Can a difficult future mother in law relationship still improve?

[OneGoldLemur]

Please help me. I genuinely want to know if this can be fixed, I'd love advice perhaps you've been the MIL or the DIL and things got better how?

I've been dating my partner for 1 year and 3 months

During this time, his mum has asked me one question, and that was what I did for a living. Excluding this, she has never attempted to start a conversation with me

The first 3 months I tried incredibly hard, I bought a crochet kit and I thought we could bond over it as she loves crotchet, unfortunately when I tried to ask her questions and get involved she began responding to my BF and ignoring me

I tried a few times, and I found it very rejecting, and I stopped.

I tried once more with gardening, but again, I got the same response.

After this, I was pretty upset. I felt she didn't like me and was potentially jealous. I was with her son [he is an only child], so I gave up. I would instead visit and simply watch TV. She made 0 effort with me, so I did the same.

It's been 1 year, and it's bothering me, we are geting married next summer and we want kids in 2 years time - and right now she would have very limited access to her grand child if her behaviour continued - I'm certainly not the type of person that would simply accept a poor relationship with her and then throw my kids at her, that's never going to happen and BF has agreed with it

I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with this women, if she has social anxiety, perhaps autism [long stretch] or if she's just a bitch.

I find it difficult as I'm 34, I was married for 9 years and my ex MIL was a reasonable women, we got along, she was welcoming from the first moment I met her, my mum and step mum have always been welcoming to my partner

My BF solution is to reduced contact with his mother [he already went weekly to fortnight and now wants to do once a month] as he's embarrassed which I don't think is the right thing to do yet - I'd certainly drop contact to once a month in 12 months time to prepare to have kids and get her use to the fact she won't have access to them bar that once a month - but I'm hoping it won't come to this

She does sometimes avoid eye contact with me. Sometimes, I feel she completely ignores my existence in the room, she doesn't do this with anyone else so I feel she's playing a game or she's nervous

How do we deal with this? My BF already spoke to her about it and she was nice to me for one day [personality transplant] and the following visit she went back to normal

“Can a difficult future mother in law relationship still improve?”

The true answer is, absolutely, there will come a time when she is no longer here.

In the meantime you can try and win her over but if you’re getting nowhere just sack it off and ignore her.

The relationship can improve by seeing less of her, not wishing her dead.🙄

Oh absolutely. I'm 24 years in and we clashed a lot to begin with.

Gradually things improved and I'm as fond of her as my own mum now.

DH and I dated then lived together for around 5 years before getting married and he pointed out later on she started to treat me as a permanent member of the family at that point. And she is opinionated 😂.

She is a lovely grandmother too.

I didn’t say you would be responsible for looking after her or obligated to look after her.

But the reality is that if you marry an only child you’ll be involved with their family, even if you don’t get on.

Oh fair enough then she sounds like a weirdo. My advice is the same though, stop engaging! Leave her to your partner to deal with.

Stop trying. It won't get any better. Take it from someone who knows.

I no longer see or speak to my MIL.

DH is free to do as he pleases but I don't allow a DS to go to her house because she's a nasty piece of work who when not getting her own way is mean. I simply don't trust her around DS.

She's indifferent about the wedding when I discuss it, but she seems happy, she sometimes sends her friends update on it, she's the only one in her friends grp that didn't have a married child/grandchild so I think she is genuinely pleased he is finally tying the knot and she likes to show it off [which I actually appreciate as it's nice to see that]

As for friends she does have friends who she sees, her only sister passed away two years ago and it's one of the reasons why I haven't given up on her, I've only got my sister too, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, I can't help but feel sorry for her because of this and I wonder if that could be why she's so withdrawn is it that she's lost her sister and now feels she is losing her son?

I know she sees her in sister in law every month they are very close!

I've been with my husband for 21 years, I've never had a conversation with my mother-in-law. It's all good!!

You should follow DPs lead on this.

Ive got 2 of the buggers!! They take it in turns to be difficult! The biological mother was hell on toast until I had the precious grandchild. Second one is just a tricky personality and im not her usual type of person so probably piss her off no end. After 18 years we have found a way to muck along with the very occasional blow out. They are both fabulous grandmothers, which really helps! I found a dicks out conversation with the biological one helped along with reproducing. The second one, just a drop in contact until I can cope with her again and she me!

This. Literally zero obligation

OneGoldLemur thanks for update

perhaps you are trying a little too hard - you’ve not been going out that long and she has had recent loss . At least she is interested in the wedding .

I say all of this as someone who had a disappointing relationship with her own MIL (now deceased) , my own DM who I adored died just before I married and I married an only child.

I would be friendly polite and involve her in discussion about the wedding - maybe even see if she would like to go dress shopping with you. She doesn’t sound horrendous .

Hold in there - sometimes the most unexpected people surprise you (in a good way) when you least expect it

I think you have to play the long game with her - be polite and friendly but don't try too hard. I think the biggest mistake I made was expecting my PIL to be like my family (I was very young) and they were just not! My family are very open, we speak up and sometimes argue, we hash things out and then it's forgotten. DHs family don't really talk about anything personal, nobody speaks up if they're unhappy and resentments fester. They're not huggy or kissy like my family and don't say I love you or I've missed you, they're quite polite and restrained with each other. I found it very odd at first but I got used to it and over the years became quite fond of them. They're not bad people, they're just very different to me. Once you accept that, life becomes a lot easier!

