal for the kids as well. They need healthy role models in their lives and she does not fit the bill.

Where’s your man’s dad here: is he still around?. People like the woman you describe cannot do relationships at all and it would not surprise me if she had no friends.

It’s not your fault she is like this ie rude and manipulative with it and you did not make her that way. What if anything do you know about her family background, that often gives clues. Do read Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.

Op is under no obligation whatsoever to care for his mother. That woman has only ever asked the Op herself one question ie what does she do for a living!.

Your man is key here op. What he does or does not do here is important. You and he need to present a united front and have both firm and consistently applied boundaries.

Is he a man or a mouse when it comes to his mother?. Can he stand up for both himself and you in her presence? What do you know about his childhood?.

I agree with Lobelia. Stop caring. She sounds envious of your relationship with her DS, which is ridiculous. Or maybe she liked his previous GF a lot? Whatever. Just be polite etc as you would to anyone, but do your own thing and don't let it get to you.

I was in this position. MIL really didn't like me, was envious of her DS putting me first, and she criticised me/my choices all the time. (She asked to taste my wine in a restaurant and said it was too sweet, etc.) DH thought this was funny and told me to ignore her. My DD eventually told her off for being horrible to me! Funnily enough I did take her side against FIL a few times when he was out of order, and she was grateful.

Anyway, I saw her as little as possible ( twice a year) and this behaviour continued, until i went to stay with my SIL abroad and MIL was there. I bought some presents at duty free including some very nice skincare for MIL. After I handed it over, she couldn't be horrible to me, we had a nice holiday, and she's been fine ever since. She is lonely now and I listen to her having a whinge over the phone every now and then.

So yes, it's repairable! But only when she's ready.

I would ask her about it, personally

Maybe she is standoffish but you sound a bit full on. You’ve only been with your partner just over a year - I think I’d met my partner’s mum maybe once or twice in the first year we were dating. In any case I’m dating him, not his mum. It never occurred to me to give or expect anything more than basic pleasantries.

I did laugh out loud at the PP comment that I'd be responsible to look after her in her old age 😂

Have you tried inviting her out for a coffee or a lunch one to one? She sounds socially awkward, has she met her sons other girlfriends? Is your DPs father around? She may be very anxious about losing her son to another woman.

Why have you even got to have contact with her, why can’t your partner go to her house alone.

Thanks this gives me hope! I'm wondering now if I should invite her on holiday then 🤣, I'm being serious. She did seem very jealous when we went to Paris earlier this year, and we are discussing going Cyprus in October he face dropped, that women cannot hide it!

Well she asked to meet me at 3 months, she was obssessed and hounded my BF. After this SHE wanted me over weekly on a Sunday, and when I wouldn't go over she would query it with my partner. She still to this day would like us around every Sunday. So no, I'm not too much, she is and it's fucking bizarre because I get there and it's like what is the point of all this. At least with my EXMIL she made the visits worth it.

Absolutely stop trying.

Be polite and detached and distant.

She’s rude. Not worthy of your time.

And you’re right. She had better belt up or she won’t see much of your kids. Why should she if she is objectionable to you? No way.

You’d be completely mad to invite her on holiday!. His mother is rude and indeed is not someone you should be spending any amount of time with. This is not repairable because she hates you that much for taking her precious boy away from her. She won’t be seeing any of her grandkids either the way she’s going.

Just stop trying. You can limit how much time you spend with her. I expect you are not good enough for her only son and she will likely not warm to you. Accept it and be glad she's not the complete opposite.

Woman, singular, like "man".

Women, plural, like "men".

Is she on her own ? Does she go and do things with friends , her DH or DP?

How is she about your wedding next year - interested or being a pain ?

Your bf knows her. He wants to decrease contact. Be a team with him.

She can't even be civil to you. Don't fool yourself she will ever come around. She hates you because she's afraid her son will marry you. She wants him all to herself and that's not normal.

What's wrong with her is not fixable. Don't waste your time trying.

How was she with DP’s previous partners?

She doesn't sound very nice, probably jealous and resentful, and as you have tried hard to be friendly, and she has constantly rejected you, there is nothing more you can do. Luckily your partner agrees with you; it would be horrible if he backed her against you.

I too had a difficult MIL, she would call me by my husbands first wife name all the time, usually quietly when no one else could hear her. She was never interested in our child, always changed the subject to praise one of her other grandkids if his name came up in conversation....it got so we seldom visited, and that suited us fine.

Good luck.

And?