You can tie yourself in knots trying to understand her and get her to engage with you normally, but it won't be possible. My advice would be to have zero expectations from her. Focus all your expectations onto your partner. Have all the conversations about how he and you feel about the situation, how you'd manage with children, what if x happened, what it y happened etc.

You need to be absolutely sure, before you marry him, that you will be able to live a healthy family life and that the weirdness of his mum won't get in the way. Because it's very likely she'll be behaving exactly the same 20 years down rhe road. You'll be so fed up with it by then. The only question is will it have ruined your marriage or will it just be noise in the background.

Specifically - he needs the space to be able to honour his mum and have a relationship with her if that is what he wants. There cannot be demands on you to participate in that if she won't treat you well, and he needs to agree and support you there. Her relationship with him can never impinge on your marriage and family life because he feels guilty saying no to her as the situation is entirely of her doing. So (for instance) him spending every Saturday with her alone would be unreasonable because that would hugely impact your family life. Him having dinner with her once a month would not

Her behaviour is actually irrelevant. When it comes to future happiness and a successful marriage it's all about how you manage her and her behaviour as a couple. If you make a good team then it becomes a small shared challenge. If you constantly clash, or he prioritisers her or looks the other way while she treats you badly etc etc then life will be miserable - but it's all about you as a couple, not really about her. Hence the phrase 'you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem".

A lot of men with mums like this have had a very difficult time being raised by them and have learned to just be obliging and never point out the bad behaviour. It creates a reslly dysfunctional relationship but gives them a quiet life where they juat do whatever mum wants and then move on with no fuss. It is totally incompatible with having a good marriage but the men caught up in it often can't understand why and won't change. Any hint of that and don't waste your time as you WILL end up feeling miserable and bottom of the list of priorities. Kids in the mix will also amplify everything.

I've never been a fan of longstanding expectations as in regularly scheduled meals at a parents home. I think invitations should be done more loosely. In your shoes, I'd cut myself out of going to her home with him every time and limit it to maybe 3 times per year. That way it's less stressful to suck it up far fewer times in a year and prepare by just entertaining yourself while in her home with a magazine or novel, etc.

I'm glad he has had your back with suggesting less contact and that he spoke to her. Perhaps he could do even more. If I were him I would say to his mother: It'd be nice if you liked my fiancee but even if you don't, I won't accept anything but you being pleasant and not ignoring her when we're all together. If that rule's not respected, we will begin cutting our visits short. And you might have the foresight to anticipate how your behavior will impact what happens when we welcome our children into the world.

Let clear actions show that he means business. With people like this, we have to teach them how to treat us. That involves consequences to their behavior.

My husband is an only child , his parents had him late in life and are very old fashioned.
I'm actually his 3rd wife , the first 2 marraiges only lasted a year and he had been single along time when we met. When i first met his parents they were friendly enough, but as time went on it was clear , they were only interested in their son. I'm pretty sure his parents interference and the fact that hubbie will always side with them , could of been one of the reasons the other marraiges failed. I'm just glad we didn't have chidren together, i already had my 2 girls . Fil is dead now , and mil is 90, i haven't bothered with them for years, hubbie has been visited them alone for years .

My MIL is exactly how you describe. 18 years on I don’t know her any better than the first time I met her. She gives the grandkids a tenner for their birthday but has never once babysat or kissed or hugged them.

She isn’t autistic, she was just a miserable old rude bitch. My DH would agree and funnily enough he is also an only child.

Don’t get me wrong i’m not wishing anyone dead, merely stating that one day she won’t be here, so the answer to the question “Can a difficult future mother in law relationship still improve?” is absolutely yes, is factually correct 😆

Invite her away with you on a short weekend (not a week/ fortnight in Cyprus!).
make an effort and say you are looking forward to spending time with her and make sure you involve her etc. She might see you as a threat.
if that doesn’t improve things then just match her energy but don’t deprive her of seeing any children. You might be a MIL one day.

It may be that she’s struggling with her feelings about losing her only son to you.
Being a mil is a skill that has to be learned like other skills.
I know it makes sense for her to be nice to you , but perhaps she just may not be in a place to do this because she’s struggling with her feelings of loss, growing old etc..
I would try to avoid judging her and accept she’s finding it hard for whatever reason.
I think you’ve made a great effort with her by taking up crochet etcetera.
I’m sure she’ll improve with time.

You and your bf need to be on the same page (I take it he can tell you if she does have anxiety/illness/social difficulties etc, that's the first point, because if so, give her some grace); both talk to her together.
Ask frankly and clearly why she did X (ignored/spoke over you etc). Listen to the response and see if there's any possibility it's true. Be clear, and as a couple, agree what to accept.
You are doing very well to try to get this right now, because it's so important to try to have a good, and equal in terms of respect, relationship.

@Pistachiocake , I assume you’re not a MIL?

Don’t you think this is overly heavy handed?

Firstly, MIL’s behaviour is 90% likely to be due to anxiety etc. Granted, you do get the occasional truly unpleasant character, but it’s unusual and this isn’t mentioned in OP.

Secondly, two on one sounds like downright bullying. Would you like your PIL to subject you to this, in the circumstances that you had lost your partner and your MIL was upset by your consistently hurtful behaviour?

Thirdly, you picture MIL as pretty devious with the idea that they need to decide whether she’s lying/ telling the truth. Why would she be lying?

I think a problem here is OP’s partner being ‘embarrassed’ by his DM’s behaviour and going LC. Doesn’t he have any idea what’s causing the situation and how to resolve it in a positive way?